Searching

Chapter 41

Searching
Katibah Elle
Chapter 41

Tahseen sat on the lawn in silence.

After Zuhair took Aaliyah away from her arms, and the flurry of activity thereafter became too much for her to bear, she had decided to escape in the garden.

Hearing her husband talk on the phone and convey the message of her daughters death and calling the Muslim burial committee grated on her nerves, and she knew if she didn’t leave, there was a possibility she would start screaming again.

Tahseen stared at the grass for a long time, unable to process what had just happened.

It seemed unreal, like those strange vivid dreams, the type that makes you question your sense of reality but then, you open your eyes, and you can breathe a sigh of relief.

Except now…her eyes couldn’t close.
Every time she tried, all she saw was Aaliyah, not moving nor breathing.

Tahseen kept her eyes open instead, her thoughts and emotions on a stand still for the moment, almost somewhat slow in its effects, until she noticed an ant with an unusually large load.

Leaning forward she peered closer, and realized it was a piece of fruit from their peach tree.

The ant seemed to struggle, trying to carry the large portion.
After many attempts the ant stopped trying to move forward, and that’s when she realized the little creature might be injured.

Tahseen watched as other ants appeared from the cracks and carried the first ant away.

Is that what it would be like for her? She wondered.

Unable to continue with her injured heart, her husband and parents feeling obliged to carry her through it?

That she would need someone to pick her up?
The idea really infuriated Tahseen.

She couldn’t become a burden, she refused to rely on them, she refused to rely on anyone.

She wouldn’t allow this to happen, not when it was her fault that her child had died.
This was her pain, hers alone and she will figure out a way to deal with it.

Tahseen was startled out of her haze when she heard the cries of her mother.

Turning around, she saw her mother running outside to hug her, and when Tahseen held her mother tightly, her body trembling, her face void of colour, she kept the flood of tears from falling, leaving her red rimmed eyes completely dry.

She swallowed away the urge to weep and patted her mother’s back instead.

Fahmida pulled away quickly wiping away her own tears before she grabbed her daughters face, “Oh my darling girl. It’s the will of Allah. It hurts so much, but it is the plan of Allahانا لله وانا اليه راجعون !”

Tahseen nodded along, but her mother’s words made no sense to her.

Allah’s plan?
This was Allah’s plan?

How could something this gut wrenching be in the plans for her life?

No.
It was her doing.
She knew it, she just didn’t want anyone else to come to know.
What will they possibly think of her?

Shaking away such dark thoughts ,Tahseen looked at her mother and replied, “We should go back inside the house. I want to talk to Zuhair.”

Fahmida squeezed her hand, “Your father is sitting in the lounge with your in laws. Greet them first before you talk to Zuhair, OK my dear...”

Tahseen had no interest of spending anytime with anyone, but she knew she couldn’t be rude, so she didn’t refuse her mother and followed her back in the house.

“Tahseen!” Ayesha Adam exclaimed as she grabbed Tahseen in her hug.

She didn’t say a word, no condolences, no words of courage, but she held onto Tahseen as if that was all she could manage to give.
And when she pulled away, Tahseen looked up, and the expression in her mother in laws eyes ruined her from the inside, out.

She knew.

She knew exactly what Tahseen felt, losing a child of her own, and Tahseen was not ready to see the depthless grief that mirrored her own.

Tahseen blinked and looked away hastily, not wanting to get lost in the abyss of aching misery, and it was then when she caught sight of it.

The gifts.
The prettily wrapped gifts that were supposed to be given to Aaliyah.

She stumbled towards the boxes and bags, and grabbed as many as she could.

Her father came up behind her, pulling her away, but Tahseen shook jee arm from his grasp, “What is this doing here? We should throw it away. We don’t need it now. Get it out of my house. Get it out… Get it out!”

Tahseen flung the boxes across the room, breathing heavily and then she demanded, “Where is Zuhair? I want to talk to him right now.”

“I’m right here my love. How about we talk in the bedroom, while Eric and our parents sort out the gi... I mean the rest of the house?” Zuhair murmured softly and he grabbed hold of her shoulders.

Steering her away, Tahseen avoided looking at their family.
She couldn’t lift her head up at them, because if they looked in her eyes, they would know, they would realize that she was the cause of all of this.

She allowed herself to move along with Zuhair, and when they were finally alone, she threw herself at him, holding on for dear life.

Zuhair wrapped his arms around her and she pulled in a deep breath, “Are you taking her now? For the ghusl?”

Zuhair hummed in the affirmative.

With a sigh, she detangled herself out of their embrace and confessed, “I can’t do it Zuhair, I can’t see her body being washed. Can I just stay home?”

“It’s OK, you don’t have to go. I will be going and your mother wants to come with. Kaju Khala will be here with you. We’re waiting on the committee to send out the message…”

“No!”  Tahseen interrupted, “I don’t want a message circling around about my daughter! Please… I just want only family to be here.”

Zuhair took her hand in his, “Anything you want. I have to go now. I’ll be back…”

Kaju Khala knocked on the door, standing outside the room, "Asalm, Zuhair they're waiting for you."

“Come on in.” Zuhair called out, stepping away from Tahseen to grab his Jubah.

As Tahseens aunt walked in the room, Zuhair turned around to look at Tahseen one last time before heading out.

She turned around and walked to her closet, grabbing her towel and toiletries, “I’m going to…shower… excuse me."

“I’ll wait here for you.” Kaju Khala softly replied behind her.

Tahseen went into the bathroom and locked the door behind her.
She couldn’t wait for a second longer and quickly turned on the shower full blast, before stepping inside.

Her hair was still damp from her previous shower, but she didn’t care.
With her clothes still on, she stood under the steaming water, holding up the towel to her mouth and she screamed and cried, the sound muffled while the water mixed with her heartbroken tears.

The loss of a child was a pain like no other.