The Break (An Eddie Munson Story)

Chapter 11: But Lovers Do

A/N: Hm, I'm not sure about this chapter, dear readers. I've rewritten and rewritten it but I'm not sure if it works with the story progression. What do you think? Are you enjoying the story so far? Is it too out of character?

This is a serious content warning for this chapter. There is a graphic depiction of a panic attack. So if this kind of content is triggering to you, please proceed with caution.

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Your words sat heavy in the atmosphere, adding to the thickening tension, that became more and more oppressive, the longer Eddie failed to respond. He licked his chapped lips, with the tip of his tongue, unsure how to reply to your question, drawing your attention to his mouth. The flicker of your gaze had his cheeks warming to a rosy hue.

You were so close now, that he could simply lean forward and answer you with a kiss but you likely were in need of verbal confirmation, which was proving to be more difficult. Eddie Munson was known as many things- a freak, a loser, an loud mouth but never shy. No one ever equated the definitions of timid or speechless with the brunet, yet there he was, completely at a loss of how to reply. In the heat of the moment, the words had flowed from his lips with ease but asked on the spot and suddenly, he was mute.
The longer you waited, the more you had lost hope. Doubting the validity of his confession, you had assumed he had lied about his feelings to keep you in town and in fact, had never loved you. Not that you blamed him. You coukd feel the familiar scratching in the back of your mind, as the bad thoughts crawled towards the forefront of your thoughts. Despite your best attempts to block them out, you had heard them clear as day. How could anyone ever possibly love anyone as pathetic as you?

You could hear the echoing of multiple arguments- so many that you had lost count- all involving your parents and their venom-laced words of how you were unlovable, unlikeable and quite simply, not good enough for anyone to waste time on. In the past, you had usually fled your home after hearing those words and found solace in Eddie but maybe your parents had been right and finally, your worst fear had been actualized and he too had come to the conclusion that, you were a pathetic, repulsive creature.

This was just the beginning of an endless spiral down into a never-ending pit of self-loathing and you really did not want to be around anyone when it fully took ahold of you. It was not a pretty sight to see and the initial stages of panic were already settled into your body. Your hands had begun to slightly tremble, as you struggled to keep your emotions in check. Any moment, the breathing difficulties would start and then you would be completely lost to your full blown hysteria. At that point, you would just have to find a space to curl up into and wait until the worst had passed, which in your experience, would take its time to pass.

"You know what," you finally spoke up, voice strained and tight with forced control. "forget I said anything. It was stupid of me to ask." your plan had been to hastily wish him goodnight and then take sanctuary in the bathroom until the crescendo of your panic attack was over but much to your surprise, you felt his warm touch wrap around your wrist.

"Y/N, I-" he started, fully intending to explain his earlier words and future fears but the reasoning died on his lips, as he felt you quake beneath his fingertips. "You're shaking." it was less of a question and more of a statement, as his brows knitted together in confusion. In the glow of the television screen, his gaze raked over your rapidly risingand falling chest, darting upwards to take note of your flushed cheeks and sweat-beaded forehead. "Wait, are you...are you having a panic attack right now?" he had seen the signs before. Hell, he had experienced the sensation of intense panic himself, during particularly bad trips.

You nodded, reserving oxygen for laboured breathing only.

"Fuck." Eddie cursed, mind racing as he struggled to recall what to do in the event of a panic attack. "Robin's going to kill me. I'm supposed to be taking care of you. Fuck. What do you need?"

You do your best to nod at the bathroom.

"Okay, right. Yeah, I can, um, I can get you there. Come on." he carefully helped you stand, guiding you slowly towards the small space, one arm firmly wrapped around your waist, in attempt to keep you upright. "That's it. One step at a time. You're doing great. Almost there."

It was an unsteady journey to the small space, where Eddie had promptly sat you down on the closed toilet seat. In your parents house, you had crawled into the bath tub on more occasions than you had fingers. They had started occurring more frequently, which was one of the reasons you had pulled away from the brunet, not wanting to see you in such a state but all pride was lost to your blind need to intake as much air into your aching lungs.

"Hey, hey, eyes on me, Y/L/N." Eddie coaxed you into focusing less on your swivet, as he knelt before you, knees protesting against the bite of the cold tiles. "In for four and out for foyr, right? Breathe with me. Okay, in...one...two...three...four..." his gentle commands were met with a half-hearted attempt, that dissolved into a wracking sob and pouring of tears. "It's okay, it's okay." he cooed, clumsily wiping your tears, mindful not to snag you with his rings. "You got this. Let's try again."

And so you had, again and again, with each time getting a little easier to follow the breathing pattern. Any time your gaze or thoughts had wandered, the brunet had carefully grounded you back to reality, reminding you to concentrate on him. There had been more slip ups but not once did he scold you, only encourage you with words of reassurance. You were almost starting to believe that you were doing well.

Eventually your breathing was back to normal and any hint of a panic attack had dispersed, leaving you both feeling drained and grateful that the worst was over.

His head fell to rest on your thigh, crown of hair tickling you, as he eventually shifted to meet your gaze. Those puppy dog, brown eyes that never failed to melt your heart, looked up at you, full of remorse. "Let's, uh, let's never do that again, yeah?"

You agreed, as he returned his foreheard to your legs, warm breath upon your skin. Tentatively, you reached forward to run your fingers through his knotted curls, taking care to gently card your fingers through his insanely soft locks. The tension in his shoulders slowly dissipated, as he rested further into your ministrations.

You had felt the biting cold of his rings, as they dug into your skin, as his hands clasped your waist and thumb brush circles into the material of his metallica t-shirt. It was a soothing sensation, grounding and for a brief moment, you were both at peace, never wanting this moment to end.

"I did mean it." he whispered, the tone soft, unsure of himself. Eddie could not bring himself to look at you, as he continued to speak. "I..." his shakily exhaled, nerves at an all time high. "I love you. I love you so fucking much, Y/N. It hurts so much. I have for a long time but," you heart dropped into the pit of your stomach. You knew it was all too good to be true. "I'm terrified of fucking everything up and making things worse for you. You're already dealing with so much, I don't want to add to your stress." you gasped as his grip on your waist tightened, your hand flying from his hair, to rest on top of his hand, your fingers lacing with his, as Eddie pulled away from you, his face now level with yours. His expression was pained, regretful and without hesitating, you used your free arm to pull him into a tight embrace.

"I love you so much." he wept into your shoulder, your clutched hands pressed tightly against his chest between your entwined bodies.

Your own eyes had grown damp with unshed tears, you hated to hear him cry on your behalf, hated to be the reason for his distress. "I'm sorry." you apologised, the sound strangled and bitter on your tongue.

In his moment of weakness, Eddie had felt is resolve weaken, as he placed a kiss the column of your neck, before he nuzzled the heated skin. With a shake of his head, he had murmured, "I really need you to start loving yourself too."