Bad Timing | Satoru Gojo | Toji Fushiguro | Jujutsu Kaisen

Chapter 5

Pride... Ego... Selfishness and the unstoppable obsession with power. All of them are a common characteristics that shaped and molded us humans, since the first day we walked this damned earth.
Sometimes they were good, sometimes they were bad, depends on the situation. But most of the time, they make us do stupid things, things we don't think thoroughly.

They get us so involved and centered within a momentarily thought, a feeling, just a glimpse of a trance sensation, tricking us on a 'what if...' theory in our heads, that drowns every little atom of sense in and around us...

What if I did this? What if I chose this? What will happen if I accepted this? What if I'm actually this strong? What if I can take a challenge like this? I am strong, I am great, I can make it, I can take him down, I can prove myself... etc...

All these momentarily thoughts, come poisoning our brains, poisoning our core, without the slightest hint of rationality, without a one sensible minute, to stop and think of the actual poison that's been spreading through us...

And as strong and smart as he was, he unfortunately and regrettably acted based on what that poison was telling him. He gave himself and his mind to it, he let his pride and ego get in charge and screw him over at the very end.

He pushed himself to the limit, which was selfish and stupid, because not only he didn't think about himself, he didn't think about me, either.

Yes, me.. I wasn't selfish, or maybe I was like him... Because right then, I had every right to be one. He promised me, he said he would never leave, he would be careful. He said I needed to put my faith in him, and I did! I did, Toji, I did believe in you... But what did you do with that faith?

"Did you hear me, Miss?" The man's voice seemed very far and barely audible in my head. My ears were buzzing with something, I wasn't sure if it was something ringing on the outside or it was a sound in my head. But it felt like a hundred alarm sirens had been activated inside my skull. Buzzing and splitting every nerve in my brain. My body felt like I was floating, I didn't really feel the floor beneath my feet, I didn't feel my legs supporting my body either. I didn't know how I was still standing at the front door, facing a man I've never seen before, as he was handing me an envelope, which I guessed was the money.

"Miss.. are you listening? Here, take it.." The man's cold hand reached down for my lifeless hand at my side. I flinched a bit when he grabbed my wrist, because I felt like I wanted to fight his touch, like it was forbidden for him to touch me, no other man should touch me, no one but him... My lost soulmate.

But I didn't do it, I stayed still as he opened my fingers and put the check in my hand. I didn't even bother to wrap my fingers around it so he did it for me.

"This is everything we promised we would pay to him, he instructed us to deliver it to this address in case, well, in case something happens..." The man mumbled, his voice was still distanced and echoey in my head.

In case he dies, that's what he meant, not anything happening, just in case he dies.

He knew things would go wrong, he knew something would happen, and he wouldn't be able to receive the money. So he what? He just told them to give it to me! Like I would actually take it, this fucking filth! This money that got him killed in the first place!

The man finally turned to leave, being polite enough to close the door behind him.

Then it started. Rage, thick and sickening rage started to boil inside me.

He promised me!

He promised...

How?

What am I supposed to do now?

I couldn't even bring myself to admit it...

"No...." a loud and ugly shriek escaped my throat as the weight of what I just heard finally collapsed down on me. My knees buckled, and I fell to the hard floor. I started gasping into my palms. The envelope, crumbled, got stained with tears as I started sobbing uncontrollably.

"What... What have you done?" I whispered through my sobs, then looked at the stained piece of paper in my hand and I felt an unimaginable loathe towards it. I balled my hand shut with the paper inside of it, squeezing as hard as I could, crimping it with my fingers.

"How could you do this to us?" I cried to it, as if it can hear me, as if he was still around me, watching over me...

I screamed again, this time smacking my head with my fist then throwing that piece of paper away, as if it was a fireball that just burned and blistered my hand. But it wasn't, it just laid crumbled and damped next to the door frame.

My tears kept on falling, I wanted to scream, I wanted to hit and smash things. I wanted to run to him, to hug him and cry between his arms..

"Where are you now?" I whispered to myself, to my surroundings. "I need you.. Why did you leave me.." I started sobbing hard again, clamping my mouth with my shaky hand.

Why couldn't he just kept on doing shitty and easy jobs? Gambling? We were fine with just these things.. I never asked for money, I never cared for it. I accepted this life as it was with him, because I didn't care about anything but him.. I don't want money, fancy cars or clothes, I never wanted those, he was everything I wanted.. I wanted only him and nothing else..

I laid my body on the floor, still in front of the door, on top of the blanket that fell from my shoulders when that man came. My knees pulled up to my chest and I hugged myself. My mind wandering a few days back to my birthday, the day he decided was my birthday.

It was my birthday because he chose it to be, I felt like my life started because of him, all those sixteen years before him were nothing and meant nothing. I was wandering through life aimlessly until he found me, birthed me into this world again and showed me what it felt like to live! To be loved and treasured..

I will never be able to love again, ever...

My eyes started to heavy and sting from crying, but they didn't stop crying. Tears kept falling and soaking the dirty carpet under my cheek..

What about my wish? The birthday wish I made, how I was so happy, so calm and grateful.. The way he smiled at me as I was wishing for nothing, nothing and no one from this world but him, and for that moment to last a lifetime.. What happened to that?

"Where did you go?" I whispered again, then I kept repeating it, like somehow he would hear me and answer me...

My heart started hurting then, a burning sensation, like a fire had erupted in my chest and no one could ever put it down...

"Where did you go?"

Through the blur of my tears, I caught the ball of paper that I just threw in front of me. Still crumbled, as if mirroring me, I didn't know who was mirroring who. Because I felt just like that piece of stained and wrinkled paper... Despite the big value and the strength it carried, it still felt empty, useless and drenched with guilt...

And that was how I felt.. Guilty, shameful, useless, disgusting, lost, tired, empty and... hollow.

December 24th, 7:47 P.M.
My life changed for good. Something in me broke, deformed and died... and it could never, be put back to the way it was before, ever again...