𝗨𝗚𝗟𝗬 // 𝗦𝘁𝗲𝘃𝗲 𝗛𝗮𝗿𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘁𝗼𝗻

001

One week before summer break in 1984, my mom dropped me to my therapy session at 1:00pm sharp every Saturday, today was no different. I tried to be cheerful as I waltzed in, giving the ladies working at the front desk an awkward wave, I knew them quite well by now and they knew exactly what I was like.

I waited a couple minutes for Miss Cook to come out, today she wore a yellow dress that complimented her dark skin tone and long locks shaded slightly pink.
I sat down in the same brown couch in the corner of the room as she sat across in a plush blue seat that looked incredibly uncomfortable but she made do like always.

The walls were white and bricked, creating the appearance of a prison cell, or solitary confinement, either or perfectly describing the feeling you get after being here long enough.

"So how was your week Ruby?"

"It was good this week!" I was excited, this week had been the best in a while.
"Good, good, why's that?" She opened up her notebook, which always caused a little shoot of anxiety through my heart. "Well it's a week till summer break so I've been planning what me and Robin can do in our spare time."

I loved organising events, it was my thing. Usually they were small because of the 'only having one friend' thing but this summer I wanted me and Robin to go get ice cream at the new place in the mall, yeh I know not quite the event but trust me when it comes to Robin's time management, this still needed organising.

"That's fun, do tell."
I smiled brightly, leaning forward as I talked with my hands, "so there's this new ice cream place in the mall that's opening up, scoops ahoy, anyways I heard the ice cream is amazing so-" I realised I had been rambling and awkwardly coughed before whispering, "I uh.. wanted to go there."

Me and Robin had been best friends since middle school, Barb was with us too but sometime around High School.. we stopped talking as much.
Then she disappeared and I became.. not so cheery anymore, it was rare that I was as outwardly excited as I was now but after Barbs death.. me and Robin found this stupid summer bucket list we made with Barb in middle school. Every summer we've tried to do at least two things from the list, and getting ice cream together was tenth down.

Barbs death was also one of the reasons why my mum started me in therapy. But to be honest I know I needed it for many reasons. Miss Cook thinks it'll help boost my self esteem issues, which I know I have, of course I know, but no matter how hard I try they won't leave.

"Scoops ahoy, sounds fun, any other news?"

My smile fell as I remembered something, "a uh.. an old teacher at my school died.." Miss Cook leaned forward and gave me a sympathetic smile as I suddenly felt guilty for my before happiness, like I had forgotten to grieve.

"He was nice.. I liked him, despite not knowing him well before he left the school."
My therapist opened her notebook and started to write, wide eyes looking at my lowered head, "so why has this effected you? Of course it's upsetting but if you didn't know this man well.."

She trailed off as I picked my now slightly bleeding skin, but it wasn't painful, it was sort of nice. "It reminded me of Barb.."
"I see."

Barbs death taught me a lot of things, firstly that people like me, don't survive Hawkins, whether figuratively or literally. Barb was like me, a huge nerd who slept with her nightlight on at 17 (oddly specific but you get my point.)
Secondly, it taught me that even if someone like me doesn't survive, no one will remember.

It was like everyone forgot Barb's death so fast and I was stuck frozen in the time my mother informed me of the news of her disappearance.
Thats right. Disappearance.
She'd been declared missing before Hawkins Lab came out saying they were involved in her death, for how I don't know.

"And this brings up bad memories?" She was right on the money like always.

"I think the bad memories are always there."

"And what did I say to do when you get bad memories?" She leant forward and gave me that same look she always did when I got sad, "to play music on my Walkman I know.."

When Barb went away, I started listening to music a lot more, I threw myself into it actually, anything to block out the anxieties of who would be next. Sadly, a lot of people were next.
Bob Newby was a kind man, a man who deserved more than just being a title on a news paper, the news of his death shouldn't of been so delayed, but of course it was.
People in Hawkins don't care about people like Bob or Barb.. or me.

"Cyndi Lauper right?"
I smiled at Miss Cooks attempts to make me feel better, she knew I loved Cyndi Lauper, Bowie.. anyone who's music made me feel alive.
"Or was Madonna your favourite?"

And then there was Madonna.
Her songs, they made me feel special in some way, they moved me, but more importantly she moved me. She saw the beauty in femininity and portrayed it through her sound. So whenever I felt down, Madonna is who I turned to.

"Ruby the world is a cruel place," Miss Cook started, "but the one thing that can help you through it is the people around you."
The people around me.. the only people that hadn't left my side were Robin and my Mom, and the latter was barely getting through herself, but maybe that was my fault, maybe I should've talked to people more.

Every school year I said I would branch out, and every school year I ended up being too afraid.
I was in three clubs.
Three.
But I barely talked in any of them, I found myself shaking at the thought, instead I just went about my business and only talked when spoken to.

No.
What I needed to have the best summer was to complete that bucket list, and I'll be damned if something gets in my way.