Searching

Chapter 37

Searching
Katibah Elle
Chapter 37

Zuhair thrust his hands roughly through his hair, tugging at the strands hard enough to cause pain.
A bad habit he had developed out of nervousness, but right now he wasn’t just nervous.
No, he was losing his mind with worry.

Tahseen didn’t know it, but he sensed the vast change in her immediately.
Heightened desperation rolled off of her in waves, it suffocated her presence and while she held love for her daughter and for him in her eyes, he could see clear as day, that those eyes were beginning to gradually turn numb.

Those eyes haunted him, because he knew that look all too well, the same numbness he’d witnessed in his own sister’s eyes, but with Tahseen there was more, almost a faint layer of hysteria that was bidding its time, and he was afraid like never before.

“ I might lose her. I can feel it.” He murmured to himself, his throat raw with emotion, turning away from the window to face his friend.

Eric watched him pace back and forth in his office, then sighed, “Zuhair, you need to talk to her, if you’re going to pretend that everything is fine with her, she will fall apart from the inside, thinking that you don’t care enough to notice, or she’ll keep everything inside, building up an immense pain. Don’t make that mistake, not again.”

Zuhair turned to Eric, tension causing him to bunch his shoulders, “Tahseen is nothing like my sister Aaliyah! And it’s not just post natal depression Eric. It’s more than that. Tahseen is questioning her spiritual existence, gripping her into a vortex of chaos and turmoil. She doesn’t pray not because she’s a bad person, but simply because the void within her has her believing that she doesn’t deserve it, that she simply can’t. I thought I’d have the time to help her through it, but with a baby, it’s tearing away at her from two very different sides. She doesn’t allow me near hear, I can see her practically cringing at my touch. I have no idea how to approach her, I’m afraid it will push her away. What do I say? What if she doesn’t want me to help?”

Eric looked at Zuhair, “You are her husband, talk to her. Your fear of what happened to your sister is making you hold back. Do you think holding back will be good for Tahseen? No! She needs help and she needs you to be there for her, without judgment.”

Zuhair knew Eric was right, but he was so absolutely terrified. He wanted her to get the help she needed and the last thing he wanted was for Tahseen to feel attacked, to feel like he was judging her, to feel estranged from her own husband, not when he promised her he would be there for her, through all the good and the bad.
The timing is terrible, especially since she gave birth but he wasn’t willing to give up on her.

Zuhair rubbed his hands over his face and sighed, “Thanks Eric. I didn’t know who to talk to and…I didn’t want to get the parents involved, because everyone will force themselves in Tahseen’s face and she’ll freak out…”

Eric shook his head, “I get it. I’m one of your closest friends for a reason, now go… she needs you.”

Zuhair gave Eric a small grateful smile before turning and rushing home.

***

“Tahseen?” Zuhair called out as soon as he opened the front door.
When no answer came, he called out again, louder this time, “Tahseen baby? I’m home.”

Zuhair forced a calm that he didn’t feel at the moment, almost reliving the same day he called out to his sister Aaliyah, with no answer.

He walked to the kitchen and noticed the opened bottle of milk on the table, an empty bowel and scattered cereal.

He frowned, he knew that Tahseen was not eating properly when he wasn’t around, but he made sure to make meals ready for her to eat when he wasn’t at home, and she wasn’t eating those meals… but that was the least of his worries at the moment.

He made his way to the bedroom, seeing their daughter fast asleep on their bed, pillows surrounding her little body and Tahseen sitting crossed legged on the carpet.
However his soft sigh of relief was short lived when he saw the expression on her face.

Dried tears marked her cheeks and her eyes were blank, fixated in nothing, but the bare wall.

He knelt down on his knees, sitting in front of Tahseen, gently moving away the hair on her face.
She snapped then, jerking away from him abruptly, “Don’t touch me!” she hissed.

Zuhair froze, his hand dropping to his lap…the tone of her voice, never had he heard Tahseen respond to him with such venom laced with every word.

“Tahseen?” he knew how uncertain he sounded, and he hated it.

She looked up at him, her eyes red, lips trembling, “I’m sorry… I just… can’t right now… I don’t want you..to.. ”

“It’s OK,baby. I won’t touch you. I just wanted to talk. That’s all.”

She eyed him warily, “About what?”

He pushed away the ache in chest and forced out a smile, “We used to talk to each other all the time, now with parenthood, I feel as if most of our conversations are about our Aaliyah. So I just wanted to know how my Tahseen is doing, not the mama nor the wife, just you.”

Tahseen lowered her eyes, wringing her hands in her lap.

She was silent for a long time but Zuhair didn’t want to push her.
He simply waited.

Her deep sigh cracked in her chest as she confessed, “I don’t know Zuhair. I feel nothing, absolutely nothing most of the time. But during the darkness of the night, when both you and Aaliyah are asleep… this frustration claws away at my throat and all I want to do is scream. Scream until something clicks… but I don’t know what that something is. I find it so difficult to wake up every morning and live… I’m so lost…..and I feel as if I shouldn’t be a mother. The guilt of feeling like this when I have such a beautiful family. I don’t know what’s wrong with me…”

Zuhair held out his hand before her, “I want to hold you so badly right now my love… but.. If you feel comfortable, take my hand…”

Tahseen stared at his hand for a heartbeat and gingerly reached forward, her fingers interlocking with his until his hand wrapped around her hand.

He didn’t move further, but with a gentle squeeze he spoke, “Tahseen, that darkness lives within every one of us. Each person deals with it differently, for some it doesn’t seem to affect them, but for other it weighs them down, causing them to question their existence. That darkness is the promise Iblees made. Post natal depression has intensified the panic and, there is no quick fix… I would like to suggest you to seek professional help, someone you’re comfortable with… and I know that prayer can help ease the pain, I’m not talking about making sure of all your faraaidh, I’m talking about genuinely praying and talking out loud of any inner struggle. I know you have an inner battle and your relationship with Allah is strained, so baby steps, a renewal of connection. The therapy can help sort out the chaos inside your head and…I want to be involved, if you’ll let me.”

Zuhair looked at Tahseen when she didn’t reply, and noticed that her body was wrecked and trembling.

Without a word further, he gathered her weak form in his lap.

His eyes fluttered shut and an ease rushed over him, this was the first step, and she came to him willingly.

He knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but loving someone through all the good and bad was never meant to be.