two hours earlier... at hogwarts
mcgonagall is sitting at dumblodre's desk, doing stupid snape's stupid report, when there is a knocking at the door
flitwick flops onto the floor, face first
he gets up, brushes himself off, and says, "hi Minerva, sorry that i stained your floor with my blood, the door was lighter than i thought it would be ," he says while tucking his hair behind his ear
mcgonagall gets up and heals his face with her wand
"it's alright, why are you here?" she says to flitwick
"i need some of your transfiguration expertise, i have a tortoise--"
"MINERRRRVAAAAAAAAAAA COME OUTSIDEEEEEEEEEE" dumblydore whines from outside his office door, "YOU SAID YOU'D PLAY HIDE AND SEEK WITH MEEEEEEEEE TODAYYYYYYYY"
mcgonagall rolls her eyes, "sorry about him, filius. YOU CAN COME IN, ALBUS. IT IS YOUR OFFICE"
dumblydoree opens his door surreptitiously, notices flitwick and says, "GET OUT OF MY OFFICE BITCHWICK! RUN MINERVA, HE'S GONNA KIDNAP YOU! YOU HAVE TO PLAY HIDE AND SEEK WITH ME N O W !!!!!!!!"
Flitwick stands there smiling softly absorbing the abuse, to save it for later
"i can't play hide and seek with anyone right now, because i have to finish the report that you should have done"
Dumbleahes eyes flick suddenly to the floor." WHHHYYYYY ISSS THERE BLOOD ON MY FLOOR!"
mcgonagall viciously slaps dumbledorc across the face
"filius, continue," says minerva
"anyways, i have a tortoise that two students gave to me that has apparently been cursed, and i need some of your advice"
"oh those weren't students, they were just two girls i found on the lake"
"you WHAT?!?!? you let strangers into our school?!?!?!?"
"they were trustworthy! they had a pea mobile!!!!!!! only top-tier wizards know that spell!"
"i don't even know what a pea mobile is," says minnie
dumble turns to flitwick, and whispers "yeah... i wonder why"
"WHERE ARE THEY NOW THEN?!?!?" yells maggie
________________________________________________________________________________
-cut to present-
p and e are lying in the sexy hospital wing in hohwart
they open their eyes, to see dumbledor staring at them, pointing, and laughing
"bro, what fresh hell is this?" asks eme
they turn their heads and see snape having a meltdown, with his foot elevated up into a sling
madame pomfrey enters with her awesomeness and says to him "why are you so dramatic. you have a teeny tiny bite."
"IT COULD BE INFECTEDDDDDDDD" snape catches sight of p and e, "DON'T LOOK AT MEEEEEEE" he wails
esme turns away from snape to face penelope and sees her face swollen up to double her size
"bro wtf happened to you" asks emse
"i told you im allergic to cats"
dumblefroe is bored and leaves, no more fun times
as he leaves, maggie enters
"hi, im so sorry about that, i didn't know you were allergic to cats"
"you should've known that, pal," says penelope
"why did you come here for this tortoise, you already know magic, obviously"
"wdym we already know magic?" says emse
"you made that pea mobile thing, only the best wizards can do that, even i haven't mastered that skill"
"yeah, and your lake ATE IT. GIVE IT BACK!"
"not until i get my answers. are you working for he who shall not be named?"
"who tf is that?" says penelope, swollenly
"they're obviously muggle-borns, minerva, they don't know anything" snape chimes in
mcgonagall closes the curtain between them, angrily
"who do you mean, he who shall not something or other? jeffrey epstein?" says esme
"no. i think you two need my help. i can help you with your problem"
YOU ARE READING
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