His secret

Chapter 30

Dear notebook, 

I'm really questioning if I even should start my writing with that phrase, it makes me cringe every time. But my therapist advised that I start by addressing my letters to someone because that would make me feel like I really was taking my feelings to a person I feel comfortable with. The problem is I don't want anybody to know about the things that go on in my head and my therapist Mrs.Davidson knows that too because I wouldn't open up to her either. An imaginary friend could be a way to start she suggested, "make up someone in your mind, someone that you would feel safe with, and dedicate your letters to that person", she told me. But that had just felt like a pathetic thing to do, to make up a person I could feel safe with. What is a person I would feel safe with, to begin with? I don't know how that person is supposed to be and how I'm supposed to feel to be able to make that person up. The only people I have constant contact with are my best friend Alexis and his parents. They're lovely people really and I do feel safe with them, is it that kind of person Mrs.Davidson wants me to make up? If that's so then I don't think it would be of any help because I would rather tell her than Alexis and Mr. and Mrs. Aggelonitis about myself and my past that seems to be haunting me forever. I guess the notebook will have to do, for now, or at least until I figure this whole 'someone you feel safe without.

I have a job interview in half an hour with the owner of the bookshop down the street and I don't even know how to do this whole write my story and problems thing down. I don't even know where to begin so I guess it will have to wait until some other day when I have time to stare at a blank paper until I can get things out. 

"What that you're reading" Alexis glances at me while waiting for the green light to continue driving. "It's nothing, just an old notebook from school," I lie to him because I'm afraid he'll judge me for not respecting Miles's privacy, or worse, he'll be interested in reading the diary too and I can't handle the feeling of guilt of both reading it myself without permission and letting some else read it as well. I'm thankful for the light that changes at the right moment so Alexis has to turn his gaze back to the road while driving so he can't read into my expression any further and suspect my lying. 

I had planned to read the notebook whenever I had time alone, in private but I just couldn't wait to arrive because our drive was a whole six hours. One letter would have to do, for now, I have three hours to go on the road it can wait.