Searching

Chapter 42

Searching
Katibah Elle
Chapter 42

The scent of camphor filled the air, and Zuhair stood by the door, watching as the areas of sujood on his daughter’s body were adorned with it.

This Islamic practice, was what he found most beautiful about death in religion.
Applying the camphor, is to show honour to the limbs that touch the ground in prayer.
And while his daughter was too young to have prayed, it gave him a sense of comfort, that she will recognized amongst the believing.

His mother and mother in law both assisted those on duty for ghusl, and he was ever so grateful to them.
Just standing here was causing havoc in his heart, but he didn’t allow himself to succumb to it just yet.

Zuhair softly recited Surah Yaseen, and the second those words were uttered, almost as if it were unbidden, the image of his sister falling to her death popped in his head.
The very moment he realized she was dead, sprawled on the ground unnaturally, his lips tumbled over the verses of Surah Yaseen.
He didn’t know if he was supposed to read it at that time or not; if that was the correct way, but he read anyway, drawing strength from the words of Quran; just like he was doing so now.

As a human on earth, one of the most difficult things to swallow is an untimely death.
Both times, with both Aaliyah’s, their deaths were unexpected, and it forced Zuhair to accept that he does not have control over anything, ultimate control  only lies with the One who has the power to give life and death.

As those assisting wrapped up his daughter in the white kafan, and placed the body in the bier, carrying her to the hearse, Zuhair stayed back a moment.

When Ahmed Adam clasped his shoulder, Zuhair grabbed his father’s hand and whispered, “I lost a sister, and… as someone who took on the responsibility of looking out for her the guilt ate at me for years. With my daughter. This is so much more painful … h..hhow… how do I stop myself from falling into such grief again? How did you and mom do it?”

His father squeezed his shoulder and replied, “My son. To grieve is healthy, it is normal. The issue arises when many people can accept the death, but they fail to focus on what comes after death, for those of us that are still alive. Death teaches us that life is fleeting, short and unpredictable. And if this is the reality of life, the way we choose to live our lives after seeing death take a person we love, will determine how we process that grief. Do we grieve by reliving the pain over and over again, stuck in the anger of not having that control? Or do we grieve with the understanding that death is inevitable and we focus our pain to the One who has created our fragile heart. The pain will never ever go away, but a sense of peace can be achieved when we know that the creator of our hearts can give solace to even the most broken ones.”

Zuhair shook his head, “Tahseen .. Dad... She’s mine to care for, but how do I possibly fix this?”

His father smiled sadly, “You’re not meant to fix anything Zuhair, you just have to hold her hand in those dark and broken days and guide her towards the focus; that if Allah can take away something neither of you ever imagined of losing surely He has the power to grant you that which you never dreamed of gaining. And that my son, is faith.”

Zuhair grabbed his father in hug and together they walked to their car, ready to go back home.

When the hearse arrived at the house, Zuhair quickly jumped out of the car and requested, “I’d like to carry my daughter inside, please.”

He reached in and carefully lifted her out of the bier, carrying his little baby girl into their home for one last time.

Tahseen sat in the lounge with Kaju Khala, and when Zuhair saw his wife’s stricken expression, his heart squeezed painfully.

He laid Aaliyah on the carpet, and as soon as everyone else left the room he grabbed Tahseen’s hand , pulling her down to the carpet with him.
He placed her hand over the kafan, his hand over her palm and together they pulled away at the material to reveal Aaliyah’s face.

Tahseen gasped beside him, “Oh! She looks like she’s asleep.”

Zuhair looked down at her and smiled through the tears, Aaliyah really looked like she was sleeping, like any other ordinary day.

Tahseen leaned against him, and he kissed her forehead, pulling her closer while he continued to read Quran.

He was more than grateful for being left alone with his wife and Aaliyah.
The pain of farewell was shared between them, the ache only a parent losing a child can understand.

Eventually Zuhair looked at his watch, “Tahseen. It’s time.”

Tahseen lifted her head and begged, “No not yet…it’s too soon. I need more time…”.

Zuhair cupped her face in his hands, “It’s her time Tahseen, but the inevitable is that there is life after death, and then we will have all the time to our hearts content.”

She pulled away and shook her head as she whimpered, almost choking on her cries.
Her mother quickly came in and hugged Tahseen, holding her back. 
Tahseen sobbed, leaning down to give her daughter a final kiss to the forehead,  before Zuhair took her away.

After the Janazah prayer, Zuhair carried her body himself.
With her in his arms, each step felt heavier than the last.
Zuhair lowered himself into the grave, his vision blurring with the tears that gathered in his eyes.

The very same grave his sister was buried in before, now shared by his daughter.

As he laid down the Janazah on the bare sand, Zuhair felt a wave of pure sadness override him.
Never had he imagined that he would be the one to bury his own daughter, to throw sand over her tiny frame.
That the day he bid her farewell from his home, was the day of her death.

Zuhair was quiet and solemn during the ride all the way back home.
He barely took note of those that offered their sympathy, simply nodding his head to anyone who spoke to him.

When the car pulled up to his house, he sprinted inside, wanting to be alone with his suffering.

Just as he walked in the lounge where the women were reciting Quran, a commotion from outside momentarily distracted Zuhair, and soon enough the noise could be heard in the house.

Suddenly, Moosa Hassim came barging in the lounge.

Zuhair stared at him, perturbed by his presence and demanded, “What are you doing here?”

Ignoring Zuhair, he focused on Tahseen and muttered, “I came to offer my condolences, but my dear granddaughter, I hope you learn from this. This is what happens when you try to have a child with someone like him. This is a clear punishment.”

Zuhair growled, furious that he dared to come here and speak to his wife like that.

He was ready to escort him out, but Tahseen stood up, stopping Zuhair with her hand on his arm.

Very calmly she wiped away her tears and responded, “ I want you to know one thing. If at a time like this, when our family is in so much pain, you have the audacity to barge in my home during your temporary release and spew out such hate! Words that cause so much more hurt, stuck in the delusion of Zuhair not being good enough…then I truly pity you. You have never known love, and if you continue to live with this hatred for others, you will never truly be loved nor forgiven.”

Zuhair grabbed hold of Tahseen’s grandfather before he could say anything else, and lead him outside where the rest of the men waited.

The old man shoved Zuhair away and sneered, “Look! My granddaughter lost her child because of you!”

Zuhair refused to reply and turned his back on him, but he continued to throw insults.

Eric, who was watching the man smiled at Moosa, slowly walking towards him, “You know, everyone here has high morals and I suppose a sense of regard for you, and will choose to ignore you. But not me, I have absolutely no obligation whatsoever to be concerned about your well-being.”

Moosa looked at him confused and Eric swung his arm and punched him in the face.
Moosa fell to the ground, but not a single person bothered to assist him.

Eric pulled him up and dragged him back to his car, “It’s best if you leave Mr Hassim. You wouldn’t want me to report you for disorderly conduct, Hmmm? Adding on to your long list of felonies. ”