TO BE ALONE: a series of måneskin oneshots

choosing demons and diamonds // a drabble (d.d.)

TW: alcoholism

We had written that lyric late at night. Him and I were tucked in a corner of the fire escape together. It was cold, but the warmth from the burning cigarette between us was enough of a distraction.

We had to get this song finished, it was the last for the album. I would scribble some lyrics over a drag of the cigarette, then I'd pass the cigarette and the pen over to Damiano, let him read, revise and write his own lyrics until we had some semblance of a song we both liked.

Falling into a theme of being young, carefree, and vulnerable about the fact that we were still learning, Dami and I both fell in love with the only collaborative lyric in the song.

"Choose what really matters. Choose love or diamonds, demons or saints."

As we both played with the wording, bouncing ideas back and forth off of each other, my mind began to wander.

I'd known Damiano my whole life, and I wondered if he knew all of the times I had chosen demons and diamonds -- and how many of those times that he thought I'd chosen the opposite.

I chose diamonds once on tour when a security guard said he'd pay me for a kiss behind the stage. We were playing a small outdoor festival, one of our first as a full band, and we were broke as hell. So I yanked the guy behind the stage and kissed him with all the energy I could spare without draining myself before the performance.

Nobody saw the kiss, but I don't count it as a real kiss. It didn't even matter in the grand scheme of things. I wasn't dating Damiano yet, and the $50 I made bought the band some mock ups for our first ever line of merchandise.

I told the boys that I made the money from selling old clothes. How different are kisses from old clothes, afterall?

I chose, and continue to chose, demons every time I hear anything bad. Most recently, when Ethan was sidelined due to a tendonitis flare up, forcing us to cancel our show, I did what any unstable rockstar would do, and I drank. A lot.

I wasn't upset about the show cancelation, hell we could have all used the break. I was more worried about Ethan. I tend to look at things in the grand picture of life. What if this tendonitis flare is the first of many? What if he eventually can't play anymore? What if that happens sooner than we think? What will happen to the band?

At times like this, I drown my worries in drinks, something that I'm unsure if the band knows. I don't remember much of that night besides waking up on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night to see Damiano sleeping beside me against the wall.

I always felt bad about it every time he had to take care of me.

~~~~~

WORD COUNT
499