Overlap

Chapter 96: Entropic Doom

<Content Rating: This chapter contains principles and elements of severe depression and thoughts of suicide. Proceed with care.>

<12/06/2012 - 08:31 | Cage High School (Theatre), Austell, GA, USA>

The sinking feeling deep in my gut never left me alone. Ever since I started thinking more about the future I wanted to have with Lumina, something else has been bothering me on the back of my mind. I've long known now what my true purpose in life is, at least the life I'm living here on Earth.

Living happily together with Lumina is more than my ultimate goal; it's my sole purpose of living, the reason I get out of bed every day, awakening to a world so horrendous and ugly. I don't care how weird others would see it; that I want to live in a nice house up North with my alien wife, a woman I can only be with telepathically. With the remaining days I have to live here on Earth, this is how I want to live the rest of my life.

I should have been paying attention to how naive I've been all this time. In order for me to live on my own financially, I would need one hell of a high-wage job, as well as many lucky breaks. More factors threaten to encroach on this future than the abilities and factors I have at my disposal to make it come true. All this time, I've been hyped up about the possibility of that future I saw, premonition 005. Whether the vision I saw was real or not, it's what I want most in this life.

If I ask myself, what is the probability of attaining this status in life, what number would I come up with? Lumina has been teaching me a lot about calculating probability matrixes lately. As I began applying the rules to this scenario, I've come to realize that what I want to hope for, is virtually impossible. I'm desiring something beyond the scope of a miracle, something that will likely never happen to me.

I'm reminded about all the horrible memories Lumina forced me to share about her observations of other people in the world. Not everybody's suffering was caused by other people or heathens; some suffering was brought on by the unexpected economic hardships and mere bad luck that runs into people, destroying futures by mere chance, even though nobody reports or talks about it... It could happen to me too.

I have no reason to think it won't happen to me. Sustaining myself outside of my own family in a state up north won't be easy; I've always known this... But the challenge as I see it now is more impossible than I ever feared before. Simply having faith that everything will work out somehow, believing in a future without the ability to make everything more certain is entirely pointless.

I know what it's like to get my hopes up so high, only to have them be crushed thereafter. Experiencing that more than once does something to me; it changes me bit by bit, preventing me from expecting something wonderful the next time I'm supposed to. This future I want to have with Lumina isn't likely to happen in success, especially when I have no idea how to make it happen in the first place. I've gotten used to the idea of expecting miracles to happen in my life, even though I've only ever known the one miracle of meeting Lumina.

I already know by now that good and bad things do not happen to people who deserve it; fate and karma are nothing more than random games of Bingo with a few lottery tickets attached. Even if I want this future more than anything, even if I'm a good person through to the end, even if I wish for something with all I am, the probability of failure does not change. Wishes do not come true because we want them to. There are no divine miracles of interference in our world. Karma is nonexistent, only a system of fantasy conceived to make ourselves more comfortable about the true nature of our randomness in life, our constant entropic doom.

The future that I want to happen, the place I want to be ten years from now, between myself and Lumina, it just isn't going to happen after all. Maybe I only saw what I wanted to see. Regardless, there are too many barriers in the way of making such a lifestyle successful on my end. I have no luck to give to this certainty of doom. I have no friends in life to help me out where I need it most. Lumina doesn't have the specific intelligence of making it in the world, at least where it applies to me. It's all more likely that I'll be sunk down by dead-end, minimum wage paying jobs, trapped in Georgia by financial hardship, or held down by the increasing severity of my headache disability. What I want to do, I can't do. What I want to believe is only a fantasy rising from my heart; a wish, an idea. My desires contain no sustenance of power. Without knowing what to do for priority number one, that goal might as well not even exist...