The Book I'll Never Write

Chapter: Will I make a Difference?

I've always wondered, Will I make a difference? Am I the kind of person people notice? If I were to leave the school, or be gone one day, would people other than my friends notice? What about my teachers? When I graduate, will the school be the same? Did my presence shift the tone of the school? I know, realistically, that I probably don't make much of a difference. I mean, I'm just one person, one tiny, insignificant speck , just another name on a sheet of paper. But what about the teachers who smile at me in the hallway? The ones who remember my name? Am I someone everybody knows? What do people really think about me? Do I make people's lives better?

I never know the answers to those questions, and it honestly haunts me. All I've ever wanted was to make a mark on the world, when I leave I want to be remembered. I want people to think about me and be mystified. I don't need praise, I don't need fame, I don't need money. I just want to be a source of strength for those who need it. I want to inspire people, make them feel something. I want to show people that there will always be someone who notices, and who cares. Because somebody always does. I just wish I could be the kind of person who people notice, the kind that has an aura of pure love and light and happiness.

If I'm being honest, I'm terrified. I'm absolutely terrified that I'm just going to be another person. It seems like everybody has nicknames right? Like, A friend of mine is "Mama Meme", another is "Edge Lord", it seems like everybody has little nicknames or inside jokes. But what about me? I'm just me. I want to be more though. I so desperately want more than that, I want to be special. I want to be more than just me. I want to be someone people look at. I want to be noticed, I want someone to really see me. I want to be the kind of person you see at a glance, maybe in a cafe, at a store, at a park, and don't think much about until later. I want to be the type of person you think about at night, when It's dark and you can't sleep, and your mind is wandering and you think back to the girl at the cafe who just sat there reading, but she laughed so openly without worrying. I want to be the girl who makes you think there's more to me. I don't want people to just accept what I say, I want them to be perplexed by me. I want people to wonder how in the world I can handle so much, and yet still have a smile. I want to be the type of girl people write stories about. But not the cheesy kind of story, I want to be the kind of girl in a book that makes you think, makes you cry, makes you feel.

That's all I want. I want to make you feel something. I want to be remembered, I want to be something MORE. I want to make my mark, I want people to tell me that the school just doesn't feel the same without me. I want to make a difference. I want people to just see me, notice me, like I do for everyone. I want someone to wonder what I think about, what I'm scared of. I want someone to wonder what my favourite colour is, or why I always wear mismatched socks, or why I read so much. I want people to wonder what annoys me, what makes me happy, my favourite songs, my favourite ice cream flavour. I want people to wonder about me.