The Book I'll Never Write

Chapter: I'm Still sad DAMNIT

I'm laying in my bed right now, with my laptop propped on my knees. I don't really know what I want to write about, but I want to write. I guess I should start with how I feel yeah? I don't know. I feel... something. I'm not sure. Like, I'm content, and I'm happy, but there's a feeling in my chest that's like someone put a 300 lb weight on my lungs. And there's no reason for it, it's just there. I'm not particularly stressed or upset, it's just kind of like... sitting there reminding me that I can't be happy forever. It's like depression sitting at the corner of my mind, taunting me, saying "You're fine now but just wait, you're gonna get fucked up soon." How do I escape that? It's like constantly nagging and reminding me just why I went to a mental hospital in the first place. It's egging me on, making fun of me for the scars it caused. But, I can't let it control me anymore. Yes, I have to feel it, I can't make it go away, but I will be damned if it forces me to take a piece of metal to my skin ever again. I will never ever let my depression control me like it did, I will feel it but I will remind myself that I am okay and I will always be okay.

But that doesn't always work, does it? No. The answer is no. Whether you want it to or not, depression will consume you. It will make you lie awake at night, wondering if there really is a purpose to life. It will make you feel lonely even when you're with someone. It will make you tired no matter how much sleep you get. People will tell you to just "be happy" But honestly? Don't you think If I could just choose to be happy I would? Does anybody honestly think I like feeling so heart wrenchingly desperate and emotionally void that I physically cannot get up in the morning? It's awful and it is one of the worst things to experience. I want to be happy, I want to wake up feeling refreshed, I want to learn better ways to cope. I'm not against medicine, it won't change my personality, it just makes it easier for me to breathe. I don't know why my dad can't see that. I'm not saying I want to be on medicine if I can help it, but if taking a pill everyday makes it easier for me to cope then goddamnit I will do it. It's exhausting having to be okay all the time when you know you would rather sleep. It sucks to constantly weigh yourself and skip meals and barely eat and know that nobody will notice because you aren't underweight. I hate waking up every morning and having to drag myself out of bed at the last second. I hate waking up in the morning exhausted and sad and just wishing I could finally be happy again. Yes, I have great days, weeks, months even. But I always feel the pull of sadness, the tingle of hopelessness that has followed me around for about 4 years. I never wanted to be this way, but this is who I am. It's not something I should be ashamed of. It's not going to just magically go away, but I can definitely learn to cope better. And I don't have to live with the soul crushing weight forever, I know that.

Yeah, It sucks. But honestly, I think I'll be okay. In 16 years I've lived through a lot, and I'm going to continue to live through a lot and I know I'll have people by my side no matter what. I mean, you know, It sounds like a hallmark card, but I really do have hope for the future finally. I have a plan, a goal, and hopefully, I found my forever too. I just have to live through high school, then I'll see.