Searching

Chapter 48

Chapter 48
Searching
Katibah Elle

Tahseen opened her eyes, the acme of panic hitting her once again.

Did she pass out?

Her hands shook as she lifted the tips of her fingers up to her cheeks, only to find that her face was soaked with her tears, leaving an almost sticky residue under her eyelids, and yet she couldn’t seem to stop herself from letting out soft cries.

Zuhair… her Zuhair… oh how could that be?!

Her disbelief was unparalleled, and the hollow feeling of helplessness engulfed every inch of her being, leaving her at odds against the face of reality.

Squeezing her eyes shut as she gasped for air, a single teardrop trickled pass her lips, and it was the sharp salty taste on her tongue that suddenly snapped her out of her overwhelming distress.

“Tahseen!” She reprimanded herself out loud, “You have got to pull yourself together!”

She knew that losing her mind right now was not an option, even though she was set so close to the edge, tilting towards ruin…

As a doctor, she understood that if she allowed herself to fall now, she’d be lost for a very long time, the darkness of her mental health would destroy her.

Pinching the bridge of her nose, Tahseen quietly screamed back at all of the clamour in her head.
She knew better than to succumb to the demons of hysteria.

Think! Tahseen think!

What would Eric demand from her when she worked with him?

In any medical situation, be it in a dire life or death, every and all information should be quickly assessed first, before anything else.

There had been no confirmation that the concealed body was that of Zuhair’s.

Had the body been badly damaged; beyond recognition, a DNA test would confirm the identity of the victim, but she hadn’t seen the body yet.

Tahseen peered through the darkness.
Where was the ambulance?

With the palms of her hands, she tried to wipe away the tears as well as the stray hairs that stuck to her temples.
Tahseen was agitated that she couldn’t see clearly, her vision had become blurry with the tears, and her eyes felt heavy, aching from crying so much.
She rubbed her palms back and forth across her eyes to ease the tension.

The movement seemed like such an effort, her body felt stiff and cold, as if she had aged drastically in those few moments, but she was determined to haul out all of her strength, imperative for her psychological state.

Her surroundings were so quiet and she couldn’t hear the police officer nor any of the paramedics, Tahseen squinted in the darkness, where did they go? 

She needed to get to the stretcher, to find out if the body discovered was really Zuhair, if not…

That would mean that he was still out there, possibly badly injured and she was sure he needed medical attention.

If the bloodied body was that of Zuhair…her breath hitched in her throat and she forced away the horrifying images.

As she tried to lift up her body, the sound of the Athan rose softly through the cold air, causing Tahseen to sit up abruptly, confused…

(Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar)

The words echoed, she was sure of it.
Ignoring her aching bones, she looked around and came to the realization that she was huddled on the outside bench of her balcony.
Frantically, she ran her hands over the arms of the cold steel bench, solid and firm.

Tears welled in her eyes yet again, but these were tears of immense relief.

Oh Alhamdulillah!

A dream!

Losing Zuhair was just a dream, her personal fear induced dream, a nightmare that felt so real and painful.

Tahseen slumped back again the bench, rocking herself back and forth, a tearful utterance of gratitude to Allah. 

The parting words of the Athan floated through the crevices of her mind, as silence fell over the skyline.
But with every melodious word, Tahseen found herself yearning to hear more.

It had been a long time since she felt that the call to prayer had resonated with the part of her that was long lost, a part of herself that she felt so out of touch with.

It was not just a calling to prayer, it was a balm over the damaged heart, soothing her fragmented soul.

Tahseen’s chest constricted with conflicting emotions as she finally began to understand the paradox.

All this time she was so immersed in her sadness, that unavoidable pain the likes of its origin like that of the simmering earth core, the tremors enveloped and concealed by her inability to accept the death of her child.
She had avoided healing after losing Aaliyah.

The hard truth is that healing isn’t the perfect image of finally being okay, that praying will magically take away the trauma.
No, it’s ugly and physically draining, and it’s sitting there and having to face up to all the things she’d wanted so desperately to hide.

It meant that she had to acknowledge the deep rooted anger, the anger at herself for what she failed to understand, that death and life does not lay in her hands.
And hand in hand came the grief, loss of time, loss of love.
How the grief had already alienated her from the rest of the world; from Zuhair, the bitter necessity to push everyone away, resulting in loneliness and isolation.

But now…

Tahseen could acknowledge her mistake, pushing her husband away only served to drown her further into the misery.
And when she was alone with those disturbing thoughts, she questioned her faith, she found doubt in her existence and she’d created a stone cage around her heart.

Tahseen had lost her baby, something she’d began to dearly love, and when she couldn’t comprehend the reason for the loss, she lost her self love, she lost the love for her faith.

Born with the call of prayer in her ears, but that didn’t mean her faith is now fully embodied, there isn’t an automatic understanding.
Its for her to understand and seek out further knowledge, and accept that it was ok for her to feel at a loss.

After all these years of her life, she’d been searching and searching for that something, and it was right there all this time.
It was inside her, rooted in her soul.
The seed of tranquillity lay there, and she needed to find the love for her faith from within her, nurture and grow that seedling of Iman.

Tahseen looked up at the dark grey sky, and realized that she genuinely wanted to heal.
It may have taken her a long time, it may have meant that losing Aaliyah pulled her down to the lowest depth of pain she could ever imagine, but if her dream meant anything, was that she had the choice, she could either go through the good and bad that came with it, or she could stay behind in her sorrow and allow herself to be devastated by it.

With a glimmer of a smile, Tahseen quietly went back into her bedroom.

After making ablution, she stood on her prayer mat ready to bare her ravaged soul before her creator.
As she lifted her head from making salam on her left shoulder and as she raised her hands in supplication, Tahseen had an epiphany.

She’d lost her daughter, and it broke her but there was no way she was going to lose Zuhair, not by forcing him away, not like this.

Tahseen looked up at the clock in her bedroom, it may be early morning, but she couldn’t wait any longer.

There was somewhere she needed to be.