𝗨𝗚𝗟𝗬 // 𝗦𝘁𝗲𝘃𝗲 𝗛𝗮𝗿𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘁𝗼𝗻

003

"So how's your summer been since we last spoke?"

I shuffled in my chair, picking the skin off of my fingers, "I don't know.. it's.. been?" I was stuttering and felt extremely awkward, so no change there.

"How's Robin? Have you been hanging out with her?" My therapist gave me a smile at the mention of my best friend, knowing I usually had something fun to say about me and Robin's adventures, but not this time.

"Yeh I mean we're fine- I haven't seen her in a while but.. we're okay."

"Why's that?" Of course she questioned me.

"What?" I asked, honestly a little shocked to hear her ask, despite the inevitability.

"What haven't you seen her in a while?" My shrink pulled out her notebook, always a good sign.

"Oh I uh.. she got a job.. at the new mall. Scoops ahoy!" I faked a fun happiness as I spoke the company name. In fairness I was excited for Robin, she always wanted to save up money for a Europe trip but at the same time..

"Why can't go visit her during breaks?"

"I could!" I confirmed, but she knew I was bluffing.

"I'm sensing there's a but here."

"But I uh.." I was back to picking my skin, blood threatening to escape my thumb.

"Something stopping you."

"She um.. she works with Steve Harrington." I hung my head low, embarrassed to bring up his name.

"Steve Harrington.. why do I recognise that name.." she flicked through my old files from the years before, stopping at an entry.
"He was the boy that picked on you a year back?"

"I wouldn't call it picking on me but- I guess he wasn't very nice no.. Robin keeps talking about how much he's changed, how he's a really good guy now,"
Since last week when I visited her at work, she seemed to notice how awkward I got whenever she mentioned him so.. Robin tried convincing me he wasn't the same guy as he was in high school. I nodded and pretended to believe her despite feeling like something inside of me was stopping myself from thinking he could change.

I paused to sigh, "they're like best friends now.."

I hadn't visited Robin since that first time, it had been a week and that meant I hadn't seen her either. She'd ring my house up via the landline and we'd chat, (despite the distain of my mother who doesn't want to spend too much money,) Robin would tell me to come down but I'd always find an excuse not to.

"And you feel left out," my therapist said matter of factly.
"No.. yes.. it's just i guess I'm more angry.."
God I felt so guilty, I was never angry and yet here i was, angry over something so small.

"Angry?" She questioned,
"Angry at the world.. angry that there's a possibility that Steve Harrington could be a good guy.."

"Robin said he had changed, maybe she's right," she leaned forward and leant her chin on her hand, elbow propped up on her leg, "why is this comment he made still effecting you?"

Ah. The comment.

"It's just.. I don't know.. Steve Harrington is the king of Hawkins high. And everyone worships him.. I even worshiped him in a way."

"So you liked him?"

"No- not- not really? More I acknowledged that he was cool and that his opinion apparently mattered.. his hair did help though I guess," I chuckled awkwardly, "but uh.. the comment he made.."
I fiddled with my fingers, "when you hear someone- anyone, confirm your deepest insecurities it really hurts - not to mention I was going through a shitty time then."

"With Barbs disappearance."

"With.. barbs disappearance," I confirmed before continuing, "when he.. called me ugly it stuck you know? The feeling of dread as my cheeks went red in embarrassment and everyone around me laughed."

The older woman looked up at me from her notebook, "I already didn't like myself but uh.. after that looking in the mirror made me want to throw up."
Admitting these things was hard, but my mom said talking to Miss Cook openly would help me. She always said that.

"But we're working on that, that's why we're here."

"I know! I know.. I-I guess Robin working with him just brought up all these memories, reminded me of what happened and- and how mean.."
I hated the way I cared so much, but what's worse is I hated how I was judging Steve, but there was just this feeling in my chest that couldn't help it.

"Does Robin know what Steve said?"

I remembered the day so clearly.
Tommy was teasing Steve in class saying he would flirt with any girl, no matter who, and suddenly my name came up.
I kept my head down all the time, I never talked, never raised my hand, even if I knew the answer.. I tried so hard not to be a target.
But it didn't work.

"You'd even flirt with Ruby White." The way Tommy spoke, it was as if I was the last girl anyone would ever want, and it stung, but what came next burnt me.

"Come on man my standards aren't that low," Steve had laughed and when Tommy hit him and whispered I was sat a row behind them, Steve just smirked and sarcastically replied, "it's not my fault she's ugly."

I hadn't told anyone, the shame of such a small comment hurting me was too much, but I knew I should at least tell my shrink.
So no, I hadn't told Robin and I couldn't tell her now, it would break her heart.

"No.. I uh.. I guess I forgot to tell her?" I answered in a tone more like I was asking a question and internally smacked myself for seeming so unsure.
"You mean you didn't want to tell her."
Miss Cook could always see through me, sometimes it was useful though, this was not one of those times.

"You know what I think you should do," I leaned back in my chair and sighed, "please don't say give him a chance-" she interrupted me, "give him a chance!"
I let out a long "ughhhhhh" as I slid further down the brown couch I always sat on during these sessions and Miss Cook laughed.

"You never know Ruby, he might've changed."