Searching

Chapter 36

Searching
Katibah Elle
Chapter 36

Tahseen sighed in great annoyance.

She looked at her husband, his eyes wide, watching her as she breastfed Aaliyah.

“Babe….” She whispered softly, trying not to disturb her baby.

Zuhair did not bat an eye.

“Love..” She called again, slightly louder this time, her exasperation increasing.

Zuhair remained unmoved, his eyes only on the bundle that she held in her arms.

Tahseen snapped her fingers in front of his face and loudly exclaimed, “Babe! Zuhair!”

“Huh… what, what ?” he mumbled, rubbing his hands over his beard.

“It is three in the morning Zuhair. You can’t possibly stay awake every single time I’m feeding Aaliyah. You’re going to be exhausted. You have work tomorrow, remember?” Tahseen gently reprimanded him.

He looked at her and pouted, “But you get all this mother and daughter time and I feel left out. I only rock her to sleep and..”

Tahseen hid her abrupt giggle with her hand.
As annoyed as she was, her husband looked absolutely adorable at this moment, and she couldn’t help but tease him.
She cupped his chin in her hands, giving him a soft kiss on his lips, “OK. How about nappy duty at night? Think you can manage that?”

Zuhair nodded eagerly and she had to force herself from laughing loudly.
“Well then, go back to sleep because when she wakes up next time, she might need a change, and if you’re too tired, how will I possibly manage?”

Zuhair seemed stricken by this revelation, “That would be so horrible, as a father and a husband. You’re right! I can’t allow that to happen.”

He flopped down on his pillow and literally in the next few seconds he was snoring away.

Tahseen shook her head in mild amusement, her annoyance slowly dissipating, and stroked his hair lovingly.

It was already almost a month of sleepless nights, breastfeeding practically every hour on the hour leaving her feeling tender and sore. There were days when her breasts felt so full, she ached in pain. Tahseen grimaced, and my gosh! The amount of dirty nappies were alarming!
Then there was Zuhair, ever ready to be part of everything.

He took fatherhood hands on, and while she loved it, she also knew that their needed to be a balance.
Both of them couldn’t be exhausted at the same time, not with their baby munchkin needing full time attention.

The sudden panic hit her hard, and Tahseen swallowed thickly, pushing it away. She didn’t want to think about that, not now.

After a deep breath Tahseen lifted the baby cover to peak under, and Aaliyah was wide awake, just as her father was few moments earlier. She looked up at Tahseen, small eyes wide as she hungrily drank her milk, stopping ever so often to stare into her mother’s eyes an coo.

Tahseen smiled sleepily at her daughter and began to hum; and soon both mother and daughter too, were fast asleep.

***

Zuhair came stumbling out of the bathroom, his towel barely hanging on his hips, the water dripping on the floor, creating a puddle.
“She’s crying! Tahseen! Aaliyah is crying!” he shouted out.

Tahseen ran into the bedroom, panicked.
She flew over the bed to the cot only to find… Aaliyah perfectly content, fast asleep.

Tahseen turned to look at Zuhair, her eyes narrowed with her hand on her hips.
“She’s sleeping! Why are you making such a racket?! You’re going to wake her up and disturb her routine!” she whisper yelled.

Zuhair had the grace to look apologetic, “I’m sorry. I swear I could her crying in the shower. I was so sure.”

Tahseen stared at him, her sleep deprived eyes making her see things. Was he naked?
Dripping with water between the ensuite tiles and the carpet…oh was that shampoo still in his hair?
Tahseen groaned irritably , her patience wearing thin, “Zuhair! Why haven’t you washed out your hair! Where are your clothes! Just… Look at the mess!”

Zuhair looked at her with fear in his eyes, not understanding her sudden outburst, but she was so furious, she did not have the energy to explain. Tahseen grabbed another towel from the cupboard, and threw it at him before stalking away.

Tahseen left her breakfast on the table untouched and went outside instead.
She flopped onto the grass and tears began to sting her eyes.

She suddenly felt submerged in endlessly sleepless nights, not having a decent amount of time for herself and now the shower mess and Zuhair...

She sighed, it wasn’t fair to take out her frustration on him, she knew this. They were both so new to this, and Zuhair tried really hard.
He was always willing to assist, even without being asked, but she was so tired, so irritable, her body ached with pain in so many different places, she had no idea how to handle her emotional state.

When she was with Aaliyah and Zuhair she felt happy her heart full but late at night, when Zuhair was asleep and Aaliyah in her cot, Tahseen could feel that dread creeping in slowly.

There were times that looking at Aaliyah caused her so much anxiety, she couldn’t even be around her own sleeping baby. Hearing Aaliyah cry made her want to claw out her eyes, and she’d feel so guilty thinking that way.

Recently, she felt guilty for a lot of things…
Zuhair… the guilt ate at her that she couldn’t stand her husband’s touch.
Every time he held her hand, tried to cuddle or leaned down for a kiss, she’d turn away. And while he was surprised, not once did he force the issue, she should be happy that he’s as understanding as can be, but now it made her want to pick a fight.

Her after birth bleeding was coming to an end and the idea of being intimate with him… panic erupted in her stomach.

She couldn’t do it!

How would she possibly explained to her handsome husband, that while once she desired him, enjoying the hours they’d spent indulging in each other, but now... After giving birth, the very thought of sex terrified her.

She was everywhere between ecstatic and miserable, leaving her feeling completely drained out.
The mere idea of existing made her feel exhausted to live.

Tahseen wondered if motherhood and being a wife got any easier, or if now the responsibility for a little being will take over all else, will she still feel empty and lost?

Will she still feel irrational resentment, without knowing why she felt that way.
The thought slightly terrified her.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Zuhair, holding a tray.

“I’m sorry.” Zuhair and Tahseen said at the same time.
Tahseen looked up at Zuhair and smiled warily.

Zuhair sat down next to her, placing the tray before her. She noticed that he had made a fresh cup of masala tea, her yogurt topped mango, apricots, and cinnamon toasted oats.
He peeked a look at her then cleared his throat, “I bought the fruit yesterday. I saw that you didn’t have a chance to unpack the groceries, it’s ok. I sorted it all out.”

Tahseen was about to reply when he rushed on, “I did some research, and Eric has been giving me tips. Apparently these fruit will be good for your breastfeeding. I thought that you’d enjoy them with your breakfast.”

Tahseen hid a grin, she knew this, Zuhair did everything wholeheartedly.

Her grin faded slowly, her husband was doing everything right, and she just felt utterly useless.
She couldn’t understand why she snapped at him like that.
Sure, he made a mistake but it didn’t warranty for such a burst of anger.
The frustrating thing, is that she knew it.
She knew how ridiculous her reaction was, but the ugly feeling just grew stronger.

Tahseen hoped that with her own inner conflict she did not sabotage her happiness.

Tahseen ate her breakfast in silence, not noticing that Zuhair was staring at her, his eyebrows pulled together with deep concern.