Jamie's Survival

Eighteen

I stared at the familiar face as he sat down in my room, It was that handsome doctor I met the other time I almost signed up .

"Hi, I'm Doctor Nelson, Can we talk for a moment?"He asked in a husky voice. He was really handsome. A proud face with square jaw, wide shoulders and a lean torso beneath that fitted black polo shirt and long muscular legs were outlined to perfection in white chinos and loafers. I wanted to pull off that lab coat and admire this pretty man.

"James Gordon.. but I'm sure you have my files already" I smiled.
"It's written an Jamie, How are you feeling today?" He asked.

"Pretty much the same.. angry and irritated, I wanna eat but I don't have appetite.. I just wanna go home"I answered.

" Tell me about yourself Jamie"He said dropping the file he was holding.

" Why? "I asked.

" I want to know about you, it's three weeks and you don't even leave your room,the doctors have to come here if they wanna see you and you don't even talk to them"he said.

" Am I the topic of doctor's gossip? "I laughed.
" No, we're not making progress in making you talk"He said.

" What do you know? I'm gay"I spread my hand crossing my leg.
" Was that what led you to using? "He asked.

" What? No.. oh my God . Is that what you guys thought? I was bought effeminate, I've always been gay.. it wasn't a surprise when I came out"I laughed.

" You have a beautiful laugh"He said
" Thank you"I whispered feeling my cheeks hot.

" When did you start using? "He asked.

" Seven months ago.. I told myself I wasn't an addict. I could control it .. but it turns out that I'm an addict after all"I said.

" You're doing fine.. tell me more"he smiled.
"I took it because I wanted to be happy, I wanted to do things without feeling insecure and it helped me so much.. I fell in love.. I doubt he would want to see me like this.. do you have a girlfriend? "I looked at him.

" No but I have a boyfriend, Who's your boyfriend? How did you two meet? "He asked.

" You're asking me a personal question"I glared at him.
How dare he throw his happy relationship on my face like that? is doctor supposed to talk about themselves?.
" That's how you get better.. talking about how you feel, about yourself, family... Thinking out loud"he said.

" You're patronizing me, I'm going to sue you"I looked at him standing up and going to my bed to lie down.

How dare he?
" Jamie, you have to start coming out for your sessions from tomorrow, we've given you alot of special treatments.. it's time to start trying to get out of here"He said.

" Get out doctor happy relationship"I threw my pillow at him.

" It's Doctor Nelson.. see you tomorrow"he said.
I heard the door close and took out the fork I stole from the dinning room.

I didn't want to do this but I want to feel something.
I really do.
I dipped it into my skin and drew it.
Watching in pain as blood stained my skin.
I ran into the bathroom washing off the blood and trying to wash the pain too.

I don't like pain.
I don't like this