Hold My Heart // Byler

001

*Mike's POV*

As I walked into my empty basement after an extremely long, and boring phone call with El, I couldn't help but think about what's going wrong in our relationship.

I think about how all El wanted to do was kiss today and it honestly disgusted me when I thought about it. The only reason I ever kissed her was because... well, i guess it's because I love her, right?

Right?

I mean, sure, the answer should be clear, but in the back of my mind I can't help but think that maybe I'm in this relationship for a different reason than everyone else thinks I am. ' Do I love her? Of course I do!' Well, what type of love? I mean... obviously I care about her... she helped Will get out of the Upside Down. She's saved my life, and Wills.

But, I can't help but think now that the only reason I have her around is because I kind of owe it to her? For saving mine and my friends lives. And yeah, obviously I care about her, but I don't know if... I love her, like that at least. There might be someone else...

I've been avoiding Will, maybe because i've finally come to term with my feelings, but for whatever reason, I was avoiding him, and it hurts. It hurts.

*****

I lay down on the couch in my basement, and stare up at Wills drawings he'd given to me over the years. I slowly trace my fingers over the very intricate drawings, smiling at the memories of the day I received them.

I think about how me and Will used to be, when we were younger. I compare our interactions to mine and El's. Even though me and Will were so young, our conversations have always felt way more genuine compared to mine and El's.

I guess i've always felt like Will was the only one who ever cared enough to make me feel wanted. But, he's a boy, so... I ran to El. She made me feel needed. Then eventually, I just stayed with her because everyone suspected it anyways. I've never loved her in the way that I do Will. And I wish I could tell him.

I have to tell him. I can't lose him.

My mom knocks on the basement door, interrupting my thoughts, and says " Micheal! Start picking up, the Byers are coming to visit in two days!"

I sit up, remembering about the Byers coming here to visit everyone. I'm so nervous to see Will. The last time I saw him was the moment I realized that I- I love him. And that's why i've been avoiding him. But I guess i thought if me and El stayed together, maybe i'd start to feel as strongly about her as I do with Will, since she's a girl. That's more natural anyway.

I need to talk to Will. He needs to see that I'm not pushing away because i don't want him in my life. I'm pushing him away because it hurts too much to not be able to tell him how I feel. It hurts so bad.

*****

I begin cleaning the basement, still internally contemplating on what I should do. Should I tell him why i've been avoiding him? Or should I just stop avoiding him? Should I tell El how I feel? Should I leave her out of it?

I don't know the answer to any of these questions. The only thing i know for sure, is that a part of me doesn't want to see Will, in the hopes he'll end up hating me.

And i would never be able to live with that.

I feel tears stream down my face as I realize that I might be too late, and that Will might already have built up this resentment towards me. I just can't deal with it. I sit back down on the couch, and lay my head in my hands and just scream. Scream at the world, and at Will; for making me feel like this, for making me be like this?

If I were normal, I'd love El. I should love El. She's a superhero. But, my gut is telling me that I can't force myself to love someone that I just don't. I do care for her, and I love her in the aspect of being Hawkin's hero, and mine, many times. She's saved me, so at the end of the day, I almost have to love her.

I feel bad because Eleven and Will both deserve to know the truth. Whether it hurts me to tell them, or if the results aren't what I hope for. No more hiding from this truth that I've spent years trying to fight. Years of my life, wasted on empty romantic gestures, and heart- filled words that I'd just never had the courage to speak. I finally need them to know the truth. I can't dance around this lie anymore. I don't want to be like this, but I am, and I need to stop hiding from the very person who makes me feel better for being like this.

I feel myself drift to sleep, holding one of Wills drawings he gifted to me.

*****

A/N: Hey! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I'll end up doing more chapters in Wills POV than I intended. I'll give the next few chapters my A effort! Enjoy the story!! :)