yours.

[39] Miles

I can't just stand here and watch him cry. If I do, I don't know, maybe I'll start crying, too. It's unlikely, but Jasper does seem to bring out a different side of me.

He's made it clear he doesn't want me to touch him, but I can't help pulling him to my chest again. He shrieks a little but relaxes in my arms, and I take it as a win. "I'll tell you everything. I'll tell you the truth. But you have to promise not to hate me." He looks up at me, and I avoid looking at his red eyes, his tear-stained cheeks. "Promise me," I repeat, tightening my grip around him. He nods, his sobs lowering to sniffles. I hear Lesley's skates approach us, then grow more distant as she makes her way down the street to my left. I watch her go, knowing she'll be back in a minute. Hopefully.

I turn my attention back to the crying boy in my arms. "Krystina is... well, she's. Um. She's not technically my ex." Jasper's watery gaze sharpens, and I swallow, continuing, "She's... I guess she's my girlfriend. We've been dating for almost year now, well, okay. Okay. We didn't break up before this summer, we kind of... mutually decided to take a break. She needed space to figure out who she was, and I just really needed space from her." Jasper's expression has turned angrier, and I'm surprised he's even let me talk this long. "Everything I've told you about her personality -- her pettiness, her loudness -- that's all true. And I've wanted to break up with her for a while now--"

"Then why didn't you?" Jasper's voice trembles slightly when he speaks.

"Same reason I agreed to date her. All of our friends just... agreed we should be together. And I didn't want it to be weird if I refused. Too many questions..."

"Why didn't you want to?"

I create an inch of space between us. "I... um. I just didn't really like her, I guess. Not my type." My face burns as I think of what I'm trying to say. "I just don't think I really like... you know."

"Girls?" his voice is soft.

"I don't know."

Jasper finally pulls away, dislodging himself from my grasp to wipe his eyes. "I thought you said you've been in six relationships. Were they not all with girls?"

"They were."

He stares at me, his brow pinched. "But--"

"And I didn't have feelings for any of them," I say, answering his question before he can ask it. "I dated them all because the people around me said I should. You're the first person I've kissed because I really want to." His face flushes red at that, and he glances away, rubbing his nose gently.

"That doesn't change the fact that you're cheating on Krystina with me. If anything, that makes everything worse."

"It's not really cheating," I defend, watching a ladybug crawl closer to Jasper's foot. "We're on a break--"

"You said it yourself, she's your girlfriend." Jasper's words are short, defiant. "You have plans to actually get back together, don't you?"

He sees right through me. "When school starts again in the fall, we were going to try again."

Jasper mulls my words over, then shakes his head and steps decisively away from me. "Then this--" He motions between us. "--can't happen. Not until you decide."

"Decide what?" But I already know what he means.

He looks me straight in the eye. "Me or her. You can't have both."

Fear clicks into place in my mind as I realize what he's asking me to do. "Wait, Jasper, I can't--"

"You can't?" His lips curl into a twisted grin, and his eyes light with a manic sort of anger. The sudden change makes me take a step back. "You can't? I can't live with this, Miles. I can't live knowing that I might be wedging myself into a year-long relationship. I can't live with the guilt. I... I've already got enough of that." The crazed glint fades from his gaze as his voice grows quiet.