Mosaicked Feelings

XXI: Fate, A Sadistic Author

3 AM

My phone screen blared the words as I tossed and turned in my bed, sleeplessly -- whilst checking my phone every five minutes -- hoping for the night to end. Rubbing my fingers in my eyes, to try to block the wetness forming in them, I just couldn't stop the silent sobs from leaving. After hours of crying and grieving, I was still unable to process the whole encounter and the revelation, along with the reminders of how my college mates were right about me being unworthy of betterment. Not only was I shocked and heartbroken, I also felt a voided nothingness inside of me, that felt numb and sparse of any emotions.

I felt lifeless. Or probably that was what I wanted to feel the most.

I took a deep breath through my nose, to calm myself but my thick tears ended up gliding over my hot cheeks and wetting the pillow underneath me. The only feelings that engulfed my being were pain and severe hurt, especially in my chest, somewhat similar to a sharp stab in my heart.

Gasping for breath, I couldn't stop, and my mind kept reminiscing about my short but longing memories, as I vividly remembered my times together with Edward. The silver ring he had just got me yesterday was still twisted around my finger, and I couldn't bring myself to remove it. Every time my teary gaze landed on my hands, it reminded me of his presence, as if never leaving my hand, promising me it wasn't him or maybe I was having a bad nightmare and that by morning, it would all be gone.

After multiple attempts of shutting my eyes and letting the feeling of lifelessness take over me, I finally gave up. Dreadfully, I dragged my heavy body up, my head aching sharply in the process and my vision becoming more blurry. I sat on the edge of my bed, slowly raking my fingers in my wet hair and I simply stared at the blank wall in front of me, reflecting my bleakness and mundanity.

After sitting and thinking about what I had experienced, my mind went straight back to Edward. How could he do this to me? He always said he loved me. He even promised me that he wasn't cheating. But then what was it that I just saw and why did I have to find out about it through some random guy I didn't even know?

There were thousands of questions that floated in my mind, all unanswered and probably never would be. I exhaled a deep breath, the silence around me deafening me, only deepening my thoughts. I began to feel helpless. I felt alone.

And most of all, I felt lonely.

It seemed like a never-ending beginning of hurtfulness, and no one to bother hearing me complain and cry about how unfair life was.

I recalled Edward's words and his cliché analogy of our storyline, but it didn't seem like this was a romance novel after all. We were nothing like that, especially me. There wouldn't be psychologically messed up characters in love stories, that anyone would like to read. Those characters were meant to be perfect and I was everything that wasn't that.

And maybe, it was just how fate worked. Fate was a sadistic author, and we as characters never really had a chance. Or maybe we as characters were so masochistic to endure all the pain and to never give up on the story unless fate didn't decide it was finally the time for that abrupt sadly ever after.

And so I broke down again at my present state, my past and what was to come in the future, everything seemed a mixture of mystery, scariness and plot twists, I never would know about, unless I'd experience it.

Groggily getting up from my bed, with my body aching with tiredness, I switched on the lights. The darkness in the room was making me paranoid and my mind seemed to be blinded by the darkness, only adding effects contrastive to my vivid memories.

I went back to bed and checked my phone again, to find any signs of Edward's apologies -- or any type of confrontation for that matter -- but there was nothing. All that he had sent a few hours ago was a 'goodnight. and I love you' text just after Hayden's departure. I hadn't responded to it and didn't know how I would respond to something like that after what had happened.