The Guardian's Path

Chapter 13 - Introspection

The moment Obi-Wan is gone, Anakin lets himself break, throwing up his shields as high as he can so no one will sense it, not even Ani. He's been holding this all in for so long that it's as if a dam as broken, emotions pouring out in a rush. He usually keeps himself together by any means necessary because he can't afford to take the time to let loose, not when it means that he'll have to take the time to drag together a semblance of control again.

But now... he buries his face in his hands as he sobs, the pain and uncertainty and guilt from the past Force-knows-how-long unwinding as it's given an outlet. He wants – he wants so many things, things which he shouldn't want since he's a Jedi, but things that he still... wants. He craves an acceptance and comfort that he only ever has gotten from his mother when he was a child... and Padme after that, but it's not the same. It's not the same. Padme is his wife. He's supposed to protect her, not the other way around, though he'll never deny her the chance to help him. She can help, but she can't heal him the way he so desperately needs to be.

He hates feeling this way, so miserable and unhappy all the time, but he buries it under the duties and obligations of the war. He has to protect his men. He has to protect Ahsoka. He has to do his utmost – even if it's not enough and never will be enough for the Jedi – to help the worlds that need it. And under the duties and obligations, Anakin has been able to hide the growing pain and discontent inside of him.

For so long, he thought that Obi-Wan's attitude was simply... because of who he was. He accepted that Obi-Wan would always say things that sometimes would rub him the wrong way, burrowing under his skin and ripping at him hard though he tries to hide and dispel the stinging hurt. It was common enough that it had ceased to bother him; he grew used to brushing it aside, reacting with equally needling remarks if his frustration and irritation boiled over, though he always hated himself for it afterwards.

But now, seeing that it is not the way it has to be... it hurts. It hurts, because he can't change the way things are, can't continue to suppress the inherent need within him, the craving to find comfort and protection in a galaxy that makes no sense to him more often than not. He's gotten so used to faking it, to pretending that he fits into this world that is so very different from everything he knew as a child, that he'd almost forgotten how difficult it is, at times. He doesn't always know how to react, how to treat people, how to behave in a way that most beings consider normal.

He grew up in a completely different environment than most people, and he sometimes can't help but feel lesser when compared to them, because he doesn't know. He doesn't know how to behave and act the way that freed people do. And he's learned how to fake it, but more often than not, he doesn't really... feel that way. (He wants to be held, comforted the way he was when he was a child, when his mother was there, the only constant – however temporary – in his life.)

Anakin calms down after a while, sniffing and wiping away his tears. Crying fixes nothing, he knows, but it's still a way for him to let go of emotions that are too overwhelming even if it leaves him feeling drained and exhausted afterwards. Standing, he reaches out to the kyber crystal's pained song, following it through the apartment to Obi-Wan's bedroom. The lightsaber is in a drawer by Obi-Wan's bed – he doesn't take the time to consider why it is there – and he picks it up without a second thought, cradling it in his hands.

It feels like Custos, emanating the same dark energy that the Sith's Force signature does. He lets himself remember, for a moment, the gentle, caring way the Sith treated him, the way he held him so protectively. It hurts, of course, to indulge in a memory of something now beyond his grasp, but it also helps. It grounds him, keeps him centered for a moment. He clips the lightsaber hilt to his belt, opposite his own, planning to give it to Ani when he returns. If nothing else, the child should have that much, at least, from his father.