The Book I'll Never Write

Chapter: Lovey Dovey

Remember how earlier in the book, I said I never knew how you could be so sure you love someone in such a short time? Yeah, well I learned how. I dated a lot of people, guys and girls alike, and in two years I had had over 15 partners. Some of them cheated, some of them broke up with me, some of them just naturally faded away. I remember in particular, this boy I dated in freshman year. We started dating over the summer, and we talked during 8th grade. He was tall and lanky, the kind of skinny that makes you worry how much he eats. He had a sharp face, and somehow looked dignified and analytical all the time. He had warm brown eyes, that were almost golden. When he smiled, it was bright and shining, and he had dimples. His hair flipped to one side, falling over his forehead and partly over his eye.

He was funny, he really was. And he was kind. I grew to be extremely comfortable around him. Being with him felt natural and easy. His family loved me, mine loved him. It was easy and comfortable.

I remember the first time he kissed me, it was my first actual kiss. We were in a game store in the mall, and I had plucked up enough courage to kiss him on the cheek. He smiled and said "You missed." It was cheesy, but it was cute. It was the moment I had wanted all my life. I felt giddy and excited, I thought it was perfect. I was so convinced I loved him. I was convinced that I was In Love with him. He understood me, we had a fairytale kind of love, and our biggest issue was about ice cream flavours.

But even if it was easy, it wasn't perfect. I needed constant reassurance and constant attention. I was very passionate and I would talk for hours and never stop. I would get so excited about something, and I would tell him and hope he would be too, but he usually wasn't. And don't get me wrong, it wasn't like he actively tried to bring me down. Honestly, he really did make me happy. But after a while, I felt like I could be happier. Kissing him felt more like a pleasantry than an act of love, it was like it was something I had to do rather than something I wanted. I tried to tough it out, believe me I did. And when I broke up with him, it broke my heart. It destroyed me, it really did. I cried a lot that night, and even now, I feel a little pang of emotion when I see him. How could I not? I loved him. But I realize now that loving someone, and being In Love with someone are two completely different things.

Right now, I am completely and devastatingly In Love with my boyfriend, Chris. And it's not the high school kind of love either. We have the "Once In A Lifetime" kind of love. I can tell you with 100% certainty that I will love him for the rest of my life, whether we stay together or not. But our love isn't easy. His dad really doesn't like me. Honestly, his dad hates me. Why? I have no idea. So, Chris and I aren't allowed to hold hands in the hallway, or go anywhere together. I can't even wear his jacket. I spent a long time crying because of it honestly. It felt like the world was trying to tear us apart, and sometimes I still think that. But we're determined to stay together. He knows me better than anyone else, and he can pick up on the subtlest things about me. Honestly, if there was ever two people who were made for eachother, it would be him and I.

As cheesy as it sounds, our hands fit together like puzzle pieces. Our hearts often beat in the same rhythm, and I can always tell when he's around. It's like, the second he walks into a room I can feel his presence. He's taller than me, but perfectly so. We fit together like we were molded for each other, and I never knew two humans could be so destined to be together, but here we are. I've always believed that when you Know, you Know. And I can tell you the exact moment that I Knew I'd found my One. Keep in mind of course, that I also know things can change. I really do believe he's my soulmate (and he feels the same), and I realize that things happen, but I will never not love him.

The moment I knew he was the one for me was when I kissed him for the first time. By that point, we had been dating for about a month and a half. I had already had lots of first kisses with people, and there was always a little nervousness before them, but nothing like it was with Chris.

We walked home together everyday, and I had been planning to kiss him for about a month. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable though, since I was his first kiss. I wanted it to be special, and spectacular. It wasn't, but honestly, it felt that way. I didn't think I would do it. In fact, I was turning away to leave and walk the rest of the way home. But something clicked, I don't know what it was, and I turned around and kissed him. It was sweet, and soft, and magical. That's the best way to describe how it felt, Magical. It wasn't like any kiss I'd ever had. It wasn't a movie kiss, it wasn't even close, but it felt like it was. Even now, writing this, I'm smiling. I still get the same feeling everytime we kiss; pure happiness and love bubbling up through me.

His lips feel amazing. They're smooth, but sometimes a little chapped. He tastes so distinct, I can't place it. I love kissing him after he brushes his teeth, because then my breath and his smell the same, a mix of both of our toothpastes. Our lips feel so natural together, and we can tell each other entire stories with a single kiss. When our lips connect, it feels like time slows down, and I relax into his touch. I melt into him, and the world around us disappears. It's amazing.

But the moments right before, where he leans in and closes his eyes, just before our lips touch, god those are something to be cherished. My heart still speeds up everytime, and everytime he looks at me right before I feel so loved and special. I feel like the most important girl in the whole world. I feel like the prettiest girl ever, and I still feel fireworks. He looks at me like I'm a magical creature, and I feel myself flourish every time he does. My heart swells every single time. And in that brief moment before he kisses me, as he leans closer I Know that this is how it feels to be loved so deeply and so completely that you could get through anything.

It's been over 9 months*, and still, every time I see him I get excited and giddy. Each time he kisses me, I get a high that couldn't be matched with any drug in the universe. And everytime he pulls away, I find myself slightly tipsy and wanting more. We don't get to kiss much though, it's a rarity that we both took for granted until it was taken away. Just like holding hands, or even me wearing his jacket. But even still, when we look at each other, those brief moments where we have entire conversations without saying a word, those prove to me that we'll get through this. It's hard, and it's unfair, but it's what we have to do. And it's worth it if it means that one day I'll get to wake up next to him.

*Actually, March 5th 2017 was one year together for us.