snowdrop | 최범규

epilogue: first love.

you never forget your first love. the way they made your day as you'd watch them pass you by, the flutter of your heart when they noticed you looked at him. or the way you suddenly become tongue-tied trying to explain something because he was always on your mind.

but that was gone with him. he left me that day. i felt the snowflakes graze my arm, knowing he would be there. but when spring arrived, he was gone. i would search left and right for him but he was never there. he disappeared yet the love i've had for him all this time never did.

holding onto the tips of his fingertips, begging him to stay. it was a forbidden love, as if we weren't bound to be. i held onto him tight and watched the pieces of him wither into the air, disappearing. why did he disappear?

i wanted to stay with him-i wanted him to stay with me. i wanted to smile every time i saw him laugh, i wanted to cry for him when something awful happened, i wanted to feel his every emotion. but it wasn't bound to be, and that was neither of our faults.

i loved him, i still do. i don't know if i can ever move on. it's hard to move on when you know they're gone because there's this feeling of hope that still lingers. the part of your brain that tells the rational part to shut up.

i don't know when i'll be able to move on. i'm glad i have Taehyun as my best friend to support me through all of this. i saw him the other day at a restaurant with a date, and he came back to tell me how happy he is with her. he has a good feeling about this girl, and i'm glad. i'm surprised he moved on from his first love he was telling me about, i thought he never would.

i still haven't,

and i think i never will.

in order to stay sane, i told myself "it's funny". but this gut-feeling is far from humorous. longing for all that we could have been. maybe i should stop trying. maybe i should stop loving you.

                                     *:･✧*: :*

i love her and i don't know when i'll stop. she was the light of my life and every minute of every day, i wonder how she's doing.

i tried to use the payphone today. i remember writing your phone number on a piece of paper, so i called it. you answered and hearing your voice was the most refreshing moment of my life without you.

hearing you say you miss me was beautiful. hearing us tell each other to move on stung.

we knew this love would never work out but we still tried. we tried but our love was calamitous and catastrophic. we knew that if we loved each other it would only end up in pain, both of us as lovers with feelings for each other.

but, from the distance, a frown forms when i hear you tell him what you had once told me,

"i think you're beautiful"

i love you so much, Lavender. we were separated for three years with letters being mailed to each other and pay phone calls that were unsuccessful.

nothing hurt more than in one of the letters, i had to wish you a congratulations on your wedding. Taehyun told me that you moved on with a new boy. he seemed lovely, and i'm glad you're happy. i remember flying all the way to your town and seeing the two of you so head over heels in love.

you thanked me for being your first love because you were able to meet him through it. through the pain and sorrows i caused you, through the love and happiness i gave you, you found him. and he makes you the happiest.

i just wish it could've been me.

i only ever wanted for you to be happy.