yours.

[58] Jasper

My head feels a little clearer once we finally reach our destination, but that might just be because of the elevation. Miles has driven us back to the hill we sat on together when Krystina called and ruined everything, but this time I get to look over everything in broad daylight.

As soon as he puts the car in park, I climb out of my seat, finally free of the restrictive seatbelt Miles wrestled onto me, and run to the edge of the hill. Miles chases after me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders to stop me.

My head spins at the sudden change in velocity, and I clutch a hand to my head. I'm never drinking again, I vow to myself. And I mean it, too. Sneaking back downstairs to steal from my father's beer cupboard last night was not one of my... best decisions.

Hopefully, he won't notice the bottle I drank is missing. Or was it two? I can't remember.

Miles drops his head to rest on mine. "Here, you can do anything. You can say anything, and you never have to worry about people hearing you. It's great."

I stare ahead and consider shouting, "I want to die," over the city far below, but I don't, because I know it's not true. As much as I may hate myself, I'm not ready for that yet. I'm not ready to leave the earth and my mother and Miles behind forever. I'm just not. I've still got more to do.

Like college and getting a job and, most importantly, proving to my father that I can be successful in spite of him. That he may have destroyed my self-esteem and crippled my sense of worth, but he didn't kill the most important thing...

My... I don't know. My love? Something inspirational like that.

I groan, leaning back against Miles. This is the alcohol speaking, I tell myself. I'm sure of it. But I'm not, not really.

"Talk to me," Miles says softly, squeezing my arms. "Tell me what's wrong."

I twist in his arms to face him. "Mm, no."

His green eyes soften, then shut. "Please, Jas. I can't help you if you don't let me in. And that's what I'm here for, to help you." Then his eyes open again, and he kisses my forehead. His lips feel squishy. "I love you," he reminds me, and I sigh.

I break free of his hold and make my way back over to his car, heaving myself onto its hood and resting my chin in my hands. I look out at the view again as Miles watches me from a careful distance. The sight of the city, all bustling and alive, right beside the wide, open ocean is just... breathtaking.

I burst into tears.

Miles is beside me in an instant, rubbing my back and hugging me and telling me that everything will be okay, but I really don't think it will. My father tried to kill me, and my mother cares about our broken, dysfunctional family over my safety, and I forgot Max's anniversary. I forgot.

"My brother is dead," I blurt, and Miles pauses his reassuring. "He's dead, and it's all my fault." It feels like invisible walls start to close in around me, and Miles' suffocatingly close proximity does nothing to help that.

"I'm sure you didn't--"

I shift away from him. "I did. And please, stop touching me."

"Jas, listen to me, okay? It's not--"

I swat at his hand, which hovers annoyingly near my side. "Get away from me." 

"Please, just breathe, okay? You're not breathing."

His hands land on my waist-- "STOP TOUCHING ME, MILES." He jumps back, and I can finally catch my breath, no longer crowded by his presence. "I don't deserve this," I say, my tongue loosened by my scream. "I don't deserve any of this. I don't deserve you."