I hate loving you - Eddie Munson

"I dont want to fit in"

I don't know when I started hating Eddie Munson, he makes it obvious to me that he has no interest in hating me any less. So we are stuck in a loop, walking past each-other in the corridor and mumbling insults under our breaths, or shouting across the cafeteria, I hate him, I hate his stupid face and most importantly I hate his personality. Something about him boils my blood, maybe it's how cocky he is or how he treats me and my friends, I don't know what it is, I don't care what it is, I just hate him.

I care about what I look like and I want to be the best version of myself in school, not only for me but for my boyfriend Jason. He is the most popular boy in our year and he has a reputation of picking the most pretty girls. So I wake up at 6 am every morning to do my skin care routine, put on makeup and pick out an out fit.

On this particular day, I did a more natural makeup look, enhancing my features rather than covering my insecurities, i straightened my long brown hair, I didn't want a piece out of place. And I chose out a pair of mom jeans pairing it with a cropped teeshirt and my large hoop earring.  I did a spin in the mirror , my eyes are drawn to all the imperfections of my body and face, but I carry on. If you act confident, no one will know how you really feel about yourself.

I hear Jason beep his car horn from outside and run down the stairs.
"Why doesn't he just knock?" My mum asks looking at me with her arms crossed. I shrug my shoulders, and she sighs "at least eat something before you go" she points to a box of cereal that is sat on the counter top.
"I haven't got time" I say running out the door towards Jason's car "bye mum" I look back and smile at her.
I turn to his car and see a blonde girl sitting in the front seat, Chrissy, great I keep my smile wide pretending as though it doesn't bother me.
"Hey Jason, Hey Chrissy.." she turns her head,
"Oh hey Jess" she looks over at Jason and then back to me.
"Back door is open babe" Jason doesn't even look at me. I turn open the back door, I feel humiliated, I sit and stare at the two of them smiling at each other laughing. I want to sink into this car seat and never come back up. The drive to school felt like the longest drive of my life, having to watch the two of them laugh and giggle together.

We get to school and I hop out the car.
I walk over to Jason and kiss him on the cheek "bye babe" I say walking towards the school. It's all a performance at this point, I know he is going to dump me soon, I can feel it. I've seen the way him and Chrissy lock eyes and smile at each other how, when I'm walking beside him he looks out for her. They even hang out after school more than me and him. I'm clearly not enough for him anymore and I feel as though everyone can see it.

I walk to my locker and open it, trying to contain my emotions, I look in the little mirror I stuck to the inside door of my locker and smile trying to compose myself.
"Are you really THAT vain" his annoying voice echos from behind me. I spin round and smile at him.
"Oh Eddie, just because YOU don't care about your appearance" I look him up and down "doesn't mean that everyone has to walk around like a homeless man"

He smirks at me, god I hate when he does that, I can't help but find him the slightest bit attractive which makes this whole enime act we have going on so much harder.
He scoffs "just because I don't want to fit in with your jock boyfriend and his minions, and wear a unwashed basketball uniform around school. Does not mean I am dressed as a homeless man" he steps closer and smiles again.
"Maybe if you didn't try so hard to fit in, we would actually get along. But clearly you crave validation from everyone" my blood boils, he turns and walks away humming as he does so.

I slam my locker hard, trying to get rid of the frustration he builds up in me. That's when I notice Jason stood behind my locker door.
"Uh babe you're causing a scene" he throws his arm around my shoulders.
"Sorry" I say quietly "do you want to hang after school today?" I question looking up at him hoping The answer is yes.

"I can't babe, I really want to, but I have practice" I look at him confused
"But when have you ever had practice after school?"
He looks at me "We need extra work, you know, if we want to win the tournament"
"Oh okay, we'll can I come and watch you at least?" I smile up at him but he doesn't answer straight away.
"I want you there, I really do" he coughs "but uhh, you'll be too much of a distraction for me and I really need to focus babe. You get it don't you"
"Yeah totally"

Of course I don't get it, I don't get why he would lie about having basketball practice when I know for a fact he's not. Clearly he is off to "hang" with Chrissy and I'm sick of it. I kind of wish he would just break up with me already I'm getting bored of this game he is trying to play.

It's lunch, I go to sit at my usual spot next to Jason, but when I get there who's sat in my spot? Cassie - of course. I pretend as though it doesn't bother me again, sitting next to her. I put my apple on the table and smile at her.
"Hey girl, what you doing later I was thinking we could have a sleepover?" I look at her
"Oh I'm busy later I'm sorry" I can see Jason smirking behind her and I furrow my eyebrows at him. Just as I'm about to say somthing I can hear Eddies overpowering voice shouting across the room, I don't listen properly but I stand up and shout "FREAK" he looks at me and smirks, I throw up the middle finger and sit back down.

"I just don't know how you are so confident" Cassie looks at me, and I shrug, "I guess I just am"
"You know Jess he isn't THAT bad of a person, once you get to know him"
The only reason she likes him is because he gives her drugs. I shrug turning away and playing with my apple. I look over to eddies table, they are all smiling, generally happy. I get on well with a few of his friends, mainly the younger ones, I used to be really good friends with Nancy but over the past few years she's been so distant. We used to hang out all the time, but then she started dating Jonathon, and suddenly I was getting ignored, the most conversation I get out of her is saying hello or smiling while we pass each other. It was since barb died really, but I blamed it on loss to begin with but it's been almost 3 years since that happened you would think she would speak to me by now.

Lunch finishes and I decide to skip last period, I walk out of the school and head towards the arcade. That's when I saw Eddie walking the same direction.
"Oi freak" I shout he spins around and smiles.
"Following me now?" He questions storming towards me "are you obsessed with me Miller?" No one ever calls me by my last name, I'm surprised be even knows it.
"No I was heading over to the arcade actually" he's walking towards me causing me to walk back and hit into a wall.
"I don't believe that little story for one second" he's getting closer and closer "why don't you just leave me alone? Is it just annother ploy to get more popular. For attention?"
"No I'm being serious I wasn't following you Eddie"
He's so close to me that I can feel his breath on my cheek, I can feel the warmth of his body on my skin. My heart begins to beat a lot faster, but I'm not scared of him.

He laughs and turns away. Walking again as though nothing had just happened, as though he hadn't practically pinned me to the wall. It's hard to admit that in that moment I thought he was going to kiss me, and I was going to let him. I look around making sure no one had just seen that and turn the opposite direction, I was going to get some food but I think I'll just go home now. I don't want to bump into him again.