Marvel Women One Shots

What I Should Have Done

Angst. Trigger warning.

I'm sorry..

Word count: 1114

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A letter from Yelena to you;

Maybe if I had called you like I promised I would. I would have kept you on the phone for hours, let you ramble on about your last mission or how you wanted another dog. We'd talk about our next date, or how Nat kept you training nonstop. I would want to tell her to lay off but you'd tell me not to because you were getting better. I'd get so lost in those blue eyes of yours as they shone like they always did as you spoke about what you loved. You'd call me out for staring, but I was so in love with you, I couldn't help but drink in every inch of you.

Or if I had stopped by to see you more often like you deserved. Said no to a few more missions. Kept you wrapped up safe in my arms as we let the night slip away, oblivious to the stars becoming the sun as we talked of our future.

Maybe if I held you, kept you away from the world and all of its thoughtless people. Covered your eyes so you wouldn't have to see the destruction. Protected you.

If I had been better for you, with you.

If all those times I said 'I love you' were in person.

If I just apologized more because I would be petty and use it as an excuse to work more.

Maybe if I told you I love your smile and how it reaches your eyes. That I loved how you danced so carefree. How you get so lost in a book. How your nose scrunches when you don't like something but didn't want to say it. How you had me wrapped around your figure.

Maybe if I kissed you more, because I do love how your lips fit against mine, how they set my heart racing and the butterflies flying. How it felt like we were lighting a fire  and it was exciting to see how bright we could burn.

If I took you out more. You always loved to see the band play at the local bar. We'd end up dancing to the slow songs until they kicked us out. To the museums so you could tell me all the random facts you happen to know. Because I did love listening to you ramble. It was cute. I was listening. The drive in movies while you ate the whole carton of popcorn, too entranced with the movie to notice. But I was entranced by you. Always.

If I gave you that ring I've kept hidden in my closet for months now as I waited for the perfect time, somehow letting myself forget that every moment was perfect with you. And you never cared for the word 'perfect' to begin with, saying it was only relevant to the person who was speaking it at the time rendering it useless to anyone else. But you are perfect. Perfect to me. And I had the perfect ring for you.

Maybe if I got you to laugh more. Because you have a laugh that could light the world and keep it safe and warm. Your laugh was a sound I needed to hear, you deserved to laugh more. I wanted to be the reason you laughed more, the one you laughed with.

Maybe if I had kept all of my promises..

If I hadn't been so busy, kept telling myself I'd have time tomorrow, that I'd call and make up for everything I'd missed out on. Work was just busy, and life was happening so fast, but I'd always have tomorrow, so I had to take this mission. So I'd call tomorrow.

But I never thought there would be no tomorrow.

If I hadn't let the mission take precedence over you, kept you first like you should have been, like you were. I just took you for granted.

If I had just gotten over my stupid pride and went to your place.

If I just apologized after our fight. I knew I was wrong I was just being stubborn and I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I never wanted to go on that mission but we were upset and I let that get in the way. I shouldn't have gone. I should have stayed for you. Maybe then you would have come to bed with me instead, let me hold you as close as I could. Let me make up for my stupid mistake.

If I fell to my knees and begged you to give me another chance, shedding all the tears then instead of now. Showing you how much you mean to me. Because you mean so damn much to me.

If we talked it all out and your kind, incredible heart forgave me. Because you've always been a big softy, especially for me. And you never knew how to hold a grudge.

If only I had texted you sooner, maybe you would have seen the message before starting your car, maybe you would have waited a little longer, sat in the car to text me back. Had a few extra minutes. Even if you were just annoyed that I had texted instead of coming by in person.

Or if I was the one driving instead of you that night. Like I should have been. I usually always drove us everywhere.

Maybe if you were here to tell me I'm letting myself go. I need to eat, I need to shower. I need to talk to Nat and the team. That I needed to get my shit together and live the life I have because I only have one and you'd be damned if you let me squander it.

But the only life I wanted to live was with you.

And that all vanished the night that guy decided he was sober enough to get behind the wheel and drive home. The night he swerved into your lane trapping you, his vehicle colliding with yours in a bone breaking, soul crushing, life shattering, stupid, selfish, fucking asshole..

The night all of the 'if's' went away.

All my empty promises truly lost their meaning. I would never get a chance to make them up to you. Never get the chance to show you all the love I have for you. How incredible you were. Spend the rest of my life with you.

My life is somehow still going; my heart still beating, lungs taking in oxygen, mind racing, liver suffering, eyes watering, voice hoarse, limbs moving..

But you aren't. And you won't.

That night I lost you.

If only I knew..

What I would have done..