Hold My Heart // Byler

012

  A/N: Before this chapter I want to say that all of the next few chapters are going to have TW for sensitive topics such as internalized homophobia, homophobia, slurs, and there might be some mention of suicide. I know that these topics can be hard to read. Anyways, enjoy <3

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  Mike always wondered how it felt to be genuinely humiliated.

   Now, he didn't have to wonder, he knew.

  He wanted to take every single action back. Every word. He wanted his life to be a book, so he could tear out every page of it until he was back at the beginning.

   And worst of all, he thought everything was okay.

  He thought it was okay, to feel this way about a boy. His best friend. He thought it was okay to find himself wanting to spend all of his time with Will.

  The worst of it was that Will was probably disgusted with him. He probably humiliated Will.

  He laid in bed, trying to stifle his sobs. The last thing he needed was for someone to hear him.

  Hear his weakness.

   And maybe if he would've spent more time with El, maybe if he would've done the right things.

  He stared at the wall with tears streaming down his cheeks. He wanted so badly to look at Will, see what he was doing.
 
  But he had ruined every opportunity he would ever get to stare at that face.

  Now I'm acting like a little boy.

  " I wouldn't want a  faggot for a son."

   Mike kept repeating that over and over again in his mind.

  If his father wanted a normal son, he would give him that. He would give it to the world.

  He wanted to take a knife and carve out his insides, and reform them. Maybe he could finally be normal then.

  He needed to force down his feelings, bury them. He needed to make everyone believe he was normal.

  But most of all, he needed himself to believe it.

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   Will was laying below Mike, hearing him cry. But he couldn't do anything. He couldn't move. Couldn't say anything.

  It was as if his embarrassment froze him into place. Maybe he was meant to be in a position where he couldn't speak or move, maybe it was better that way.

   He knew that this had altered the way Mike felt about him. Mike was disgusted.

   Will would be disgusted with himself too.

   He wanted to go into a deep sleep, and never wake up.

  Mike was his favorite person ever, and now he surely hated him.

  And Will could not handle that. He didn't know what to do with all of this emotion.

   He wanted to scream and hit something. He wanted to sob loudly. He needed to not feel anything, because then it would be easier to go on with life.

   Will knew from the beginning of his time that he wasn't right. He knew that everything his dad and bullies said about him was true.

  But he still felt sorry for his-self. He always did. Maybe if he'd gotten beat up one more time..

  Will closed his eyes, because then he could be in his mind. His mind was the safest place. Nothing could touch him.

  So he stayed in the darkness of his mind. But he still felt it. He felt everything.

   The want, the desire, the jealousy, the rage, the hurt.

  He felt everything all at once. The only thing he could do to possibly weaken the pain was draw.

  He sat up slowly and quietly, afraid to break Mike even more. Afraid to make Mike known of his presence.

  He didn't deserve to be in Mike's presence. And he was cruel for thinking he ever did.

  He began to sketch a picture of Mike, maybe he could catch a glimpse of the look Mike gave him before it became hatred.

  At around 2:00 a.m., he was finished drawing.

  He looked at the picture in his hands, he looked into the eyes of Mike.

  Even in the drawing, he saw hatred in Mike's eyes. He grabbed the drawing and threw it in the trashcan.

  Maybe in every lifetime, in every place, at every time, Will was always destined to be hated by Mike.

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A/N: Hey, ik this chapter is shorter than the previous ones but I need to talk about something. These chapters are going to be super hard to write because I'm going in with a 3rd person's POV. But that's the best option to execute this story. I want to remind you that while I am the narrator, and it may seem like what I'm saying about the boys is my opinion, it's their thought process. I might make a chapter in one of their POVS, but they would be an unreliable narrator. Neither of them know what the other is thinking. Anyways, I just needed to clear that up. These chapters are sooo different. Honestly, I didn't even think that I would go this route for this book. But I'm happy I did because this is going to make it easier for the ending. And I'm so excited. Anyways, thanks for reading! Enjoy <3