Searching

Chapter 46

Searching
Katibah Elle
Chapter 46

As Tahseen’s bedroom door shut behind him, Zuhair hastily took the stairs two at a time.
He needed to get out of her parents home, his sternum tight with apprehension.

Was he out of his mind?
Was he actually going to agree with his wife?
He so very calmly told her, if that was what she wanted, he was going to give it to her.

A divorce!

Zuhair was so far from calm, he felt his pounding head ready to explode.
How could he have walked away after saying something that?
Words that held such weight?

Frantically looking for either of her parents to greet before he left, he found his mother in law in the kitchen.

Fahmida smiled at up him, handing him a bag packed with Tupperware’s,“ Ah! I already knew you wouldn’t want to wait for dessert. I can just see the stress on your face! I have packed for you some food for tomorrow, and your dessert for later. Now don’t work too hard Mr son in law, can’t have you passing out.”

Zuhair swallowed thickly, touched by her gesture, but for the life of him, he didn’t know how to respond, “ I uhh that’s very…nice I enjoyed the..”

Fahmida winked, “Anytime. You better get going, I don’t want you driving when it’s dark.”
Zuhair nodded with a weak smile and waved a goodbye.

As he got into his car, he closed his eyes as the hollowness consumed him, the gravity of the situation dawning upon him.

He was emotionally drained, weakened by the very real possibility of losing her.
And exactly like the statement Tahseen had uttered earlier, he couldn’t drive home.
It wasn’t possible with this heartache to set foot into their house.

Not like this, not apart and breaking…

In that moment he made a decision, he couldn’t possibly return home.
He needed to think, he needed to be away from everything and everyone.

And there was only one place that he could escape to, the only place that will force him to put all possibilities in perspective.

The Adam family lake house.

Arriving at the place that he had avoided for so many years, he barely took in the beauty of the lake beneath, not at all mesmerized by the shimmer of the clear water.

Instead Zuhair’s hands practically shook, walking up those steps, leading to the front door.
He was terrified, as if there were blood stains on the doorknob.
Pulling the door open, his feet crunched against the fallen leaves that had dried to an amber brown, and he could see the faint layer of dust that settled around the furniture.

Almost as it were yesterday, the indistinct laughter of his sister Aaliyah, could be heard and in the very same pulsation, the sweet gurgle of his own daughter floated with the wind.
Zuhair stood there, amidst the warfare within his soul and closed his eyes.

It was time he put all this turmoil to rest.

Switching off mentally, he spend the rest of the day cleaning the inside of the cabin, sweeping and wiping away, trying to rid the place of the many years of neglect, putting all his effort and focus into doing something.
He wasn’t surprised that neither of his parents visited the place any longer, it held the fateful memory of losing their daughter, a pain now that Zuhair could relate to only too well.

Once Zuhair was satisfied at the shine of the mahogany wood furniture in the upstairs bedroom, he went out to the balcony.

The cool evening air was welcomed after all that tedious work.
Zuhair needed to rest and the quiet of the night was exactly what he was looking for.
He took his place on the once wrought iron Adirondack chair, now rusted.
It used to be his favourite seating place, as it gave him the perfect view of the lake.
And on those quiet early morning, just after praying Fajr Salah, Zuhair could easily see the reflection of the sunrise rippling along the surface of the water.

Right now, Zuhair stared in the distance, it was dark and the only indication of the lake, were the streaks of silver lapping over the surface.
It seemed as if the blackness of the night mirrored the state of his mind.

Divorce.

Such a distasteful explanation for an end of a marriage.
And their marriage had been something beautiful and wonderful, for it to end with those words, it didn’t make any sense.
He loved Tahseen, the type of love that could never easily diminish, the type of love that burned so fierce and so true, that the very idea of separation, left him feeling sick to the stomach.
But now, with all that had taken place, he had to come to terms with the possibility that their marriage can end.

Should Tahseen choose the divorce, Zuhair will accept it for what it is.
He will have to learn to adjust to a different life, and while he could never imagine marrying another, perhaps he could relocate to another country, focus more on his personal spiritual journey.
It would break his heart, but there was nothing worse that being with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.

If she chooses to stay, then undoubtedly he’d have to be prepared for a very different beginning in their relationship.
It would need a lot of work, from both of them; to find a common ground to build on.

Being together would mean honest and open communication, patience and sensitivity in coming to terms with the tragedy and finding comfort in the smaller things of each other.
Most importantly, it wasn’t going to be easy, either way ; with or without Tahseen.
He was merely a human being and he didn’t hold any power to force Tahseen to continue with their marriage.
The future, his future with Tahseen…there was nothing he could physically do, that would be able to control the situation towards his desire, however there was this one miraculous action.

The one thing he had the fullest belief that would result in the best outcome: praying in supplication.
It didn’t matter what materialised, or when, what mattered was that the conviction remained within him and  despite the pain, and the loss, there was always the security of Al Mu’min.

If life was meant for him to be without Tahseen, then he will accept it.
The same way he accepted Aaliyah falling to her death was not his fault, there was no way he could have stopped it, the same way he accepted his daughter’s death, even though it ripped through their lives.

Those that have died, are no longer apart of this world and all Zuhair could do was love their memories but with Tahseen, she was still here, breathing and living.
While Zuhair had made up his mind in acceptance of the possibility of their lives apart, in no way it meant that he was going to give up.

Giving up on Tahseen was never an option, but giving her the choice was important for her healing.

With a deep sigh, Zuhair hung his head.
The fatigue of the physical labour, along with his emotional collapse, he couldn’t stop his eyes from drifting close, just a moment to prepare before the battle.

The words were not uttered but his aching heart had a plea, for the creator of hearts to soften the heart of the one he loved.