Searching

Chapter 40

Searching
Katibah Elle
Chapter 40

Zuhair held onto Tahseen tightly as she screamed and screamed, the harsh body tremors leaving her body, causing him to feel completely and utterly broken, useless even.

No one could ever prepare a person for such a devastating moment like this.
The type, where the pain is so acute that it rips at you with no mercy… and yet, you have to somehow find the strength for the one you love.

Looking at the lifeless body of his daughter in his wife’s arms knocked him completely down.
No, it destroyed him.

He knew with experience, that the sight of death will never be something easy to deal with.
It leaves the aftertaste of sadness and terror filled memories.

Zuhair tried his best to hold back his own tears, but he had no control over it, his beard catching the droplets of his heartbreak.

Vaguely he thought he heard the doorbell ring but he couldn’t be sure.

Not when all his emotions and thoughts were being pulled in different paralleled directions, the thoughts so loud and demanding, he thought his head might blow with the pressure.

He needed to do something, call someone.

Eric.

Eric would know what to do, Eric could talk them through it and Tahseen trusted him.

With this affirmation, he moved, quickly wiping away the tears that smeared his face.

Very carefully Zuhair lifted his hands to hold Tahseen’s arms and finally spoke, “Tahseen. We…we need to uh… call Eric. I need you to talk to him.”

Tahseen pushed away from him, enraged by his suggestion, “NO! I am not letting go of my baby, Zuhair. No… no.”

Zuhair stared at her miserably and tried again, “Tahseen… we need to inform…our family and… start preparing…”

Tahseen shoved at his chest hard, with Aaliyah still in her arms, her voice deathly quiet, “… a funeral? I am NOT preparing her funeral now! Have you lost your mind? It was supposed to be her half birthday today! We were… we were supposed to be watching her right now, Zuhair. Right now!”

Tahseen hand shook and she swung her arm in the direction of the nursery.

“I know my love, I know.” Zuhair acknowledged, unable to avoid the crack in his voice.

Tahseen turned away from him then, and with her back to him she began to sing. The very same nasheed she sang to Aaliyah every single night, the verses of the first kalima.

Zuhair trembled at the sound, and he couldn’t bare to be in the room with his wife and daughter any longer.

He stood up and ran out of the room, without a backwards glance.
Zuhair ran to the bathroom and threw up, the sick feeling compelling him to force everything out.
Weakly he slid to the floor, nauseated at the faint sound of Tahseen’s voice that traveled through the house.

Unable to block out her voice, Zuhair forced himself up and retreated outside.

A perfectly fine late afternoon, the sun still shining, a sweet breeze lifting the branches of the trees every so lightly.

He wanted to laugh, oh the irony!

Such a seemingly peaceful and calming day, yet inside his house the queen of havoc has made its announcement.

Filling his lungs with the fresh air, he had the urge to roar at the sky, to force away the sun and bring upon thunder.
The type of thunder he felt inside him, all consuming, a raging force.

Zuhair tried to shake it away, until his gaze landed on at the princess themed play area, that they just recently installed.

His Aaliyah will never get to play on it, he will never get to be the excited father, waiting for her at the bottom of the slide so he could catch her and throw her in the air.

And that’s when he let go.
He let out the fresh grief, the unexplained anger of knowing that he lost his child before he had a chance at life with her, and as if the skies knew of such pain, the clouds gathered and the sun disappeared.

How was he supposed to face his wife?
Their parents?
How could he look in the mirror, knowing yet another soul was taken away from him?

There was only one thing he could manage to hold onto, and that was to trust the plan of his Creator, Allah.

It was a very bitter pill to swallow, especially right now… but in a way, that was the beauty of faith, in the most darkness of times to never forsake it.

Zuhair lightly ran his fingers on the princess slide and with a final decision, he called his friend.

Eric answered on the first ring, “Hi Zuhair! I know you and Tahseen said the little party is just for family, but I just got done with my last patient and I want to drop by. I got a gift for Aaliyah, and I won’t stay long… I just wanted to see her…”

Zuhair cleared his throat to mask the tears, “Eric…something happened and I need you here. Please it’s urgent.”

Eric laughed, “Is your wife fussing over the buttercream? Look a small taste won’t hurt Aaliyah and...”

“She died Eric… I don’t know how it happened. Please get here.” Zuhair blurted, unable to hear her name again.

Eric’s shocked intake of breath made Zuhair cut the call, he couldn’t take it anymore.

Eric just needed to get here, and maybe he could summon some strength for what felt like a curse, and so he waited.
He waited until Eric arrived.

Eric hugged him without a word, and Zuhair had no idea what to say. He just held on for a little longer, trying so hard not to break.

He ushered Eric into his home with a gesture, noticing that Tahseen stopped singing.

As he reached the bedroom, there was no crying, there wasn’t a sound.

Pushing open the door her saw Tahseen asleep on the floor, her tears dried on her cheeks, with Aaliyah still in her arms.

Zuhair crouched down, gently passing his index finger in Tahseen’s face, and when she didn’t stir, he reached for Aaliyah, trying to pry her out of her mother’s arms.

As soon as he pulled at  her grip, Tahseen woke up, screaming.

She screamed and kicked at him, “No! You can’t take her away. You can’t take my baby away! Let go! LET GO OF HER!”

Zuhair held onto her wrists tightly and shouted, “ENOUGH! Tahseen enough!”

Tahseen stopped screaming and looked at him with wide, fearful eyes.

He looked away and said, “Eric is here. Let him examine her.”

Tahseen lifted her head and when saw that Eric was standing by the doorway, she narrowed her eyes in anger at her husband, “I’m a Doctor too Zuhair! I don’t need anyone to examine my child. I know how she died! Sudden infant death syndrome…there’s no symptoms or warning signs…even though she was perfectly healthy! So no, I don’t need Eric here!”

Eric walked in the room at the mention of his name, “Tahseen. If you don’t want me here I will leave, but… she’s dead Tahseen. You can't keep holding her. There’s a procedure that needs to be done, you of all people should know.”

Tahseen was quiet for a long time and eventually she looked at Zuhair, painful resignation in her eyes, “We need to prepare for burial.”
Zuhair held out his hands, waiting for Tahseen to hand over Aaliyah, and when she didn’t move, he hugged her tightly, “It’s time to let go, my love.”

With those words, Tahseen sobbed into his chest, her grip loosening on Aaliyah until she no longer held her, and Tahseen moaned in agony at the loss of her little baby girl.