"O come, O come, Emmanuel." Is all I hear as I zone out from the in tune singing of the choir. I always thought that the Christians that I have experienced gave off a fake vibe. Each week I come to church and I feel out of place. Everyone seems to be all loving and act as if they care about you, when later that same day they go home and gossip about you.
It's hypocritical and fake.
I wonder if they come to church for the right reasons to be honest. I think because of this, I am the way I am and I just need someone to bring me back to light. In my case though, I had no one.
Not even God.
I know it's hard for me to say, but how can I sit in a church and pretend all the time. My parents forced me every week and made coming to church seem like an entire chore and when I state that I don't want to go, they basically go into prayer mode.
They tell me that I am disappointing God and that I should want to go to church or I am a disgrace. I am just trying to find my way in this stupid worldly world and yet I can't.
Everything feels like an entire routine. Nothing new is happening in my life and because of my parents being so strict I can't do anything about it.
I want to love God, but I feel so far away from Him to the point where I feel like I don't need Him at all.
I don't want it to be a chore neither a routine, I want to do it on my accord, but I am not even making an effort and even I know that.
I just need someone or something, to remind me about my love that I used to hold deeply with God.
I was broken out my trance when I felt a slight nudge to my shoulder that made me look up at the culprit. I noticed that the usher had the baggy in front of me to drop my offering inside. I shook my head no referring to me not bringing any money and she had sighed and walked away.
I was told that bringing your offering to church was a good way of giving your blessing to God.
How can I be blessing God when I was the one who needed the blessing?
I know I sound extremely selfish, but I am being honest with how I feel. I always sat at the very back of the church patiently waiting for church to end. I couldn't wait to get to my grandmother's house for her home cooked meals.
I believe that was probably one of the only things I was looking forward to on a Saturday. You may wonder what made me become so bitter to not only God, but myself?
If I am being honest, it would probably be the fact that I was in a relationship that tore me down to shreds. It was like a gum at the bottom of your shoe that won't come off. I was in a sadistic, manipulative and abusive relationship. I felt like God was not there for me at all.
I continue to hear the saying "God gives the hardest battles to his strongest soldiers" but when will He realize that I am not one of them. I can only take so much and I feel like I have taken quite enough.
