Mosaicked Feelings

XIII: An Unknown Number

It was moments like these when I realised some things were better perceived in the dark.

I was never the confrontational kind of person, because I never knew how to be one. And so confronting someone who particularly wasn't doing very well, was not something I saw myself doing. Instead, I would rather look up professional articles and blogs related to the side effects of certain medications, and as a result, everything began to click together.

Those were some high-potency anti-depressants, which I didn't know she was either prescribed for, or she had been taking at her own risk. 

The thought of someone dosing themselves with pills like that reminded me of Dad. He was undoubtedly obsessed with taking medicine to feel better just because he had this thought that he was physically sick, and needed treatment. The truth was, the doctors had kept denying any of his self-diagnosis diseases, which pushed him to the point of paying extra cash to get the medicines he wanted. 

Unsure of what to do, I kept my phone back on the glass slab of the nightstand and I numbingly stared up at the plain white ceiling of my room. My mind was a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, but nothing that made sense. Shaking my head to myself, I picked up my phone again in sheer anxiety, spending countless hours just mindlessly searching and researching medications, for no particular reason. I had like over twenty-two tabs opened on my browser, that listed random information that I didn't even seem to pay attention to. I was looking for answers to questions I didn't even know. 

Frustratedly, I got off my bed, swinging my legs to the side, until my eyes fell on the reflection that stared back at me. Over-analysing the measurements of my body, and against the slightly fitting clothing I wore, I wasn't very pleased with what I saw. And to run away from something I didn't like, I would go to any length to change it. 

And that was when I scooped up back in my bed, and grabbed my phone, searching for a specific kind of medication. 

That stopped me in my tracks to browse further, as my curiosity led the way. I looked over the list, that suggested appetite suppressants, and it only made me more accustomed to buying it. I had set up a reminder on my phone to buy those after I'd saved some money, staying determined on changing myself.

The remainder of the stay, I spent reading more about weight loss treatments until I got bored and switched to my typical daily dose of Wattpad fanfictions.  It was until late evening that I was finally interrupted by a door knock. 

Huffing to myself in laziness, I hopped off the bed and stomped outside my room and towards the door. Opening it, revealed a distorted-looking Edward, partially guilty-looking for his uncalled presence, and partially relieved it was me who opened up. His very sight brimmed a jittery feeling in my stomach, as I panicked over how I was going to let him in. I had never had anyone come over to my house before, so this was definitely new. 

"I'm sorry for the short notice but I needed the jacket." He smiled guiltily, looking shaken. He was dressed in a plain white tee and blue trousers. He was such a fit-looking boy, unlike me who didn't even come close in comparison to him. His hair looked incredibly ruffled, probably due to too much pulling at it, and he smelled of cigarettes. 

"Don't be sorry. I know it was rude of me to even keep it," I shakily apologised. "Erm... I don't know if you're okay with it, but you can come in?" I asked awkwardly. 

Without another word, I hurriedly got into my room to grab the black fabric sprawled on my chair and handed it to him as he stood at the doorway of my bedroom. A little too out of my boundary of appropriation, but I didn't mind the intrusion, especially if it was him. He took the jacket from me wide-eyed, and the skin between our hands got reduced to an electrifying touch. I had half a mind to finally tell him how much I liked him but instantly stopped. I needed to get a grip and I was almost certain I was not the type of person he would ever feel the same way about. All he was doing was being nice and friendly and I did not want to take advantage of it by putting the one good thing I had, at risk.