Im Gay, But It's A Secret

Chapter 4: The Best Kept Secret

As im sitting here writing and reflecting on my life. How it played out and how it is now, if I could go back and change anything I wouldn't, I would keep it exactly the way it is. My parents managed to keep my baby brother Ethan's pregnancy a secret for a very very long time, when they announced she was pregnant at my 15th birthday I had later found out that she was pregnant for 3 months before they told anyone, even us kids. I kind of didn't like the fact that they kept so many secrets from us, but then again, being the age I am now and looking back and experiencing and remembering life the way it was and the way it continues to be, I understand why so many secrets were kept. Some secrets to this day I know my parents haven't told me, I don't know if it's because they felt they couldn't trust me, or the fact that if it got out there would be bad consequences. Even though my family wasn't very high class, we had alot of friends that were very snobby and we were very good friends with, so some of the secrets my parents have, if they are as bad as I think, I would have kept it to myself as well. My sister also had alot of secrets back then, I would have thought that she could have confided in her big brother to help her through some of the tough situations im sure she went through, but she never did. I find myself unable to tell any of my closest friends let alone my husband some of my best kept secrets. Which really upsets me, because Jordan is the last person I want to keep secrets from. And it's not that I don't trust him, I don't know how to say it. I have loved Jordan since the day I met him, and sadly he knows about my past having experienced it with me, and being there to support me through it all, he knows the twists and turns my life has taken, and how some days my life is so upsetting and sad that I don't know how much longer I can deal with it, but he reminds me that it's in the past and I have to look forward to the future. I'm saddened that all this happened 15 years ago and it's still affecting me too this day, I want to be able to tell him everything that happened before we met, but im too afraid he will look at me differently for it, I really want to tell him the truth of why I was such a secretive person, there was a time I had a secret and it was almost the end of us, but I grew the courage to tell him, and it was a first step to changing, growing up and being independent and being able to think and make decisions for myself.