Overlap

Chapter 120: Invisible

<06/11/2018 - 22:00 | Link Street (Park), Marietta, GA, USA>

There are times I'm asked about my daily routine or what I get up to on a day-by-day basis, as an adult to where I am now. The questions are usually meaningless to me, spawned simply from low-level small talk, compared to the things I want to say. Besides, it's not as if I do the same thing every single day.

Though lately, I have been making a routine out of these lonely and depressing night walks, prancing around the neighborhood all by myself, tuned to the heart-crushing music of 'One Day' by Henrik Airaksinen, and 'Town, Flow of Time, People' ~ Clannald OST on repeat. On a night as dark as this one, without a star in the sky amidst the clouds, and among the streets with burnt out streetlights, I could feel my soul crying in the despair I've returned to.

Normally, I go on these long walks only when something heavy is on my mind or when I simply want to blow some time talking to Lumina. As it's been for the last month however, and as it will be for about five more consecutive months, this routine I have now will become a nightly routine. Even with the sun's absence here, the night is still totally warm, entirely uncomfortable. It's still better to walk at night than in day, since I don't have to have that blinding light as reminder of this year's summer season.

It should be obvious to the reason why I'm as sad and depressed now as I can possibly be. Even though I've been through this cycle many times before, no amount of time can ever make this easier for me. Countless days blow by, chaining my heart in a prison without any attention or company. The summer is responsible for this, for the absence of Lumina in my life during this time of the year. When it's warm all the time like this, I cannot invoke telepathy to reach her. All I can do now is remember her, think about her, and hope that we see each other again when Georgia cools off once more. However, it's far more difficult to hope for something that won't be here anytime soon. That's why, in a battle of despair versus happiness, the darkest corners of my heart supersede all that makes me feel whole and alive, until I am merely a shell of my former self.

<EXA = Clannald>

I may sound like a broken record to some, but this is my daily routine in the summer; this is a big part of my life, the very situation I drown myself in several hours each day, during the most difficult time of my life set to repeat each year. I won't apologize for it, because this isn't something anybody can control.

I hate Georgia! I've said it before, and I'll say it again without end. This long lasting heat wave is the reason I hate Georgia so much. I hate everything about this place, about this state, and even the town's infrastructure, offering so little to me in return for all I've wanted to do. The thing is, Lumina's absence to me now is not the only specific reason I'm so down and out of myself. There is another problem I've long had to deal with, something else which still escapes my grasp.

Even though nobody could ever take her place, my life wouldn't be so bad during this time if I at least had someone I can lean on just a little, a friend to talk to, a companion to hang out with, an ally who accepts us for who we are. I've been trying all my life to make human friends, willing to be satisfied with just one if I were able to. Despite how crappy this town is, I still live in a large neighborhood, I sign up for online-friendship sites, and I even try talking to people at random now, something I never used to do. No matter the effort I put in however, I always receive nothing in return.

I put in effort all the time to be understood, to try and talk to another human about my situation with Lumina, about anything that makes us unique. Things may start out well, but they always end in disaster, usually by means of me getting ghosted by the other. I'll never understand such a behavior from humans, nor I will I forgive it. The point is, I'm still alone right now, all by myself. Not one other soul in this entire universe can see me, understand me, or care for me in the slightest, aside from my wife, who again, isn't here right now.

Do you know what it's like to be this alone? Do you know how it feels to be invisible or not worth it to anybody in the entire world? As amazing as Lumina is, I wonder sometimes how it is even possible for someone such as her to exist. She's too amazing, too wonderful by comparison for any of this to be possible.

But it is possible. Lumina really does exist. I don't care if the people I talk to believe this secret or not; I just want to be accepted for it. I just want to find somebody in this wretched world, tell them everything I've been through, and have that person not run away from me when they hear the tune of my soul.

It's next to impossible - every time it happens to avoid labeling myself as a repulsive, ugly freak. Lumina assures me that I am the most amazing person she knows, but to everybody else, I feel like I'm the dysfunctional person, a human who nobody wants to be with, a freak who doesn't deserve any attention at all.

I know it's probably just my own imagination, my own self-destructive thoughts attacking me from all sides, to find some rational reason to the irrational conclusion that I can never make other friends in this life. I don't feel at fault for wanting this though. Is it really so crazy of me to wish, expect, or hope that somebody out in the world will see me for who I really am? Why can't some other nightwalker pass me by, observing a careful glance into my watery eyes, see the pain of isolation in my soul, and make a move to comfort me, at least take interest? Why can't somebody take notice of my sadness and get involved enough to try something, anything at all? It only reinforces the idea that nobody in the world cares about me at all.

This is what I do every night in the summer, playing the music of montrum or sadness as I stagger and slunk through the night, imagining scenario after scenario of a better life, of a better condition, or a moment where I actually do make a friend. I know the imagination isn't reality, but with everything I've learned, those simulations I run are far more realistic and accurate now than they were before; so I know it isn't irrational of me to think such a bond with another person is possible. It should have happened to me so long ago, but I was never that lucky.

Yes, I was discovered, founded, and brought to a new stage of awakening and knowledge by an Altiri alien. As incredible as this was, as much as this has kept me alive and going, it should not have become the single thread I cling to for purpose. I know now, that if it weren't for Lumina, I would have ended things a long time ago, being in the same situation I am now under much worse circumstances, circumstances in which I'm alone, only without knowing Lumina. My point is, this is wrong. Me having zero other friends despite all my greatest efforts, it isn't right. If I can see it, so can anyone else.

So why? Why am I still so alone right now? Why can't anyone else try to be here for me? Why must I be so invisible? Why must I be so insignificant? If I knew someone were suffering this pain as I do now, I would never leave them alone to feel this way. So why can everyone else I try to talk to inflict such pain onto me? True it is that I don't open up to everyone, but I've recently tried and failed yet again to make an online friend, this being the tenth person now to hear my Altiri secret and then decline to communicate with me afterwards.

Is the belief or acceptance of another person's circumstances so prioritized to everybody, that it trumps everything about how they feel inside about others? Is normalcy so important to everyone else, that being without it marks me as an untouchable, paints me as a threat, and shuts out all reason to connect with me on even the most fundamental level of friendship?

Do you all feel the same way too? Do you read all the words from my heart, only to stare at me with eyes of disgust, giving glares of disapproval? Do you think I am a freak, judged entirely on the premise of the implausibility factor to my story? Am I not worthy of your communication despite how crushed I feel, simple because you won't accept the type of person I am, or how I think, or how I chose to live my life?

I can't know the answers to these questions, because I don't even have anybody here to ask. All I can do is wonder, wonder why after all these years, I have no friends. All I can do is thicken the walls and boundaries around my soul, to ensure I don't get my hopes up ever again, to cut back on how much I can trust another human being, all so that I don't get hurt like this again. I don't want these walls around me, but I have no choice to build them up as a fence. Should I even bother to keep trying? Should I ever assume there will be a time in the future where I will succeed in making at least one friend that I can trust?

The answer shall elude me.