yours.

[46] Jasper

Miles and I end up lying side by side on the gym's cool floor, staring up at the distant skylights above us. I turn my head to look at him, openly admiring his profile as he pretends not to notice.

"And then she got all angry, saying they were stolen from their natural habitats and stuff," Miles was saying, continuing his story about a family trip to the aquarium. "And Chelsea said they were serving some greater purpose, providing us with entertainment, but Les wasn't having it. I think..." He breaks off, laughing. "It was that day when she decided to become vegan. Like that was going to free them, or something."

"How long did that last?" I ask.

"About a week. Then she ate pizza, forgetting cheese comes from cows." He looks at me too, and his stare is so sudden and intense that I can't help but hold my breath, scared of disturbing the air around us. "You like pizza?"

"Mhm," I say feebly.

"Favorite topping?"

"Um." My gaze drifts to his mouth. "Cheese?"

He grins at me, and I almost forget about my terrible response. "Cheese," he repeats.

I look back up at the ceiling, startled by the weight of his gaze. "What do you want to do when you're an adult? Where do you see yourself?" I try, hoping that changing the subject will help make things a little calmer.

"By your side," he says honestly, and I feel my face warm. I lift my hands to cover it. "No, really."

"Miles, I'm serious."

"Okay, okay, fine. I see myself... not doing anything in real estate." When I peek at him between my fingers, confused, he shakes his head and mutters, "It's what my mom does. And what I will, too, I guess. Never mind. I, uh... I'll be playing soccer, still. Hopefully."

I nod slightly. "That sounds fun." He asks about me, and I say, "I don't know. I don't... I haven't figured that out yet."

"That's okay."

"Yeah." We're both silent for a minute, and Miles' hand creeps across the smooth floor to take mine. I look over at him again, deciding to finally address what's been weighing on my mind for the past few hours. "Miles," I start softly, "about yesterday. In the... car."

"No, no, you don't have to--"

"I want to. Okay?" 

His green gaze softens, and his fingers tighten around mine. "Okay."

I take a deep breath before continuing, knowing it's important I say this all, and say it right. Because Miles needs to know the truth, not just some poor assumption he's made based on my confused words. "When I said you 'weren't anything' to me, I didn't mean you're nothing. You're... you're a lot of things to me. You're..." I swallow the word. Everything. "I just don't have a label for you. And I want to, I just... don't know what it is."

Miles is quiet, and I'd like to think he's coming up with a title for himself, the perfect thing for me to call him and finally make him mine -- well, not mine-mine, just... mine.

But doesn't say anything in response, and I know he's drawn a blank, just like I have.

"I mean, what can I call you," I ramble on, disheartened. "'My Miles?' That's not right."

"I dunno, I kind of like that." He pulls out interlaced hands onto his chest. "I can be 'your Miles,' and you can be 'my Jasper.'" I halfheartedly agree with him, and his smile dims. "But that's not enough, is it?"

I shake my head.

He sighs. "I can't be your boyfriend, can I?"

"No." Too much could go wrong, and I don't want to lose him. I know what almost losing him feels like -- I'm sure the real thing is a hundred times worse.