The Book I'll Never Write

Chapter: eh, fuck it.

I had another story on here that isn't as popular as this, but I like the words in it so I've decided to add it here.

Our legacy will be tainted and warped by either those who love us, or those who never did. We will all fade into distant memories, and there will be a haze or filter out over them to preserve us as we were perceived. Once we die nobody will ever truly know why we did the things we did, or what we thought, or how we felt. Nobody will ever be able to describe us perfectly, as they will have a bias as to how we lived.
The fact that nobody will ever truly remember me is both comforting, and depressing.

People always say home is where the heart is; and I'm beginning to understand why.
Your arms wrapped around me feel like the only shelter I'll ever need, protecting me from everything.
Your scent is welcoming and comforting, it's so familiar and kind.
Everything about you makes me smile so brightly, as though you are the actual sun in my life.
The sound of your voice can lure me into heaven, and the touch of your skin can make me fly.
I'm never gonna show you this, but it's true.
I love you, you are home to me.

I am a full believer that we have free will to make our own decisions. However, I feel like those decisions come with an unchangeable outcome. Much like a "choose your own adventure" game, our decisions and actions lead up to a predetermined endgame.

This being said, our legacy consists of how others perceive our choices. They will happily judge us based on what they have personally witnessed. What concerns me about this fact is that nobody will ever bother to think about WHY we did something.

Its unjust to judge others like we're all the same based on choices.

I can feel my heart beat coursing through my body, I feel such a burning and intense longing,  it's more of a need.  A need to be closer to you,  wrapped in your arms. To hear your voice, see your smile, smell the Cologne that intoxicates me as I bury my head in your chest.  I crave the feeling of your hands on my body, the taste of your lips. I long to see your gorgeous brown eyes, and hear your magical laugh.  I miss you so much it hurts, I want nothing more than to be with you again.

The book All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven is single handedly the best book I've ever read. A large part of me enjoys every single word. Finch is a soul much like mine and I feel the crushing weight of his existence and I find he remains immortal through words alone. I have turned my room into a hole specifically for myself. I stay here and feel my heart beating in my whole body. I can hear every single sound: the car on the street over, my step mom and aunt talking downstairs, theres the creaking of my joints and the sound of the fan and it's so unbearably hot in here and I just want the world to stop spinning just for a moment and I want to encompass everything Finch was or is or ever will be into my own life and mind and I never want to let him go

See, I want to write something real. I want universes and stories to unfold before me. I am Rebecca, the shy girl in the hallway. I avoid conversations and always have my head in a book. I am Beck, badass and androgynous. My hair is never the same color and I live unapologetically. I am Ann, manic and wild and free and awake and pulsing and alive. Nobody and nothing can stop me. I am a disappointment and I am easy and I am a slut and I am a shallow bitch and I am anything and everything and all at once and I don't know who the fuck I'm meant to be. I try to be someone everybody will like and I change to fit the person I want to be and I don't know who I am or why and I lie about things that I shouldn't lie about and I smoke weed because fuck it being high is better than this and I make stupid shitty reckless decisions and I get myself into trouble and talk myself out of it just as easily. I am a hurricane and a drought all in one. I open up too easy and then seclude myself for weeks and I starve myself because eating is pointless and sleep is so useless but here I am taking pills to feel nothingness for a while