The Book I'll Never Write

storm chaser

I can feel myself sinking sometimes

I feel it start, barely a drip. Drip. Drip. 

Like watching the sky turn from clear to grey

Seeing dark, melancholy clouds invade the blue

Drizzles starting to slowly fall, and 

Before you know it 

The earth itself cries in great heaving sobs

Tears leak ferociously down

I'm curled up in my blanket people all around me 

And yet still so hollow 

Feeling so alone

And honestly I wish I wasn't around people 

Part of me wants to just sleep 

As the rain pounds on my roof 

My bones shake as the clouds knock knock knock

Lightning splits the sky in two

Dimly lighting up my dark bedroom. 

Hurricane welling up inside me, 

With no where to go.

Destroying everything in it's path

My stomach aches, growling at me 

Knowing I should do something about that but just.. 

Being unable to. 

The storm has travelled now to my bones

I shiver and shake even under the covers

Deep booming thunder fills my lungs 

As I try so hard to smile

I know it's futile

I know that everyone who sees me knows 

They see the trail of damage done 

By a thunderstorm well predicted 

And it's my own fault I know

I heard the sirens wailing, I watched the news 

I saw my neighbors leaving in a hurry, 

Running to escape certain doom

And yet I sat. I went to my room and hid.

I locked my doors and put in headphones 

As though the sound of music would drown

The sound of my walls crumbling around me 

And nobody seemed to look my way

They didn't ask

Why would they? They're the smart ones

Running away to find the sunshine

I'm the one who sat and waited for the storm

They always say you can't save someone 

Who isn't wanting to be saved 

And I suppose I myself am proof 

That there are heroes, getting out and helping others

There are storm chasers, tracking the beast for thrills

And then. There's the people like me.

The sinkers.

The people who pretend the storm doesn't exist

The people who fear we'll just make the storm follow

So we sit 

And we wait

And I know the storm will go on its way 

And I'm just needlessly sacrificing myself 

And for what? 

Everyone got out fine. 

I could have gotten out too. 

But here I am anyway. 

Calling out to the rain as if it actually changes anything. 

And maybe if I spoke up 

Maybe if I told someone 

My head is twisted up and mangled and deformed

There's something in my chest that aches and burns 

Maybe if I didn't say I'm fine when everyone knows I'm not 

Maybe the storm is preventable 

I'm sure it is. 

I'm sure if I'd just let someone help then a little rain 

Wouldn't turn into a flood

I know they'd toss life rafts and ropes, 

Screaming for me to just grab on and they'll get me out 

And honestly I'm sure they do 

And I truly can't tell you why I didn't latch on 

Why I didn't grab the rope and hold on for my life 

I know that's what I should do 

But when I see those rafts and ropes all flying out around me

All I do is shrink. Shrink. Sink. 

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(Hey there friends author here! I've been having quite a time recently and this is a little... Thing? I wrote to try and get it off my chest. I am tired and in a battle with my motivation and my hope. I know it's been a while since I've updated anything on my account, so for those who stuck around and read my stuff thank you! The comments still make my day. I hope y'all all have a fantastic time and remember, don't be a sinker, or a storm chaser. You don't have to be a hero or a martyr, sometimes it's enough to just be helped out of the storm.)