Searching

Chapter 43

Chapter 43
Searching
Katibah Elle


Tahseen slammed the door behind her, turning the lock before she grappled weakly towards the sink.
Turning on the faucet with unsteady hands, she splashed cold water onto her face, fighting for calm.
She needed to get a grip, she couldn’t allow her personal life to affect her job. She was a trained medical professional, and she had already requested Eric to minimize her duties.

Five months since…the loss.

She couldn’t even bring herself to acknowledge her daughters name.
Her world felt dark, the light was suddenly switched off, colours just a faint resemblance of what was.
Tahseen would open her eyes every morning, only to wish she’d cease into existence.
Each day proved to be more difficult, in trying to drudge up the effort to complete basic mundane tasks.
Right now, a parent and child were waiting for her to conclude their consult, but she couldn’t function properly.

Eric had been careful, only giving her adult patients. This one must have slipped through, but just looking at the parent holding their child, brought Tahseen to a nervous emotional mess.

A flicker of anger suddenly sparked, harsh and  jarring… why did her child have to be the one taken from her?
She LOVED her baby, what was so wrong in that?
And almost in the next instant, she deflated as the guilt reared, big and ugly and so forbearing.

Tahseen remembered how frustrated she used to be, how she’d leave her baby to cry for a good few minutes before cradling her. When soothing her own child almost felt like a burden, and all she wanted to do was close her eyes and be left alone.
There were times when she’d look at her baby, sleeping peacefully and all she wanted to do was scream in exasperation , because she felt nothing.

Nothing at all!

The talk of maternal instinct felt foreign to her for a long time. She knew she suffered from a certain level of post natal depression but, could that be the reason her baby died? Could it be that her moments of ungratefulness resulted in her punishment? That her child could sense her inability to connect?

A rap on the door had Tahseen pushing away from the sink, “Give me a minute!” she called.

“You’ve been in there for twenty minutes, your patient is waiting.” Linda reprimanded her.

Tahseen unlocked the door, pulling aggressively at the handle.

Linda just stared at her, “This is Dr Miller’s private bathroom. You can’t just barge in…”

“I know Linda! OK?! I know… but be sure to remember that I do not report to you! I just needed a damn moment to gather myself. Next time I feel a panic attack rising, I’ll just walk half way across the hospital and lock myself in the communal female bathroom instead!” Tahseen lashed out.

Linda looked at her with her mouth agape, but Tahseen did not feel not an ounce of remorse.
She turned on her heel, making her way back to the dreaded patient.

As she rounded the corner, Tahseen stopped abruptly in her tracks.
Eric was by the door, greeting her patient goodbye.
When her turned to look at her, his expression turned furious. He waited until the patient was out of sight before he went to her.
Eric didn’t say a word as he waited for her to follow him to his office.

As the door shut he demanded, “That was unacceptable, and unprofessional. Care to explain yourself?”

He folded his arms, looking directly at her, waiting for her reply.

Tahseen looked anywhere but him, however he waited her out. Eventually she shrugged, “I’m sorry. I needed a breather.”

Eric looked at her incredulously, “A breather? Tahseen that’s what your breaks are for! You can not disappear during a consult!”

Tahseen knew he was right and she didn’t have anything to say, “I’m sorry Eric. It won’t happen again.”

Eric rubbed his eyes tiredly, “Tahseen…this isn’t the first time. Over the past few months you’ve been making many mistakes, and because I understand what you’re going through, I’ve been covering up for you, but… this can’t continue. There were more than three occasions where you issued the incorrect medication. Luckily Linda picked it up and we sorted it out, but these are serious errors. I strongly suggest that you take some time off. You came back to work so quickly after Aaliyah passed on, perhaps that might not have been the best decision.”

Tahseen felt that surge of anger at the mention of her daughter's name and she spat out, “Well Eric… what was I supposed to do? Sit at home and mourn my dead baby, look at my husband’s ghastly grieving face and do what? Carry on living as if nothing ever happened?”

Eric frowned, “No. Life doesn’t continue like normal but…yes, you need to mourn and make peace within yourself. You’re avoiding it with work, and your focus isn’t there. If work was that important to you, why have you neglected the children’s ward?”

Tahseen looked away, her jaw clenching with annoyance, “That’s a personal issue and you know it. It pains me…”

Eric snapped, “Your pain does not define you! I will never begin to imagine the pain you are going through, but you’re wallowing so deep, you’re forgetting that you are still here! Allow yourself to heal Tahseen, without it…you’re going to destroy yourself. You left your therapy sessions during a time you need it the most. Why don't you give Dr Ishrat a call?”

Tahseen pursed her lips and shook her head, “I stopped for a reason! Don't you dare tell me that therapy is what I should be doing! I don’t need this Eric. Not from you. You’re right about work, I’ll take that break and when I feel like I want to come back, I will call Linds. Bye.”
Tahseen let herself out of his office without waiting for a reply.

She drove home in a state of emotional autopilot.
Her body just going the motions that she did everyday, but her mind…it was set on edge.

Without bothering to park the car in the garage, instead she left out in front.
When Tahseen finally walked in the house, she sighed in relief.

Zuhair wasn’t home.

When he was around her, Tahseen could feel the tension pulsate within her. It was agonizing trying to have a conversation with him, needing to be so careful, each word thought out before she could say it… and she knew he watched her.
Almost like he was just waiting for her to break.

Checking the time, she calculated twenty minutes before Zuhair would walk through that door, so she quickly made a beeline for the room that used to be the nursery.

She and Zuhair already packed up and given away all of their daughter’s items, Zuhair even painted over the walls, but Tahseen kept a few baby growers without telling a soul.
She hid the clothes at the back of the cupboard behind some of her medical books, hoping Zuhair wouldn’t find it.

Carefully she pulled out the very first baby grower her daughter had worn, the one that Zuhair gifted her when she was in hospital after the accident.
And just like before, the tips of her  fingers traced over the embroidered words, Baby Hassim Adam.

This had become her daily ritual, and sometimes she’d come in this room more than just once, just to hold onto the memory of what was.
Tahseen lifted the grower to her face and inhaled deeply…it still carried the scent of her little girl.

Tahseen held on for dear life, her legs weak as she dropped to the carpet. But when the first tear escaped from her eyes, she quickly brushed it away.
She didn’t want to ruin the grower, she didn’t want it to lose its distinctive baby smell.

And unbeknown to her, Zuhair watched her everyday through the gap in the door, his heart breaking, that his wife was hiding her grief from him
He knew all along, but he didn’t have the strength to confront her, not when she tried so hard at keeping him away.
Tears gathered in his eyes as he began to understand, that the woman he loved was no longer there, a stranger had taken her place....