But ya I will probably make a few errors here and there I never wrote before so bare with me when it gets cringy lol I also can't spell to well so ya ill try to fix errors <33
Venting here bc no one wants to listen to me irl or such.
I feel like I need to get this off my chest so here I am I was bullied all my life for being myself. And after a long day of the bullying I'd come home to my house being smashed apart because my father and my mom on the floor or in my room crying, then he would make me clean it up and if I dared to not pick something up accidentally or on purpose he would scream at me smack me in the mouth and call me a dumb blonde, slut, mistake and more. And if I cried he would tell me to stop and act my age (I was mostly 4 - 8 when he would say these things I learned to close up my feelings after a while) I would go to my room with my mother. She'd say sorry over and over again saying I should have been born in a better home or that she shouldn't had let him take her to NC with him. Around the age of 9 I finally got a connection with my biological father I was so happy I was finally feeling like I had a father figure. A normal one, even if it was over some stupid phone. But he ditched me because he got bored of me. My dad made fun of me almost everyday for a year because 'my real father didn't even want me' it was hard to admit but he was right. My biological dad didn't want me, my step dad didn't want me my mom didn't really want me and she still doesn't. She wanted to k!\\ h3r$3\f. She didn't want a child no, no. she didn't want me I was a accident that happened. But around 6 my brother was born She wanted him she loved him my dad loved him. Now at the age of 6 I was his mom not his big sis they would leave me why they went to work I still babysitting him to this day my mom just got home from work a hour ago. On the topic of my mom going to work this was a year ago my mom went to work at 7 am my dad was off so he babysat us that day I still did most of the work tho. Its all my fault its all my fault its all my fault. He was in my room my brother too I just woke up (9am) he was being.. Nice? He was saying he loved me that I was his best girl ever this went on for 5 minutes. Nothing amazing last forever and especially for me. He was talking to us he said "oh I love you children. I love my sweetheart and my boy" looked me in the eye all I saw was lies and disgust. Then love in his eyes I didn't feel this happy and loved in years even if this feeling was only because I was tired I just woke up like 5 - 10 minutes ago. Then my whole world smashed I fell apart in the matter of a second I didn't know it yet but it happened he put his hands on his left side his eyes closing he looked scared and tired I noticed the tired not the scared he slid his body down half way then dropped his head pushed into the bed (Just know my father faked being dead \ dieing ALL THE TIME. So I thought this was him fakeing being dead or him falling asleep randomly like he always did.) I walked away saying dad must be tired and to leave him alone. But he didn't move around he didn't wake up he didn't look like he was breathing I finally woke up from my morning daze (10am) I finally got hit that something was not right something happened and it flew over my stupid head I went over to him. Cold. Time felt slow, slow. He was like 180 - 200 pounds I couldn't move him at all I was weak I am weak I never have been strong I poured water all over him trying to wake him I was not thinking right so instead of my stupid worthless ass calling 911 I called my grandma who literally lived 8 - 10 hours away from me. What was I thinking? But she told me to get water and stuff she said she would call my mom to call 911 and stuff while I try to get him to wake up nothing worked nothing my brother called out to me that the cops and ambulance where here I couldn't move I couldn't move I just had my arms on him I wanted him back I wanted to be told he loved me one more time I wanted to say I loved him that he ment so much to me. To say, goodbye. The ambulance people came in and shit I had to be pulled off by like 3 men and dragged out of my home screaming, crying, kicking biting anything but I got put outside. My mom finally got home she put me and my brother in her car crying that she wasn't there for me for my brother she did nothing wrong all I felt was. Guilt. I let him die I sat there and watched him die. They apparently got him to come back to life then on the way to the hospital my mom dropped us off at my aunts so she could go 10 minutes later. Only 10. My mom walked into the house He's dead. He can't come back I screamed at my mother knowing it wasn't her fault I knew it wasn't hers and that it was mine I wanted her to scream "Haha got ya! I'm joking he got in the hospital and is going to live we're going home!!" but she didn't he died he fucking died on my watch.
Its. All. My. Fault.
waves of Guilt swing over me 10 times a day knowing if I wasn't so dumb
He would be here.
My dad.
My reason to live.
All my life was protecting my family from his abuse until now. What to do now.
Be even more worthless. Be nothing but just some girl at the bottom of the rope doing nothing but sit there looking at it.
Never would I let that happen again.
My brother hits me daily my mom screams at me and calls me names my brother touch's me in places I don't like but if I stop him then he will hurt me worse. I hate my life. I hate it. I want to have friends that talk to me. But that's it ig. Thats only some of my trauma.
A little picture after all that shit I just dumped on you.
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