Chance on You (Pub 4)

43 - Before and after

Leo saw hurt in Isla's eyes as he tried to convince her to join them in shopping for a tree. Christmas the year before hadn't been difficult. Maybe because it was their first white Christmas or because they felt far from California. Or maybe it was because Leo had been in denial and his biggest worry was keeping a nanny.

Knowing he hurt Isla and seeing it on her face were two different things. Ever since he woke up with her in his bed, he felt guilty. When Autumn was alive she couldn't see him, but with her death he felt her presence. Maybe it was in his grief-stricken head or she was finally with them. He felt chills when his mind went in directions it shouldn't and warm waves when he sat alone at night missing her. One morning, he started the car to warm it up and clear the ice, and their wedding song came on the radio. It was as if she was sending him a message. Grief and guilt had him tied up in knots. He regretted giving up on her with the divorce.

Being stuck in the past made it impossible for Leo to look forward. He felt relieved when Isla gave him space in the evening, but the longer she stayed away, the more awkward things had become. Maybe he imagined some shared feelings before.

His life was marked by before and after - before the fall, after the divorce, after they moved, before Isla, after Autumn's death. His wife was in the ground. It was one more thing he couldn't prevent. She would probably haunt him for that until the end of his days.

Every morning he woke thinking he would snap out of his gloom. Instead, he buried himself in his office working and ignored Zach's invites for lunch. At night, he let Isla disappear and he refused to look at the photos of his Autumn's beautiful face. His children did; Riley told him. In a fit of anger at God, Autumn and the universe, in general, he had torn up the picture of Autumn with the tubes. He didn't need a photo, and he preferred his children forget the years of limbo when their mother was alive but dead to them. No one mentioned the missing picture. If only the memory and his mistakes could be so easily erased.

Leo tried to embrace the season as he walked on the mud and slush covered paths of the tree lot. The Christmas songs blaring through cheap speakers did little to fill him with spirit. His children's laughter did a better job as he tried not to think of the work involved with lugging in the tree and setting it up. Maybe he should have invited Zach and Lilli over.

He turned his head when Isla laughed. She stood with her friend from church. Leo recognized her husband but not the man with them. The friend said, "I thought we were late this year, but it seems we're not the only ones."

The man said, "Mom has the whole crew over to decorate, so finding a day they're all free isn't easy."

The wife pulled her husband's sleeve. "Come on Johnny, the best trees are over this way."

Leo kept his eye on the kids. As they circled around looking at trees, he listened to the man talk to Isla. "Are you feeling better since our lunch?"

Isla nodded. "Thank you."

The guy stepped closer, and their voices lowered. Leo couldn't see Isla's face but the way the guy looked at her caused Leo's heart to jumpstart. He felt like jumper cables had been connected to his coronary organ and an engine turned on. Isla wouldn't hide in the basement waiting for him to get his shit together. She had already had lunch with the guy.

"Isla, come see! The perfect tree."

Her attention switched to an excited Riley, but as Isla stepped away, she said, "Thanks again."

Was thanks again a brush off or an encouragement. It had been years since Leo really dated. Sex with Reagan and stealing a few kisses from Isla didn't count. He stood in place as the guy watched Isla walk away with a smile on his face. Leo could recognize interest and the guy had it for Isla. He felt dread as he vowed to stop taking Isla for granted.