Hold My Heart // Byler

013

Mike could say that he woke up before Will, but he never fell asleep.

He could also say that the reason was because he was stuck in his own thoughts. But the true reason was because he was stuck on Will.

At around 2:00 a.m. he had heard Will toss something and roll around on the mattress. Around 20 minutes later Mike turned around and saw Will sleeping.

And his heart had cracked at the sight. He was listening to Will's soft breathing, and staring at his bewildering face. Mike always wondered where Will came from.

Who decided to put something so fragile and beautiful on an Earth that's hateful and cruel?

And honestly, Mike felt hateful and cruel too. Because he knew that he couldn't talk to Will. He wouldn't allow his-self to fall back in that deep.

As he was staring at Will, he went back to around a week ago in his mind. Him and Will laying in his bed together, staring at each other under the illuminated light.

He had remembered closing his eyes and going back to that moment. If every-time he closed his eyes, he was back there, he would have his eyes permanently sealed.

That was a time when he felt light and happy. He felt safe and wanted.

But he ruined it.

******************

At around 7:15 a.m., he got up and went into the bathroom. He stood in front of the mirror but didn't look at himself.

Looking at himself had gotten harder since he figured out he wasn't regular. He was a curse. A burden. A nobody.

Mike snapped his head up to look at his reflection, and he wanted to gag. He had huge eye-bags and messy hair.

But he didn't want to gag because of his physical appearance. He wanted to gag because he wasn't correct internally.

He stared at himself. His mind replayed his father's words on repeat.

" I wouldn't want a faggot for a son."

He felt sick.

Mike leaned over the toilet and his dinner came out. His stomach deserved to be empty.

Mike never took care of himself either way, but now he felt as though he didn't deserve to be taken care of. By anyone.

Maybe if he would've cherished Will a little bit more, he wouldn't have broken his heart. Maybe if he was a little more careful.

Now he was dreading acting normal, pretending.

Pretending was what he did best.

He now had to pretend like he wanted to be alive while avoiding his favorite person.

He had to pretend to be in love with El.

He sat on the floor with his knees to his chest and tears streamed down his cheek. This was a rare occurrence. He hated crying.

Maybe because he wanted to prove he wasn't weak.

His heart ached. He felt it being pierced with a sword, and his father held the blade.

I want to be normal. I need to be normal. I am normal.

This internal gaslighting was common. He made himself believe things, bad things.

He needed to ignore Will and be with El until he could force his mind to be normal.

But a mind that's shaped by something greater than will power, by love, can't be " fixed".

******************

When Will woke up and took a breath, it felt like he was inhaling needles. Metaphorically.

Every breath he took felt like he was taking from the Earth, and he certainly wasn't giving anything back.

He was a thief. He stole people's normality. Mike's normality. He wanted to bury himself with the ghost of Mike.

That would be enough for him.

He glanced over towards Mike's bed; it was empty.

Mike probably couldn't stand to be in the same room as him.

He heard the door creak open, and Mike's eyes fell to Will, but they didn't stay. They flew to the ground as soon as they met Will's, it was as if Mike's eyes were burned from the sight of Will.

Whatever Mike did to Will, he deserved it. If Mike ignored him, he deserved it. If Mike cursed at him, he deserved it.

Even a glance from Mike, Will didn't feel worthy of.

Mike grabbed clothes from his drawer and left the room quickly.

Deserved.

He was probably scared to be in the same vicinity as Will.

Will stood up, and he quickly changed clothes.

Should I talk to Mike, should I... wait?

He kept running through this in his mind. How the conversation would go. What he would say. He didn't know what to say, he had no clue.

So when Will walked out of Mike's room and ran into Mike, all he could say was " Oh sh- I'm sorry!"

Mike felt his cheeks burn, it felt like someone had touched a torch to his cheeks. He stuttered before saying " I- it's..." he paused and sighed. "... fine."

Will wanted to say something, anything. But Mike's hurtful stare made him feel under pressure, like he was being shoved under water and his lungs were filling up.

Mike wanted to break himself away from the situation. Maybe to even cry in Will's arms.

Stop. Stop it. Stop.

Mike felt his eyes rim up with tears as he said " Excuse me." He was already crying. God, he couldn't control his emotions around Will.

He basically ran into the bathroom before Will could say anything.

Will felt absolutely sick. He needed so badly to talk to Mike. He craved it.

If Mike didn't want Will talking to him, then Will would honor that.

What Mike didn't know is that Will would drop everything for him. He would sell his soul for him. He would do anything to make him happy, to be the cause of his happiness.

For Will, Mike was his sun. But Mike wasn't bright and light like the sun, he was more-so like a star. Gloomy, but still able to illuminate. Almost sad.

But Will had always found the most beauty in sad things.

*********************

A/N: I've been on a writing streak, clearly. Anyways, it honestly breaks me to write these chapters, knowing the characters have false thoughts. But, as I said, this part is vital. Thank you for reading <3