Mosaicked Feelings

XVI: Exchanging Cigarettes

So this was how it felt like to be infatuated, being so in love that you're either too scared of the free fall or wanting to embrace the dive. It all depended on where you're falling.

And it was the aftermath of the fall that I was scared of the most.

Thinking back to Edward's words where he said how we would figure it out together, I didn't even know how this was supposed to be possible. There was no figuring out my haunting past, I could only sit there and watch myself crumble so slowly, that I wouldn't even realise I'd been long dead and would finally become part of the haunting aka just a moment in past.

I refilled my glass of water, popping in the appetite suppressant pills I had gotten on my way to meet Dad. I should've brought something for my crippling anxiety now that I thought of it, I could have been better off instead of reeling and sulking in my room all alone with the creeping fear of all the wrong what-ifs.

As I skimmed through some Google suggestions on how to deal with threatening messages, neither of the affirmations and helplines helped me calm down nor I could get any insight on how to do anything about it.

I tossed my phone away again, trying to take deep breaths. And it was moments later that I drifted to sleep. And after the same repetitive moments of my anxiety-ridden Sunday, Monday finally appeared.

My heart warmed as I re-experienced the emotion in my head, as the rays of sunshine swept my room, while I checked any messages by Edward on my phone screen, with a newfound feeling.

But there was nothing.

I knew I couldn't rely on him for literally everything, so I just shook off the thought. I turned away from the bed, shakily getting up to get ready. I changed into my clothes -- simple high-waisted black jeans and a maroon blouse and finished the rest of the necessities, checking out myself in the toilet mirror.

I packed my bag with all my and Edward's assignments that I just did even when he didn't ask to. I know he had been so exhilarated yesterday because of my mess, I wanted to do something and that was the least I could've done. Fetching my bag, I hastily rushed out of the room, not wanting to miss the bus.

The bus abruptly stopped right in front of the campus gates, and everyone filed out, including me. I looked around, paranoid through the expansion of the campus ground to spot him but unfortunately, I did not.

I walked towards the classroom, finding Marilyn standing idly against the door frame, her bag hanging lazily on her one arm. She noticed me, passing me a small smile and I returned.

"Look who's finally here..." Her brown eyes politely addressed me.

"Yeah... How'd your weekend go?" I asked just to spark a small talk. I'd been distant with Marilyn, I had to admit, ever since I started seeing Edward. She didn't deserve my on-and-off behaviour, but I didn't know how I was supposed to keep up with both.

"Oh, you know just the typical, studying in my room all day long and trying to make ends meet with work," She scoffed sadly. "But that night when we were out at that whoever guy's party, that was so fun. I hadn't expected it to not go bad. And oh gosh, Drake likes you, can you believe that? I honestly saw it coming."

I looked at her confused for a minute there, but then remembered what she was talking about. "Oh yes, It came as a bit of a surprise to me though," The very thought made me uncomfortable, not knowing how I was going to deal with him.

"I would've shipped you two but you seemed more smitten by Edward." She smiled knowingly at me.

Before I could fend for myself, the green-eyed girl, Anna intervened as she spotted us. "I think for a girl as pretty as her, she deserves someone hot. And Edward is definitely it." Her wide-eyed stare looked welcoming.