Gone 2 Long (Number Five)

Kugelblitz

We walked all the way to the building in the freezing cold and walked in the open/broken door and Lila was still laughing! God no wonder she was in a psych ward. We looked around at the trashed place. "Holy shit. I was just here. How long was I bloody gone?" She exclaimed. "It seems the grandfather paradox is affecting everything. Even places out of time." "Is that possible?" She asked him. "I stopped tracking what was possible a long time ago."

We went to walk forward when the roof caved in. We all backed up quickly. "We better get moving. I'll check the Infinite Switchboard. Scar you come with me." I nodded. "And I'll check Herb's office. Little cockroach would survive anything." Me and Five began walking up the stairs. "Bye." We heard her call. "See ya." Five answered. "Miss you." She called back. "That's weird." He simply replied. I snickered a little at the interaction.

Five led us to the Infinite Switchboard and it was all empty and dark. Not a soul in sight as we looked around. We saw one last semi-working screen. We went to it and Five wiped the screen. He went to turn it on. "Okay. That's good." He got the video working and Herb popped on screen.

"There's been a rip in the space-time continuum. It's swallowing everything. Oh, my sweet Dot, Iris, Josh from accounting, they're all gone." Five messed with it a little more. "I've tried everything! I don't know what else to do. The timeline is collapsing. Ah! Oh. This is...the end. AHHHHHHH!" We then saw Herb disappear.

Suddenly Lila walked in. "I could kill for some scrambled eggs right now." "This is bigger than the timeline, Lila." "What's bigger than the timeline?" "The entire universe. The missing dogs, people...it's the opposite of the big bang. Instead of the universe expanding, it's now collapsing in on itself." "Like a prolapsing rectum." "That's a weird analogy, but yeah." "I would expect nothing less from you." I told her.

"Here, then. This might give us some answers." She handed him a book. "Master handbook." "The one and only." He flipped through it while Lila played with pencils. "Here we are. Okay, protocol. In the unlikely case of the grandfather paradox, the founder and any essential personnel should-" Lila walked over and read, "...be immediately remanded to the operations bunker. The founder. What founder?" Lila asked. "I don't know." Five replied. Then more of the ceiling collapsed.

Five then said, "We need to find that bunker..." "ASAP." We all said in unison. "Jinx." Me and Lila said. "Double jinx. You owe me a soda." I told her smirking. She groaned. As we began to walk out to find the bunker Lila turned to Five. "A-B-C-1-2-3, personal padlock." "Can you not-" Five began before she interrupted. "You can't speak!" "She's right it's the rules." I told him. He just rolled his eyes.

As we walked Five ignored the jinx and read the manual and ranted about it. "This is just like a bunch of bureaucratic bullshit. There's no clear directives in here about crisis management. You know I shouldn't even be here. I was...I was out. I was done, and yet here I am, swept back into the chaos. Why can't I just escape this hellhole?" Five asked itching his head. "Because you love it." Lila told him. He farted in response. He turned around to look at us, "My bad." He said shrugging and continuing to walk.

"Face it Five, apocalypse problems are the only things that get your heart pumping other than Earth girl over here." I just shrugged. "I don't know why people keep saying that. I don't actually like chaos. I don't want disorder. I...I want retirement." Lila just laughed. "Yeah, right. What? A normal life of groceries, taxes, and the occasional shag with her? You would die of boredom." "Sex with me is not boring Lila but you are always welcome to test the waters." I grinned. Five looked at me again suspiciously. "Okay...confession. Me and Beverly may have gotten a little hot and heavy but to be fair I was kinda mad you abandoned me again so I called it revenge sex. I only have some regrets." He sighed. "I guess that's fair." I nodded.

Five opened a door. "But ya know Lila, you're not exactly cut out for domestic bliss either." He told her walking in. "Course I'm bloody not. Thank God!" We walked around searching in dark hallways as Lila continued. "I mean, maybe it's a tone thing? I don't know, but you could really work on, like, the way you speak. It's very...it's irritating. I'm just saying it's something you can work on, you know? For the future."

Five only smiled. "Why you smiling, you little pisspot?" "Cause of that." He pointed straight ahead and there it was, the operations bunker. "Well, you could have led with that." Lila said as we all went to walk in.

Five pushed the door aside as Lila rudely scooted past us. "Exsqueeze me." "You're excused." Five sarcastically replied. "Operations bunker." Lila said while going to investigate/try to get in. An alarm buzzed. "We're screwed." Lila said as we heard the speaker say, "Unauthorized access."

"Oh shit." Five said while sweating and itching. I grew suspicious as it was oddly familiar. "Jesus. You're sweating like a dodgy shrimp on ice. What's wrong?" Lila asked. He only farted. That's it he has paradox psychosis! But why? Five walked up to the door and let it scan him. It chimed and said, "Access granted." And the door unlocked. "I guess you're essential personnel." Lila told him as the door opened and we walked in.

"Wow." Lila said. "Ditto." I replied looking around with her. We found the founder on a ventilator. It was a sad sight honestly. "That's him, huh? The founder." Five said beginning to walk towards us. "Looks like tinned beef. I was expecting more man and less..." She banged on the metal. "...can."

Five finally made his way over to us. "It can't be." "What's wrong?" We asked him. He looked like he has seen a ghost. "It's me." Lila just laughed. "No way. So this whole time you've been complaining about the Commission, and you're the one who founded it. Classic." "If I did, I have no memory of it." "Of course you don't this version of you is clearly way older than the version we met in '63 so you just haven't done it yet. So it's not a matter of did it's a matter of do." I explained. "So here I was thinking you were a maverick, but you're a company man, down to the bone. I mean, you...*laugh*. You literally cannot breathe without this place." She laughed some more.

"Something's not right. I don't have paradox psychosis. I could feel it outside, but in here, it's...nothing." "I knew I recognized the symptoms!" I told him. "Never were to bright, were we?" The founder Five rasped out. "The operations bunker is paradox-proof. I constructed it as a panic room in case of a collapse in the time continuum. In this room, all permutations of yourself can exits. You must be here because of a...Kugelblitz."

"Is that like a cheese blintz?" Lila asked. "I know it's probably not but it would be awesome if it was." I whined. "It's German for ball of lightning. It's an extra kinky kind of black hole." Five explained. "The kind that can suck up entire timelines." Lila realized. "Bingo." Founder Five said. "So, how do we fix it?" Five asked him. He just laughed causing him to cough. "You don't."

"If you created all of this, then you must have created a solution." He just wheezed in response. "All that will be left is...oblivion." "Oblivion? What do you mean?" Lila asked him. Suddenly the his body rolled out of the ventilator. "This is what you have coming." He had a tattoo and was missing half of his left arm. "Listen to me, you ass. I just spent the last 20 days running around saving the world from apocalypses, only to keep trying to save the world. Now I am stuck in this pubescent body, my hormones are raging, and all I wanna do is go out and buy a 1970s Corvette Stingray and do her in it." He said pointing to me. My eyes widened as I felt my face get warm. "Take it easy on him, Five." Lila told him.

"Lila, this is between me and myself, so stay out of it. Thank you." I hit him with a snowball. "Watch it." I warned. He sighed. "Now, this Kugelblitz, it is not some tiny leak that we can simply fix by patching a couple of pinholes. It is a giant trash compactor which is grinding up the universe and consuming it whole. So tell me how you stop it!" "Whatever you do...don't save the world." His heart monitor began to beep so I grabbed his hand for support. "What do you mean, don't save-Five!" He yelled. I continued to hold founder Fives hand as the machines stopped. He needed someone there for him before death and who better than me right.

"How do I fix this?" Lila pressed her fingers to his neck. "He's dead, Five." Five looked like he was grieving. "Can I have the room?" "Er...I don't think I should leave you two alone." "Lila, I need the room." He strained. She began to walk out. "You too Scar, please." I nodded and grabbed his face and gave him a kiss trying to covey as much emotion as I could through it before walking out to join Lila.

We just stood out there awkwardly and waited for Five. When he finally emerged he had us search for a working briefcase and when we finally found one,

we went back to the hotel...