Searching

Chapter 44

Searching
Katibah Elle
Chapter 44

Zuhair was awake early one Sunday morning, but there was no way he could lay still in bed.
Sleep had become a major issue for him, and without realizing it; he spent more and more time restlessly staring blankly at the ceiling.

With his wife’s back towards him, he didn’t dare try to reach for her.

Their relationship slowly seeped into a dance of avoidance, skating on thin cold ice.
Every time he had tried to reach out and talk, Tahseen would build walls higher and higher, keeping him away.

Any time he made an attempt to hug her, or kiss her, her body would visibly recoil, and he hated it.

Since she'd stopped working, Tahseen had completely withdraw within herself. She’d spend hours holding onto Aaliyah’s baby growers, her gaze vacant and lost.
She’d refused to eat, just nibbling on the occasional fruits or crackers.

Her clothes were starting to hang off of her shoulders, her full beautiful face now merely a slender resemblance.

Zuhair tried in vain, he would come home from work and cook, ready to feed her with his own hands, but Tahseen would lock herself up in the bathroom until he went away.

When all those attempts failed, he called his mother in law over, with the pretense that her daughter was craving her food.

The poor woman came, happy and ready to spend time with her daughter for the day, but Tahseen immediately made an excuse that she needed to meet a work friend, leaving her mother alone in their house.
Fahmida still cooked her daughter’s favourite meal, leaving a sweet note behind.

But when Tahseen came back home, she had thrown the note in the trash bin and the pot of food remained untouched.

Zuhair didn’t have the heart to tell his mother in law, but thanked her on behalf of Tahseen.

That incident was almost a week ago, and he still couldn’t get through to her.

Zuhair felt the breathing movements of Tahseen next to him, but everything else was so quiet.
Unable to bare the silence any longer, he quietly got out of bed. Making his way outside, the cool morning air giving him a glimmer of resolution.

Their house had become a tomb of mourning, Tahseen completely lost in a reality she created of self condemnation.
Zuhair was right there behind her, but there was only one thing keeping him back from falling off that edge, was his faith.
And as much as he was hurting, he was not willing to give up, especially not when his wife was apart of him.
Anything that caused her hurt; distressed him too, and he would do anything to make it right.

Because if there was one thing Zuhair understood about life, was that you always have a choice to try.
As long as there’s a breath in you, there’s always hope.

Their home needed to change, it needed to be filled with healing and love, and he was determined.
He healed once before and he can do it again, holding his wife’s hand through it.

Motivated, Zuhair jumped in the car, driving to the local super market.
He returned home with bags full of groceries, all of her favorites goodies.

Zuhair had intended on making the same romantic breakfast he had made for Tahseen on their honeymoon. Perhaps it would trigger something within her.

They hardly seemed to spend any time together, and when they were in the same room a hostile presence fell over them.
She would only talk when spoken too, but even then her words were clipped and short.
He knew that he was gradually losing her to a pain that consumed her, and it left him feeling useless. How can you possibly save your loved one from a pain you know only too well?

Zuhair made it to the kitchen, arms bearing the weight of the items he bought, a beautiful bunch of mauve peonies and roses amongst the bags, when he saw suitcases waiting in the living room.
Tahseen stood there, waiting for him.

She looked anywhere, but at him, “I’m going to my mother.”

Zuhair calmly sat down the bags on the kitchen counter, a complete contrast to his rapid heartbeats.

Very slowly he walked towards her, his palms opened in peace, “OK that’s… uh, OK. Let me make us breakfast and then I can drop you off.”

Tahseen shook her head vehemently, “No! I don’t want…. Stop being nice to me, damn it Zuhair! I can’t stand being in this house. I can’t look at your face… it’s too much… And I know I’m not as strong as you, so please keep all that shitty advice to yourself.”

Zuhair’s throat worked in hurt and anger, but he continued to adopt a calm demeanor, “I understand. Let me…”

Tahseen threw her hands up and yelled, “UNDERSTAND? How could you possibly understand? I killed my child. I killed my baby because I didn’t know what to do with her. I didn’t know how to feel, how to love her… I didn’t pray enough and now… that is why she’s dead. And I can barely wake up every morning, remembering her lifeless body. I am so exhausted Zuhair, I am exhausted at the very thought of existing. Because I failed! I failed as a mother, I failed as your wife. You will never begin to understand my torment.”

Zuhair snapped then, unable to stop the simmering frustration from erupting, “I was her father too! Don’t you dare stand there and accuse me of not understanding what you are going through. I lost my baby girl, just like you did! And you want to know what rips me to shreds? Watching you refusing to get help that you need. Pushing me and everyone else away when they want to help you heal. I watch you day in and day out, seethe with anger and pain, blaming yourself for something you had absolutely no control over. In this dire time of need, you simply gave up on prayer and faith. And you want to know what I see? A beautiful and broken soul too afraid to trust, not me. No, you’re afraid to trust Allah. And while I know that everyone’s spiritual journey is their own, it’s killing me knowing that you would rather fall deeper in darkness than fight to heal. Fight for us, fight for the memories of our daughter. I’ve truly tried Tahseen, but… I’ve come to the realization that I can’t help you, if you continuously refuse to help yourself. I’m here for you, I will always be here for you, that is something I will never give up. You’re making a mistake by running away, Tahseen. We were meant to endure all the good and bad together. Mourn together. Please…. Just… Don’t go, Tahseen.”

Tahseen grabbed her bags and pushed passed Zuhair, expressionless, “I don’t have the energy to do it together. I want to be left alone and I think it’s best that we don’t see each other for a while. Maybe we should consider a permanent separation.”

Zuhair grabbed her arm and begged, “Don’t do this Tahseen. Please.”

Tahseen shrugged away his hand and made for the door.
She hesitated for just a moment and Zuhair held his breath, but then she walked away, without turning back.

Zuhair turned around, the panic and rage coursing through him and with an agonizing roar, he swiped all the contents on the kitchen counter to the floor.

The bouquet of roses and peonies fell with the rest, the little petals torn apart, floating to the ground.

And just like that, his heart shattered with heartbreak.