Overlap

Chapter 7: If I Were a Perfect Pretty Girl

<09/09/2009 - 12:31 | Saffrin Middle School (Math), Austell, GA, USA>

No matter how aware I was of these rouge emotions coming out of nowhere, I wasn't able to suppress them to any restraint. My Wednesday morning passed on just like the day prior, as did the Monday before.

It was still the same story every time. I'd lost my awareness of everything around me the moment my eyes got a glimpse at the stars. The trigger would be just as effective if the daytime sky were covered with dark clouds of mystical rain or thunder. Though a clear sky with bright sunshine seemed to dull the resonance of my obsession somewhat, as did some the occasional fronts of heat it would bring on.

But my addiction to the concept of outer space was no longer the exclusive conceptions occupying my mind anymore. I had a new wave of emotions constantly washing over me. Though I did nothing to try and suppress them, such powerful anger and rage only made my days more exhausting over time. So even in Gym class did I do my best to avoid men as much as possible. But the only real way to accomplish this was to distance myself from them on every level. In order to take on such a challenge, I made it my mission to sit at grouped desks only near other female classmates, and to partner up with a random female classmate if ever there was a group project assigned in any of my classes.

I knew what I was doing by now, keeping myself so surrounded by girls that I was attracting all of the wrong kinds of attention from everyone viewing my situation on the outside. Even a few teachers made brief comments about it, but I ignored all external opinion. I couldn't stand the thought of men so much that I had no other choice but to do this.

There was a strange additional feeling attached to my hatred of men that wasn't easy to detect at first. Being around the girls brought me some kind of relaxed feeling I wouldn't get by sitting alone. Despite how bad I am at talking to girls in the first place, hanging out with them was another story. I didn't mind their idle chatter, even when it was supposed to be one of those girl talk moments. It gave me a strange yet subtle kind of comfort and serenity inside that I found difficult to identify with. I never was able to understand what it meant, but that situation in itself also triggered some unexpected consequences at the same time.

"... That's what she set out. It was sooooo not cool!" Having got through another mini-story of various tales Maddison enjoyed delivering at the table of desks, she had everyone listening with both eyes and ears, everyone except for me, since I was spacing out again.

"Isn't that a fact of life?" Banarus expressed rhetorically, shifting in her seat to motivate herself changing the subject. "If I were allowed to throw parties, nobody would mess anything up."

Ensuring her sister knew the rights and wrongs of throwing an actual party, Britney puffed the back of her hair while adding, "But you would have to invite someone special over, at least a boyfriend. If you don't, people won't understand that it is your party they're going to."

"You do that, and your mom would really flip."

While Maddison was usually right about that, Banarus swiftly reminded her, "I always hoped my mom would be cooler than that. Still, it's not as though I have someone I can just ask."

Don't look at me. Even though my own silence to them was awkward, I never did find any moment where I could just jump in and add anything useful to such a conversation. Maddison, Banarus, Britney, and Malica were all taking about so much, mostly things I could hardly relate to. I don't know how much I buy them throwing parties, but my childhood was never that special. I've also never officially dated anyone before, so it's not as if I could jump in and offer them advice, not on that or on parties. As for my mother, she's not uncool, but she has her moments of cringe too; all moms do at one point or another.