One year

September 12th

One of my closest friends i have had since childhood admitted her self to a physic unit and i saw her today she is a mess but i see her healing she truma dumped on me and i her

I talked about jack i talked about my father about how the sexual asullt afected me how i am coping and how i am growing i heard about all of her stuff kyle her mother her fears her worries i whatched her get a panic attack i calmed her from it we talked more she is the most precious thing i have ever had in my life and she always has been but we never talked like we used to and tonight she talked and talked and i loved being there for her hearing it all we connected again and she made me relise something.

I am scared of being loved i am scared of loving

I worry and i am so so very scared

I know i fucked up with you

But i wasnt ready to fix it and you should never wait for someone who isnt willing to fix or work on there problems i cant fix this over night or soon but i can work on it

you said if you left me one more time you wouldnt come back im done wishing for you back

Hoping for you back all of it i will miss you

I fucked up so bad with you

I was auful to you

All you wanted was to connect to me and i was to stuck to see that is all you wanted

Just because we were with each other all the time doesnt mean i was connecting in fact i know i wasnt connecting and

I wish i could tell you i was sorry i mean it this time too you just wanted to connect

I am back in therapy and i am not manic this time either and that is nice

I feel like im slowly getting better its slow but i think its better this time

I want this time to be better

I hope you are doing good jack really and i am sorry

I hope you have a great life and fine someone that loves you for all you are

And i hope i didnt screw up so bad you are scared to be loved