The Book I'll Never Write

Chapter: I am ADHD

I was looking at some things online and I came across something that blew my mind. I saw a post about the parts of ADHD that nobody mentions, and I honestly started shaking a little. ADHD isn't just 'I'm so hyper uwu lmao SqUIReLL'. I mean sure, you can get hyper, but that's not all there is. Hyperfixation, RSD, memory problems, and so many other things play into ADHD as well. ADHD is a serious mental disorder and up until now I didn't even realize how much of me is affected by it. I am my ADHD. Every single thing I do is under scrutiny by it. It tells me what to do and how to do it and how well I'm going to do it. It causes me to get so focused on things, regardless of whether or not I find them interesting, that I won't eat or do anything but that thing. It makes me have sensory issues to the point where I feel my body and everything touching me and it makes me want to puke. My ADHD makes me get angry for no reason, and makes my emotions so much stronger. I will get so overloaded on sensory things that I will have a breakdown and I can't handle it, or if I'm not stimulated enough I will be in pain.

I mentioned RDS earlier. RDS stands for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Basically, it's extreme emotional pain or sensitivity brought on by the idea that you're being rejected, teased, or criticized. It is an intense emotional reaction, complete with suicidal ideation. RSD is only seen in people who have ADHD.

Also, I can't regulate my emotions. I have terrible insomnia. I listen, but I can't absorb what is being said. And it makes me feel so bad, because I do care about what you're saying it just doesn't sink in i'M SORRY. A few more things I deal with is having no volume control, not being able to focus when I'm emotional, social anxiety as well as just general anxiety, all or nothing mentality, and so much more. ADHD is something that I am, not just something I have. Every aspect of my life is affected by it, and it makes my life really hard sometimes. Lots of people find it weird when I have to be doing something stimulating even in public. I tend to mess with the hem of my clothes cause I like the way the fabric feels, or I tap constantly and bounce my leg. Also fidget toys as well as slime really help me and I love them!

ADHD is hard and causes me a lot of problems but, it isn't all bad. I'm incredibly creative! I have a huge imagination, and I'm incredibly passionate. Thanks to my ADHD I have a different perspective than Neurotypical people. I can see connections to things that others may miss, I have incredible observation skills, I'm good at reading people, I'm extremely compassionate, i'm generous and have a strong sense of fairness. I also have a bright personality, I am willing to take risks, I have a great sense of humour, I'm spontaneous, I'm curious, and I have a child-like enthusiasm. My ADHD makes me have quick thinking, I'm good at coming up with ideas, and I have hyperfocus (which is an ADHD superpower!). My hyperfixations allow to me to learn tons of cool facts about tons of things so my brain is full of interesting information about a whole range of things! Not only that, but I persevere!

So many people don't recognize ADHD for what it really is; a serious mental disability. It isn't just a kid disorder, and it makes life really difficult for those who have it. Like, I know I can't wear certain types of fabric because it's Too Much. And I have a lot of problems hearing and retaining information. Plus, my ADHD makes my depression worse too. People like to say it isn't a huge deal, and that I'll grow out of it. And some people might, but it doesn't negate the fact that I have to deal with it on a daily basis. ADHD is serious, and I want more people to realize just how hard it is to live with.

ADHD is what I am. It is what makes my personality the way it is, and why I act the way I do. ADHD is Mine, ADHD is me. I am ADHD.