The Book I'll Never Write

Chapter: I'm still sad

I guess I could have kept this in the last chapter, but I felt that it was getting too long. I sometimes wonder if I really have depression. Because I can feel happy, and honestly, I can have absolutely amazing days where honestly nothing at all is wrong. And it feels unfair for me to say I'm depressed when there are people who can't even get out of bed in the morning. But then, I have to force myself to get up, and I have to force myself to get dressed. I have to struggle to smile, and I wonder if I'll ever feel happy again.

Sometimes the littlest things will set me off, or make me upset. I feel dull and tired all the time, and even if I don't acknowledge it I feel a dull ache in my soul. I have no reason to be sad, no reason to be depressed. I feel guilty because there are people who have it so much worse and I have no reason to feel the way I do; but guilt doesn't make my feelings any less real. Whether or not someone has it worse doesn't determine the legitimacy of my emotions.

Not only am I always tired, I always think of the future. And honestly I'm scared of growing up. I don't have a backup plan if music doesn't work out for me. I have no idea what i would do. I just know that I really do not want an office job. I want to do something that means something. I want to make a difference, I want to change someone's life. I don't know where I want to go to college, or even if I want to go. I don't know what I want to do with my life other than singing. Singing is my favourite thing in the entire world, it's what I've loved more than anything else since I can remember. There has never been a doubt that I'd be a singer, it wasn't just a dream to me. It was my reality, and I lived it every day. But now? Now I'm scared. Because the real world is seeping in slowly. I'm scared because the reality is that it is extremely hard to be a musician, and there is no guarantee that you'll make it. No matter how hard you work, how much you want it, you might not get it. Because life doesn't care that you've wanted something for your whole life, and you feel it in your veins. It doesn't matter how much you want it. Because it is left up to chance. And not everyone has equal odds. It's cruel and it's not fair, but it's how it is.

Life is so much shorter than you would think. Honestly, it's like years go by faster and faster. Days stretch on and feel like they last forever, but looking back it feels like it was only yesterday that I was turning 6 years old. So many milestones and memories and honestly they're fading so fast. Before I know it I'm going to be graduating and that is absolutely terrifying to me.