One year

Half written words over agust

Fuck dude i
Your shitty
Fuck you dude
Got this family that cares
Got this awesome friends
Must be nice
Truely
Fuck
You
So you got this great suppourt system
We are completely over
You hate me
You aint got to tell me
I got it
I wish
I wish i had half of what you do
My dad sucks no one likes him
My momma is all the way out in georgia
My sister is kinda of self centerd
My brother
Well its my brother
My friends
Well lets just say i am not there first thought
I am no ones
I wasnt even yours
They way you hurt me
It was just like them
I wasnt your first thought
I was never important enough for you to care about my feelings
Why do i not matter enough to someone
So that they will think of me
I had it for a seconde you know
With a girl
Me and her started going on drives together not long after me and you
She is pretty cool super straight though
I know so much about her
her favorite soda is sprite cherry and her favorite food from del taco is a chicken quesadilla
She knows nothing of me
But she worried more then you did at least

Why i am not lovable?

How do i get the support i need
When i dont think i can trust anyone to support me
I dont know how to help myself any more
I feel myself slowly losing a battle wich i have be fighting for to long
I am so tired
I want someone to want me

I wanted to trust you to love me
To want me
To care for me
I think you hated me for months before i gave up
You just kept me around to entertain yourself
I dont doubt it
I think you loved hurting me
I think you knew exactly what you were doing
Why
Why do i get the shit end
I want to be sombodys first
I dont want to be annoying
I dont want to be average
I dont want to be

So its been a few days and i have decided that while i miss you i am not going to freak out and spiral like i thought i would it was just a little moment thats all
But i mean i have also not been sober in three days so i dont know
I want you to reach out
I think i would take you back if you came to me and apologized or just came back i would be friends
You were a cool guy when you wernt being a jealous shit over my work and family
i wasnt getting with anyone else at any time i was with you
I had a dream about you i was sitting picking at my food in the dream and you just kind of walked over to me sat down i looked at you you looked at me and
Hey
Hey
How are you
Im alright yourself
Ive been good
We just kind of chated for the dream about mindless things
We didnt bring up the past or anything we just talked
It was nice just talking to you
You got up eventually and said you had to go i nodded and let you go there was no goodbyes or see you next times it was just leaving and acceptance
I dont know if youll ever come back
But i know youll be connected to me for the rest of my life you are one of the few people important enough to me to land a spot in my dreams

Im going to go be more not sober now

Do you think anybody thinks fondly of me like i do others
Do you think anyone will love the same way as me
Do you think anybody thinks of me and thinks i am still a good person

Do you think i am a good person?

I feel like i have spent my whole life trying to be good in the eyes of others
And not being successful
And i think it has finally caught up to me the never being good enough
The hoping
The wishing
All of it

I havent the slightest idea of what i am doing
With my life
With my relationships
With my self

I fell like im floundering around
Thinking i can do this
Or i can do that
And then not doing it

I am stressing over who i am
And i dont even know who i am
I dont know what i want

Life is very terrifying and confusing
But life is beautiful
And i am glad i can see it
I love seeing the stars
I love seeing people
I love seeing the trees
I love seeing the mountains
I love seeing all this detail
I love being able to be apart of it

I just wish i could see it all
Without all this extra stuff
I want to see these things without worry
About how we are killing the plantet
About how hard it is connecting to other people
I want to experience everything
And i have no idea how to do it

I dont know what i am writing about honestly
I just want to write

It's weird how content I can be with my life and the people I have in it and the next be absolutely terrified that all of them are lying about it about loving me and not thinking I am annoying I know logically it's probably not true

I'm hitting another low I feel it the way the crippling sad slowly starts to take over and all I want to do is be alone and lay in my bed it's times like these that I am reminded that I don't have anyone to truly turn to and say I feel like shit I'm alone even though so many people care they care that I live but don't care enough to listen