Mosaicked Feelings

XXVI: A Different Puzzle

My interactions with Edward had always left me questioning everything in general. His presence made me feel things, I couldn't feel in his absence and it was the other way round as well. My resistible urges would subside as soon as he'd cast his spell, leaving no frays behind in his perfectly woven tapestry of this love.

He had a way to get to me, making me a part of him and then whenever he wasn't there, I felt detached from myself. He had grown up too much on me for my liking and going back was as hard as trying to change things in the past.

That's why I ended up spending the rest of the day with him and forgetting about anything or anyone else. His presence didn't make me feel hurt if not better, and that was enough for me. Letting go was just too hard.

"I miss having you at work, you know?" Edward treaded to a lighter conversation, analysing every speck of my expression. We were seated at the end of the stairs in one of the corners of the university -- which was usually secluded. I randomly swayed my feet in the litter of dried yellow leaves, while taking into account, Edward's confession. He was right. Ever since I had finally decoded his secretive beloved, I had stopped showing up at his workplace -- even though I missed it more than I was letting on.

"I miss work as well but..." I trailed off. I honestly didn't know if I wanted to go back. Hayden had told me Hannah worked there, and I didn't think I'd be able to cope with her ever-so-flawless presence. "Hannah works there too?" I asked with sheer curiosity.

"Hannah's my sister," He added the usual phrase, with a small sigh, thinking it would make any sense to me. "And no she doesn't. She just comes by to visit sometimes, always expecting free books." Edward smiled a half smile, and I grimaced at the thought. I felt partially confused and slightly off-taken by his calm demeanour. He seemed to pretend she was only a casual friend and that it was okay, however, his sister slash friend slash co-worker slash whoever she was, would behave like. I didn't reply, feeling a pang of sadness hit me again.

"I don't think I should work anymore," I spoke coldly after a pause. "It's not like I'm of any use there. And I need to concentrate on my studies as well," The tone of my voice came off bothered and sad.

"I think you were quite of use," Edward's serious tone didn't waver. "At least for me, you were,"

I sighed, and got up from the stairs, looking unseeingly in the distance. "I'm sorry," Was all my desolation could allow for a negative answer. It was almost time for the end of the day and I mumbled a small goodbye to him to which he nodded, mirroring my actions and got up.

Before I could swing my bag on my shoulder and trudge out to leave, Edward's voice cut in between, stopping me in my tracks again. "Are we still together?"

Turning back around, I peeked at him, and the sea of emotions in his eyes. Nearing him again, I placed a small kiss on his lips, and before I could even pull away, his strong arms pulled me close to him, kissing me back deeper. His teeth pulled onto my lower lip a little too harshly, as his hands held my back close against his chest.

But I pulled away breathlessly. "Edward I-"

"I get it." He exhaled. "You don't love me anymore."

"I do. I have loved you more than anything, probably more than myself. But I just need a break," I panicked at his disapproving look, feeling out of breath.

"Okay... Okay, I respect your decision." He nodded, not meeting my gaze and got up to leave. I just stood there watching him withdraw, and feeling like drowning into a quicksand of emotions.

I couldn't understand anything.

I just couldn't make up my mind for one thing.

I quickly wiped the welling in my eyes before the passing students could notice my pathetic state. I hurried my way out of the crowd of people, blending into them and rushing here and there. Finally, after minutes of struggling and waiting in lines, I swam my way out and outside of the university. Catching a bus, I quickly stepped inside and took the nearest available seat, gasping for the breath I didn't know I was holding for so long.