HP Oneshots, headcannons, and Incorrect Quotes

Incorrect quotes part ??

These follow the AU where Severus was sorted into Gryffindor instead which is my favorite AU

Peter: * leaving his room to get some snacks in the middle of the night*

Remus: * leaving Sirius's room*

Dorcas: * leaving Marlene's room*

Regulus: * leaving James's room, sees everyone, turns back around*

Peter: * confused, looking at everyone leaving people's rooms* I saw nothing. * turns back around and stays in his room*

~~

Severus: When I see initials carved into a tree with a heart I think it's so romantic. Two lovers on a date... one of them carrying a knife for some reason.

~~

Lily: Ooh, somebody has a crush

Severus: Pfft, I don't have a crush on Nebula I just think they're cool, it's not like I stay up at night thinking about them.

*Later that night*

Severus: * very much awake* oh Merlin...

~~

Sirius: Talk dirty to me~

Remus: Inflation is a serious problem and lumber prices are at a high.

Sirius: Wha-

Remus: The economy is in shambles.

~~

Remus: Sirius and I got married!!

Severus: Don't share your personal problems with everyone.

~~

Remus: Okay, I'm going to get the wedding cake.

Sirius: Perfect, while you do that I'll check on the ring bear.

Remus: ...

Remus: You mean ring bearER, right?

Sirius: ...

Remus: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding.

James: * walks in* hey Pads the bea-

Sirius: not now Prongs.

~~

Peter: Why is Prongs crying on the floor?

Severus: They're drunk.

Peter: And?

Severus: They saw a picture of Lily's husband.

Peter: But they're Lily's husband.

Severus: I know.

~~

Nebula: So... who's the big spoon and who's the little spoon?

Sirius: We're chopsticks!

Nebula: Well... that's cute!

Nebula: Does that mean you two snuggle together perfectly?

Remus: No, it means that if you take the other away, the only thing the other is good for is stabbing.

~~

Peter: * with a gun to Nebula's head* What happens if I pull this trigger? Heaven?

Nebula: Bold of you to assume I'll go to Heaven.

Severus: let's face it Beaker, you'd go to Heaven. Heck you can't even kill a fly.

~~

James: Here comes the lightning!

James: * whispers* You've got to imagine it coming out my fingertips, wherein I am an almighty wizard.

Sirius: Ok, currently imagining that. Hmm, not bad. Not bad at all.

Severus:

Severus: not gonna question-

~~

Nebula: You ever see something that changes your life and you're just like "huh.."

Severus: I saw you.

Nebula: Honestly that's so cute and sweet but it kinda makes this awkward because I was gonna show you a picture of Peter in a turkey costume.

~~

Lily: Damn, Moony, are you secretly cool?

Remus: Well, poker is just math, so I guess it depends on if you consider the mathematician, Carl Friedrich Gauss, cool.

Lily: I do not.

~~

Lily: Are you laughing at that video of Scales and Moony fighting?

James: No.

James: I'm laughing at the comments.

~~

Severus: Can I offer you a nice stick during these troubling times?

Sirius: * sniff* is it because I'm a dog?

~~

Remus: Wait a minute, how did this happen? We're smarter than this!

Nebula: Apparently, we're not.

~~

Peter, James, and Sirius: * goofing off in class*

McGonagall: * sighs* at least they have Remus, Nebula, and Severus to control them.

* later*

Sirius: it would be funny if we turned the Slytherin's robes red.

Remus: no absolutely not.

James: oh c'mon Moony.

Nebula: the guy has a point.

Sirius; you too Beaker?

Peter: at least we have Scales on our side...

Severus: spoiler alert: you don't. Why would you turn them red?

Nebula, remus, and severus: when we could turn them invisible.

~~

McGonagall: * walks into her seemingly empty office

McGonagall; well I guess the room is empty what a perfect time to set fire to my desk.

* marauders scramble out from under the desk*

~~

Sirius: yk when you sip tea after everything you say, it doesn't make it factual. It just makes you look like a jerk when it is not factual.

Remus: I'm not saying I'm right about everything, I just feel like I often am right about a lot of things. * sips tea*

Sirius: * flips table*

~~