Desire 2: Caged

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I couldn't sit still. My baby was here. She's here and I can't even touch her. I carried her and they don't even want me to see her. "Why GOD? WHY ME?" I cried. This pain is unlike anything I've ever felt in my life. I wish Keith would have just killed me. It would have been better than every single day having to deal with a pain like this. He loved me at one point, I mean, shouldn't that count for something? He should have given me the respect to take me out of this misery. If I had known, what the outcome was going to be, I wouldn't have fought so hard to save myself.

I sat in the hospital for two days and wasn't able to see my child. I sat all day scared. With every beep and panicking doctor, I cried. I heard a code alert and instantly got sick. The nurses wouldn't tell me anything and Dr. Schultz didn't work anymore the rest of my stay. I was miserable.

I was back at the prison and didn't really want to be alive anymore. Weeks had gone by and I was too afraid to call my mom. She had written two letters but I didn't open them. My baby girl was fighting for her life and here I am, locked away with absolutely no power to protect her. I cried every single day and not a minute passed that my Grace wasn't on my mind.

I laid on my bunk and finally reached for the envelopes that my mother had sent. I held them to my heart, this is as close as I'm going to get to my mother's touch. I felt a sense of comfort and fear. I was afraid of what she could have said. "Was Grace dead?" I didn't know what to expect but what the hell?

I opened the first letter.

Deysire,
My sweet baby, I hope that this letter finds you in great spirit. I know things may seem rough right now but we are going to get through this, together. I am your mother and I will fight with everything in me to help you but I need you to have faith. I saw the baby. They're calling her Baby Washington until all of this mess is over with Keith. She's gained a pound and starting to open her eyes. She looks just like you. The doctors are saying she should be able to be taken off of the feeding tubes in the next week or two. When I visit her, I tell her all about you. How you are GOD'S greatest gift to me and she was his to you. I tell her how your smile saved my life and how you are the kindest person to ever walk the face of this earth. Baby, I know you're going to come out of this and this will be your testimony, if you just hold out. Stand still and let GOD do his will. I love you. I hope you call me soon. Bishop Wells wanted me to tell you that the church is keeping you in prayer. He said he's going to save a spot in the choir for Rose. That's a little nickname I gave her because every time I see her, she's blossomed a little bit more. I know you're tired baby but I really want to hear your voice. Call me.

Love, Mom